It has been awhile, sorry about that.....anyway I am just writing to update, I am 15 weeks pregnant and we are so excited. My fertility intact after the whole ordeal. :) :) :) I will be getting labs done again coming up. I can't do the scans while being pregnant... Anyway, my life has been awesome, I have an amazing man in my life, and we will be finding out if we are having a boy or a girl in about three weeks! God is good, I have so much gratitude...
Also, this blogger has changed a bit, if anyone has questions that stumble upon this site, feel free to email me, m3monarch@gmail.com .... please put BloggerM in the title... I am open about my experience and if can help in any way, I will.
Anyone reading, lots of love your way!!! and thanks for those who were so supportive!
Today was a nerve wracking visit of course. I did go upstairs and see the nurses, they seemed happy. My gratitude outweighs my fear. Not my fave place to revisit, but just the same I wanted to see one nurse in particular... She was in fact working downstairs today... I saw her, we hugged, chatted, it was great...
I had a mini-cry fest waiting for the results in the docs office, once I was in the back. At one point I said to the nurse something along the line, of look this isn't like waiting for my gynecologist... she quickly went to grab the person who has worked with me all this time....
When she came in she was talking about the sheet I had filled out with current symptoms, in less than a minute I snapped about the labs..... Everything looked good, a low count on some cells, but nothing concerning.
Though it's been over a year, 13 months or so, it is not simple to go to those appointments, and the idea of doing it for the next four or however many doesn't sound enticing, but I am very grateful that I am well today. <3 <3 <3
Hey, I haven't written since I had my scan in November which was clear! In under an hour I go for follow up blood work. These appointments are nerve wracking and though I love the people who work there, I just want to never have to go back. Remission lasts for five years, then I am considered a survivor, well I've gone into my philosophy on that topic. I am a survivor!!! Anyway, I just wanted to throw up an update, and will of course edit this later or post again saying all is well... :)
I am thinking of going up into the nurses station and saying hi, I haven't been back up there since my last chemo treatment. They are wonderful, and I would like to say thank you (again, I'm pretty sure I've said it)..... eek but I don't like the idea of going in there..... See how I feel, I hate seeing people sick with that jazz.....
Oh and about my hair... I will post again after it's lightened, with a pic.... and... life is great!!! Love you guys!!!
Yay! I am clear, the scan was awesome, great results, my lymph nodes look good things are going well. I broke into tears when she told me, yesterday and today were difficult, I don't think people understand how scary that is to face even if one is cancer free. The actual scan yesterday, well I feel like it's all very invasive, and I'm burnt out on it, yet I know it's awesome the medical technology, needless to say I wasn't a happy camper yesterday and today got better once I got my results.
People who've had cancer or have been very close to someone can understand, but not like someone that's been through the whole ordeal. I also kept thinking of this girl, wondering what happened to her, and her ongoing battle it seemed she had to deal with.
I watched the clock this morning ticking, slowly, waiting for the awesome staff member who's been there since the beginning, she walked by and said she'd be right in, I tried to analyze those words, were they heavy, neutral, positive..... and in the end great news!!
Anyway it was a busy day, one of the things I did to treat myself was buy some stuff for my hair, okay and I bought a programmable coffee pot as well, and...... lol just playing. Thank God all is well, really thank God...
So I want to hit the gym harder coming up which I shall after I get over this minor cold. What else was I going to say..... I guess I could update my life, and if I've written this part, oops, I can't remember it's so sporadic now....
I still model a bit, I've been doing spokes modeling of late, a bit here and there. I will stay open to other genres, there's been interest here and there for small projects but logistics have to be navigated..... and ..... currently I mentor teens, I volunteer at the AIDS coalition, I bring a meeting into a rehab center, um.....chair a meeting.....well all sorts of things, really my goal is to do God's will, whatever that may be, to help others if I can. I think we all have that capacity. Though I screw up as much as I help I suppose....eeek.....
