Yay! I am clear, the scan was awesome, great results, my lymph nodes look good things are going well. I broke into tears when she told me, yesterday and today were difficult, I don't think people understand how scary that is to face even if one is cancer free. The actual scan yesterday, well I feel like it's all very invasive, and I'm burnt out on it, yet I know it's awesome the medical technology, needless to say I wasn't a happy camper yesterday and today got better once I got my results.
People who've had cancer or have been very close to someone can understand, but not like someone that's been through the whole ordeal. I also kept thinking of this girl, wondering what happened to her, and her ongoing battle it seemed she had to deal with.
I watched the clock this morning ticking, slowly, waiting for the awesome staff member who's been there since the beginning, she walked by and said she'd be right in, I tried to analyze those words, were they heavy, neutral, positive..... and in the end great news!!
Anyway it was a busy day, one of the things I did to treat myself was buy some stuff for my hair, okay and I bought a programmable coffee pot as well, and...... lol just playing. Thank God all is well, really thank God...
So I want to hit the gym harder coming up which I shall after I get over this minor cold. What else was I going to say..... I guess I could update my life, and if I've written this part, oops, I can't remember it's so sporadic now....
I still model a bit, I've been doing spokes modeling of late, a bit here and there. I will stay open to other genres, there's been interest here and there for small projects but logistics have to be navigated..... and ..... currently I mentor teens, I volunteer at the AIDS coalition, I bring a meeting into a rehab center, um.....chair a meeting.....well all sorts of things, really my goal is to do God's will, whatever that may be, to help others if I can. I think we all have that capacity. Though I screw up as much as I help I suppose....eeek.....
Alrighty then, I'm rambling, today was a good day for me, dealing with just a scan, brings up all sorts of feelings for me. Oh yeah I'm still sober.....not quite a year, that truly is just about today, I have relapsed more times than I'd like to admit, well who cares, if I knew how many I'd tell you, all been a huge learning experience... thanks for all your support.... love you guys! <3 <3 <3
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Hello, well I will write again likely tomorrow after I get my results. I have another scan, and I'm stressed out. I do not like this stuff. I just want to get on with my life. I think people all have an idea of what they would do or I should do if.... eek I don't want to say it, but honestly, how the heck do they really know if they haven't gone through it. I met someone that comes to mind, and it seemed like she went through junk over and over again, and frankly I'm uninterested in all that. I'm emotional, and just want to live my life. And also part of me down the road wants to say F these scans, but I know if C ever came up they could catch it more quickly. Just the same it's nerve wracking.... here's an old song that I've been loving of late..... it's a toss up between this and the 'St. Elmo's Fire' theme song.....maybe I'll post them both...I love them! yes for the ol' skool tunes, happy :) I have a ton to be grateful for today! just stay in the gratitude.... <3 <3 <3