Sunday, April 29, 2012


  A friend, that I didn't get to know well is on her last days it looks like.  I haven't been able to get through to her on the phone of late, though there was a bit of a lag of time that I hadn't talked to her.  I just found out she is in fact not doing well, and so I feel it's important to go talk to her, even if she's not awake, if you will.  I knew this was coming, and it is sad, but she is a woman strong in her faith, and I think even now she is okay.  I don't know if I will go more than once.  I don't know.
  Cancer is running rampant among people.  I always heard of people getting it, and I know it's not just because I have had it, that I notice more, but seriously everywhere I turn someone else is having this to contend to.
I have been stressing out because I'm suppose to do a scan, oh pretty much about now.  I really don't want to do this.  Knowing my personality I will.  The idea of follow up scans I would insist on anyone else doing, but when it comes to me, I just don't want to.  I will skip the reasons why.
   As far as follow up on this blog, I still wear a wig, my hair is growing but it is short, and I'm not a female that will do the super short hair look.  As far as the rest of me, I'm over a couple months sober, the last few days have been depressed.  Still contend with manic depression, and it's not a picnic.  I have had 3 periods since my body went haywire during chemo, my body is balancing out, this does not guarantee that I am able to have children, though likely it is a good sign.  The older I get, I'm not so sure about kids anyway.  So, that is a brief update...leaving out quite a lot I suppose.. but I don't care to talk about this topic all that much unless it can directly benefit someone else.  Then I want to, as then it means something, this whole experience means something, if I can be there for another.

Sunday, April 1, 2012


 Well things are going really well.  For this I am grateful.  I feel I should update.  Here's the too much info part, for any women out there post chemo, I had another menstrual cycle, eighteen days after the first one I had post chemo.  It may take time for my body to regulate, or I'm, well who really knows.  If it get's to out of hand I'll check into it, I plan on getting my hormone's checked anyway, though I don't believe those tests to be all that reliable unless done like daily or something, that's just my take.  Still it would lend some insight, seems the ranges are to broad.... enough of that part.
  Yesterday I think it was, I was pondering what I've learned out of all this, that kind of thing.  Then I felt old, and said so aloud to myself, basically as if that's one major thing I have come to see.    And then last night I went out and danced really a lot, it was so what I needed, to just dance.  It's a part of me, I've loved to dance for years, and years, so that was really great.  The "old" feeling dissipated..yay!
  I did see someone I've known for years, he's quite a bit older, anyway I had seen him at the cancer center but wasn't sure it was him until his name was called.  Anyway, I very briefly said hellos in passing and then later felt rude, but the very last thing I wanted to do was talk about cancer.  I am so burnt out on it.  Maybe another time, I know it's an assumption on my part he'd want to talk about that, but I wasn't taking any chances.  Not while I was out trying to have fun....

  So anyway, I'm still not sure what I've learned in it's entirety, or what it's all been for, but I do know this, I am not old, and even if I was, age is just a number, I have to keep dancing, and living.....also I was going through this really feeling boxed in for different reasons, but I want to and am choosing to believe that with God anything and all things are possible, and I am grateful!  oh yeah, still sober... it feels good, though oh how I love to party.... haha :)  fun pictures, great bands, wonderful people!! <3 love you and thanks for reading <3 <3 <3  it's early, I'm lazy, I was going to attach pics...but they are up on facebook, if you wish to look :) this song....