Alrighty then, I'm rambling, today was a good day for me, dealing with just a scan, brings up all sorts of feelings for me. Oh yeah I'm still sober.....not quite a year, that truly is just about today, I have relapsed more times than I'd like to admit, well who cares, if I knew how many I'd tell you, all been a huge learning experience... thanks for all your support.... love you guys! <3 <3 <3
Hello, well I will write again likely tomorrow after I get my results. I have another scan, and I'm stressed out. I do not like this stuff. I just want to get on with my life. I think people all have an idea of what they would do or I should do if.... eek I don't want to say it, but honestly, how the heck do they really know if they haven't gone through it. I met someone that comes to mind, and it seemed like she went through junk over and over again, and frankly I'm uninterested in all that. I'm emotional, and just want to live my life. And also part of me down the road wants to say F these scans, but I know if C ever came up they could catch it more quickly. Just the same it's nerve wracking.... here's an old song that I've been loving of late..... it's a toss up between this and the 'St. Elmo's Fire' theme song.....maybe I'll post them both...I love them! yes for the ol' skool tunes, happy :) I have a ton to be grateful for today! just stay in the gratitude.... <3 <3 <3
So about a year later after my diagnosis and chemo, the whole deal, here is my hair, today was day three without a wig in public, well I experimented four days ago at the gym and showed my friend, it's been bleached and it reacted weird to the toner, well post chemo your hair isn't the same (I have learned) on what to expect. I will get it where I want it eventually, but for now here it is, my pixie style...... :) At least my hair isn't the same as it was before all of this...
I made a baby step! I went out without my wig tonight, this will be the first day I was out in a public setting without it. I went to the gym and then I showed one of my guy friends what I look like with short hair. I have always had long hair so this was huge for me. I am guessing other women that have either never had short hair, or have had the post chemo experience can relate to what I'm saying.... Anyway, I told myself there was no way I would even go without until my hair was a certain length, but I did, and I'm happy I did. My neighbors who don't know me well had seen me without in passing and my family who knows me very well. A friend who is honest, well he honestly liked it, that helped for sure...
I realized a long time ago that I am not my hair, but just the same it's been a very big deal to me waiting for it to grow... Anyway, I am grateful to be well and be making progress in my life. Thanks again for all the support... !!!!
And will be going over blood labs from a bit ago coming up :)
This new blogger set up is ridiculous!!!! Anyway, all is well, I meet with the nurse practitioner at the end of October to go over blood work....I am in remission still, well for 5 years, I think I mentioned that, then I'm a survivor...survivor now! I am thinking I will have a pet scan again within a few months, and this blood work will be an overview of hormones, etc. My hair is pixie length, let's see life is good, I'm as good as I once was. Living life and loving life....
Hello everyone, I just wanted to touch bases. I am doing very well. I believe I have another pet scan in a few months. I better check on that. My hair is growing, it's sort of like twiggy style right now. I am still all about wearing a wig, though I don't need to. What else pertains... my cycles seem to be on track as far as girly stuff. Oh yes, I will be getting a hormone check, that will likely tell me if I am still fertile. I have a feeling that I am, but on that front I am not super worried. I use to want kids so desperately, but the more I am around them, I enjoy them for awhile, but they equal a life's dedication worth of work the way I see it. Who knows, whatever is in God's plan for me. I am still sober, this is a good thing, I am trying to be active on that front, as I know for me it's the better way to live, and I'm sure those around me would concur... alright, that's all for now, I hope you all are doing well, and thank you for all the support!!!!
~m
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Blogger is annoyingly improved! Anyway, I don't know if I wrote this here, but my scan came back clear!!! I am so relieved. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and my blood work looked good. Also, I had forgotten but apparently I am considered in remission, until 5 clear years have passed. I am very grateful too be doing so well. My hair is growing, it is still very short, but yay it's growing!!! I overall am doing well. My body is still regulating hormone wise but that will take some time I believe. I also learned yesterday how to do a breast exam as I never really paid attention though it's beyond simple, learned at one time and forgotten. Life is moving along, it is nice that there is life after an event of this magnitude in ones life. Also, I just started taking biotin in addition to a liquid calcium type supplement for your hair, skin and bones I think it is. I take other vitamins as well, mainly to get my hair to grow more quickly. I would do research on this for yourself to see what is best for you. I just wanted to update that all is well.
I do think of my friend that passed recently and other people that are struggling. My prayers go out to you, or them, or both, you know what I mean. Thanks for all the love and support. <3
~m
The woman I know passed away yesterday. Her faith was strong, and I don't believe she was scared. Every life story is different. Anyway, as I talked to her, while she was asleep, I told her I'd get that scan, (among tons of other things I said) I was there for many hours, I should have been more available, or tried harder while she was alive, but all things fall together as they are suppose to, she made an impact on me. Anyway, she is better now I believe.
So I would have gotten the scan anyway, but I was freaking out about it a bit, so now I'm doing it, just facing my fears. This is the pet scan, they inject you with the glucose I think it is, wait about 45 minutes or so? Then get the scan, I also have to see the doctor again, within the next couple weeks, which I will do, get a lab done. Yay, keep on trucking..... :)
My mother always says a proverb I think it is... "Go straight to the heart of the fire, for there you will find safety"
A friend, that I didn't get to know well is on her last days it looks like. I haven't been able to get through to her on the phone of late, though there was a bit of a lag of time that I hadn't talked to her. I just found out she is in fact not doing well, and so I feel it's important to go talk to her, even if she's not awake, if you will. I knew this was coming, and it is sad, but she is a woman strong in her faith, and I think even now she is okay. I don't know if I will go more than once. I don't know.
Cancer is running rampant among people. I always heard of people getting it, and I know it's not just because I have had it, that I notice more, but seriously everywhere I turn someone else is having this to contend to.
I have been stressing out because I'm suppose to do a scan, oh pretty much about now. I really don't want to do this. Knowing my personality I will. The idea of follow up scans I would insist on anyone else doing, but when it comes to me, I just don't want to. I will skip the reasons why.
As far as follow up on this blog, I still wear a wig, my hair is growing but it is short, and I'm not a female that will do the super short hair look. As far as the rest of me, I'm over a couple months sober, the last few days have been depressed. Still contend with manic depression, and it's not a picnic. I have had 3 periods since my body went haywire during chemo, my body is balancing out, this does not guarantee that I am able to have children, though likely it is a good sign. The older I get, I'm not so sure about kids anyway. So, that is a brief update...leaving out quite a lot I suppose.. but I don't care to talk about this topic all that much unless it can directly benefit someone else. Then I want to, as then it means something, this whole experience means something, if I can be there for another.
Well things are going really well. For this I am grateful. I feel I should update. Here's the too much info part, for any women out there post chemo, I had another menstrual cycle, eighteen days after the first one I had post chemo. It may take time for my body to regulate, or I'm, well who really knows. If it get's to out of hand I'll check into it, I plan on getting my hormone's checked anyway, though I don't believe those tests to be all that reliable unless done like daily or something, that's just my take. Still it would lend some insight, seems the ranges are to broad.... enough of that part.
Yesterday I think it was, I was pondering what I've learned out of all this, that kind of thing. Then I felt old, and said so aloud to myself, basically as if that's one major thing I have come to see. And then last night I went out and danced really a lot, it was so what I needed, to just dance. It's a part of me, I've loved to dance for years, and years, so that was really great. The "old" feeling dissipated..yay!
I did see someone I've known for years, he's quite a bit older, anyway I had seen him at the cancer center but wasn't sure it was him until his name was called. Anyway, I very briefly said hellos in passing and then later felt rude, but the very last thing I wanted to do was talk about cancer. I am so burnt out on it. Maybe another time, I know it's an assumption on my part he'd want to talk about that, but I wasn't taking any chances. Not while I was out trying to have fun....
So anyway, I'm still not sure what I've learned in it's entirety, or what it's all been for, but I do know this, I am not old, and even if I was, age is just a number, I have to keep dancing, and living.....also I was going through this really feeling boxed in for different reasons, but I want to and am choosing to believe that with God anything and all things are possible, and I am grateful! oh yeah, still sober... it feels good, though oh how I love to party.... haha :) fun pictures, great bands, wonderful people!! <3 love you and thanks for reading <3 <3 <3 it's early, I'm lazy, I was going to attach pics...but they are up on facebook, if you wish to look :) ......love this song....
I don't think I posted this video, but either way I like this song.......
Not too far down the road I am suppose to have that pet-scan update. I really don't want to do this. I want to ignore it, just let time slip away. A part of me hopes that the doctors won't contact me for follow up.
It's been difficult to be around groups of people that I hadn't been around in many months. Their inquiries are too much. At times I get defensive, then once recently emotional and I just lost it and started to cry. Being in recovery, many people mean well with their questions, but sometimes I think people are just nosy. It's very frustrating, for me to be kind with their questions, at times next to impossible it feels and I just turn bitchy. I think in time all this will pass. I really hope so. Certain things don't just end for me because they are over. I am sure many people feel this way. Will I get this scan? More than likely, yet I really, don't want too. You know that whole ignorance is bliss deal. I don't know that I've been as ignorant as I'd truly like to be, lol. Sure, likely in ways, I don't have it all figured out, but once you know, you can't just pretend you don't.
The most important part is to stay in the now. This seems so hard for me... I am trying to take better care of myself, though it hasn't been perfect. Doing what I can do...I am sober at this time, I really want to want to be sober more. In time I believe this will happen. I have loved sober living before and I know I will again. It may not even be that so much, (well in ways) but having sleep issues leaves me grumpy a lot, drained, which doesn't make for a happy camper. Definitely not for me, I've been too on edge. I just have to keep on trucking. :)
I started my you know what!!! This makes me happy.... although it doesn't guarantee fertility, here's a link from a breast cancer site, that is informative. http://www.breastcancer.org/tips/fert_preg_adopt/treatments/chemotherapy.jsp I will not choose to read any more on the topic, because I don't want to over think it. It's just great that after not even two months of finishing chemo I am having a cycle. Hopefully it's an ongoing thing and not a fluke menopause type deal. Women who go through menopause have sporadic random periods, and I hope this is not the case for me.
So this may seem like too much info, but it's part of the process as a female who has gone through chemo treatments... I'm very excited about this, lol. Keeping my fingers crossed this is my body returning back to it's pre-cancer state :) That's all for now
Things are going well overall. I'm still detoxing from the chemo. Drinking lots of tea and sleeping at very late hours quite a lot. I mean I can't go to sleep until late. Still that will take time to get all of that out of my system.
I'm thinking of getting my hormone levels checked in a month or two. Not too concerned about that.
Of late I have done a shit ton of research on shampoo. I knew most of it was bad for you as so many has detergent in it, thus making it suds up. Not to mention all the other harmful ingredients. After comparing products and reading testimonials on expensive shampoo to inexpensive. I'm going with the least amount of ingredients. There was a higher dollar one with essential oils, and then I decided to go with Aubrey Organics (also oils in it), as new hair is like baby hair and I want to be gentle with it. So, between that, a healthy diet and supplements I think things will be good. I see all these women with short hair and I don't honestly know how they embrace it. They look great, really good, but I suppose I just feel that I love what I'm use too. Whatever my feelings are I will have short hair for awhile. Maybe I think it works for them, but won't for me....
The last few days I have slacked on working out because for the most part I have been so exhausted. Not getting enough sleep hardly makes me want to push myself to work out. And of course it's ironic because now photographers are contacting me. I am concerned that I won't feel super into this until my hair is longer. On the other hand I should just go for it, or switch it up with the wigs. Actually I've been in contact throughout this ordeal, I think I'd feel it if I was in better shape, and again had my own hair. Many women model at the size I am, all different sizes, but I really like to be more toned.
I really am not sure what I will do, but to do it well I have to be rested anyway. I didn't quite think about post treatment, and how the detox from chemo isn't just "Oh it's over, I'm better now.."
I am better no doubt about it, but I surely don't feel like my old self. In time I am sure that I will. I have been sober so this is good. It is also hard at points. It will get easier I know, but even after over two years of being sober, I am near certain that there wasn't a day or many that went by without me thinking about it in some way or another.
And the last thing on my mind related to all of this is I will have to do another scan in awhile. I'm sure I don't have to elaborate on how that makes me feel. Skip that and back to shampoo, it's funny I spent around $50 on a shampoo and conditioner (that was a deal I got as well) and the first ingredient is one of the one's your suppose to watch out for. There are so many high dollar shampoo's like that, granted this kind didn't have tons of ingredients but just the same. I know you have to adapt to different shampoo's but I am choosing to adapt to healthier ones for my hair. I read how I could also make it myself, but I'll skip that, though it wouldn't be hard. So my selections should arrive soon. I won't list the labels of one's people think are awesome but probably suck, though they aren't horrid, horrid.
In this moment I feel better, thank God!!! I see now that this will be an ongoing process. I read up on chemo chemicals and they are in your body 6-8 weeks post last chemo treatment. And I'm sure the affect of the junk lasts even longer. Since I am not drinking and done with chemo I decided to buy some detox teas. There are some really high dollar cleanses, but I'm not into it. Some are good I believe and others gimmicky.
Anyway, also this is common sense which I read, it's important to drink lots of water and try and make your plates of food look like the color of the rainbow. This can be difficult at times most definitely, but I'm doing what I can bit by bit.
I also bought some liquid calcium magnesium so I can hopefully start sleeping better. That is a product I have sworn by for multiple reasons for some time now. I feel good about these purchases and didn't spend a ton. I could have bought independent herb teas that may have packed a different detox punch, but anything I do right now I want to be a gentle approach.
I also read exercise is good for chemo detox, which I have been doing, though not very hard this week as I've been so tired. If you have cancer, or are post cancer like me and are reading this, I'd recommend doing your own research of course. I have to be careful because I can freak myself out, and honestly for me too much information can get in my head, I don't care for that.
It feels good to be proactive and do what I can, bit by bit. Juicing is also really great (recommended), and I have a juicer, but I want to get filters for the inside so it cleans easier. That may sound so lazy, but it's too tedious to clean. I still have my Vitamix, and I need to get back into my spinach, etc smoothie habit. I find I will eat more veggie's if I can drink them. I did that a lot during chemo, but I'm not sure how much it helps as I believe chemo blows everything good and bad out of it's path. I probably could have been eating cardboard, and it would have been fine, haha jk...
Here was some good news, someone that lives nearby with cancer said his is 97% gone!!! Which is great, he explained the details, and as I parted ways I said I'd pray for him.
It seems that kind of a lot has happened of late, but I'm doing better today. I so needed a good day, and am glad I had this one. :)
I got a phone call from a woman at the cancer center. A girl I had met before left me a birthday card. The woman offered to mail it to me, which works great. I don't really want to go into that office right now. I feel so sad. I don't like this whole mortal thing. Thinking of people that may not be so lucky. And seriously, my body must be craving the drugs in the chemo, the hormones, whatever, I am so tired and emotional. I feel like I need to find a detox for myself.
Speaking of detox I haven't divulged that I have indulged in my addictive drinking patterns. I hope that has come to an end. I am taking measures to not live that lifestyle. I can't go back into all that. The irony of getting cancer and being so healthy, then picking up habits I previously had is ridiculous. Habits I had abandoned for quite some time.
I know that I'm in this emo space, and it will pass. I keep looking at many other lives and comparing myself to them and that's dangerous territory. We all have different things to contend with. My plate has been very full. Between manic depression, addiction, cancer and other things in life, it's almost laughable. I am no doubt depressed, hormonal, whatever...
I realize this will pass. I really don't feel like talking to that many people. And it's nothing personal.
There are some things in my life, like all lives that have really hurt. I feel so exhausted, I tried to lay down with all my clothes on with no plans of falling asleep in hopes that I would. It didn't work. That doesn't make sense at all I'm sure.
I also want my full identity back. Which is a valuable lesson, my identity is not external. Doing modeling, much of my identity I realize must of been associated with pictures and the like. Long, blonde hair...
The human experience has been something else for me. A lot of wonderful experiences, but some seriously hard shit as well. I am not alone, many have experienced difficult times. I suppose it's what I am going to do with it all now that counts. I don't want to become bitter. And to be honest there are points I am so bitter when I think about some things. Talking to God helps, and people close to me. They understand.
Art helps, I look at tons of art and photography. Just zone out....
Also I find it hard the way people treat others, this is a lesson I learned the hard way in my life. I use to be such a bitch, now I am here and there, but it's not a regular thing I'd say. A lot of that was likely being wasted and sarcastic. Again I do still have my moments, I think I'm only cutthroat when I'm hurt. That's no excuse. Anyhow, I guess that doesn't relate to cancer, but it bothers me. I feel like I want to love others and be loved. If it were only that simple. I can't be validated through other's thoughts of me. It's the love for myself that will help me heal inside. It's funny, many people could love me and I'd focus on the one person that doesn't. Why is that?
I know I have to work on some of these emotional and spiritual issues for a few reasons. And I will because that's what I do. I constantly think of the Grateful Dead lyric "You find light in the strangest of places if you look at it right," it is so true, there are some friends, that I really don't even want to associate with anymore because of how they were while I went through this. Then on the bright side so many people were totally there for me, a few of which I wouldn't necessarily have thought. There in small ways and big ways... I do realize others don't know how to necessarily deal with it, and they have lives of their own. But in a way, my old self would say, you can fuck straight off...ok my now self, lol. I won't though, because it wouldn't do any good, and my goal is to rise above in love.... it's difficult.
Oh that's right I did tell a couple people exactly what I thought. I remember vaguely being drugged up in the hospital and flipping out on a guy friend over the phone. Then months later saw him at a coffee shop, he acted so odd that, I grabbed his art pencil off the table and drew a huge x across his picture. Then walked off with a friend. Ok and yes, I did go off a bit to a few. People are surprising, I have found you can be there for them when the chips are down, but this in no way means they will be there for you. But would I change that characteristic of being there for people? I don't think so....I'd likely be there again for those same people if they needed me. Who knows....I'm rambling.....
I didn't think of after chemo was finished. Withdrawals of sorts from the steroids and what not they put in there. For some nights in bed it felt like my feet were achy and restless, it was a weird feeling. Now I think that my sleep has been affected somewhat. Everything is just a bit off yet. I know things will regulate and I can hardly wait until they do. I'm sure this is worse for others and maybe others don't notice.
It feels good to be done with it all. I'm thankful that things have worked out the way they have. I am blessed. Not everyone is so lucky. I ran into someone that I had met through this ordeal, and her trials are much more difficult. I feel sad for her, and have an empathy I'm not sure I would have cultivated had I not experienced all of this. There is nothing I can do but be there if she needs me or any help. I'm kind of scared to get too close to her, but fear will not keep me away. This is sad to think about, I just wanted to update. Overall life is good...I just had my birthday yesterday.... wooo hoo!!
So that port removal didn't hurt besides the shots to numb the area, or that's what I thought, lol. And those hurt, but I was wrong, I'm not such a trooper. I seriously have felt like I have a gunshot wound (I don't know what a gunshot wound feels like, but I'm just near positive this is in the semi-ballpark, ...maybe, ) since the shots wore off last night. That definitely hurts, and is hurting. I didn't want to misrepresent if someone with cancer reads this and thought it doesn't end up hurting. I'm not sure if I stretched the area out or something, but it is not comfortable. So between dealing with a light pain patch that wore off and the port removal last night, I didn't sleep much. The realization that oh yeah they cut into your skin, that's got to hurt, hit me later than sooner.
just thought I'd give a little fyi update....whining about that ;)
