Sunday, October 30, 2011


All in all this third treatment went pretty well.  I still have a few days of likely not feeling tip top, but the pain patch has seemed to work out well, and though I have had nausea it's been bearable.  I have taken naps the last couple days and am feeling pretty tired right now.  The most I'd feel in the next few days would be the above mentioned symptoms, but I am hoping not.
  I just read this written by Steve Job's sister, it's a very nice eulogy..   I thought I would add it in here because Steve had cancer, and I really liked the end of it, his last words..... I don't know a whole lot about him, but have been hearing more lately, he contributed a ton to Apple, anyway I just found it on google+, the link...

  Anyway, it was a nice weekend with friends and family~ I am in reading, snuggling down mode right about now.

 I am happy because I gave this link to someone who also has cancer and that person has been able to skim through this blog.  :)

Friday, October 28, 2011

~And then I realized I should be dead by now~ an eery feeling

  I can't quite wrap my mind around it, but right about now had I not gone into the hospital with my flu symptoms or whatever they were I'd likely be dead.  I find this really disturbing.  I figured out the timeline, and with the amount of treatments I have had that's just about right.  And the way my lungs were and heart surrounded by fluid, I have no doubt this is the case.  Not one of those you have six months to live and the person lives two years or whatever.  I was definitely on my way out.  I have said to people that it's like I slid into home base just barely without being taken out.
   Anyway I find it an eery feeling, almost unbelievable, scary, Halloweeny, lol.....All this struck me as I was watching doctor shows last night.  Now is not the time to watch that stuff, one show hit on so many things I could relate to in a way that it was a bit much.
  Where am I now?  Earth, alive, doing treatments, somewhat fatigued after chemo, etc, waiting for the aches to kick in.  I am ok.  NOW.  Why is it that sometimes being in the now can be so freaking hard.  Spiritual masters have written a ton on such a simple concept.  NOW, I will shake this weird feeling, of how I could be dead right now, it's like some weird other simultaneous existence going on ......that's hopefully not!  Ok it's going to be a great day!!!!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

~Beauty in Living in Love~

  Overall a long day.  First on Wednesdays I go in for a blood draw out of my teletubby port, and every other Wednesday have the chemo which was today.  I also speak with one of my oncologists each week. We go over the same sheet of paper that lists any changes I may be having in different parts of my body. Same sheet every week.  And we also go over my lab work, see what's going on with cells, I was all good, maybe looking a little anemic, but if a number slightly drops, it's not a biggie.  Ok, if I have said all this before, that's the last time on that, lol.....
  I also had prepared to talk to her about my theory on pain, and fortunately had the opportunity to talk thoroughly to a nurse about it.  Basically stating my dosage had to increase and a few pills added because my pain was lasting longer.  My oncologist came in with a prescription for patches and permission if I needed to, take a couple pills max.  The patch lasts a few days, and I asked her why she didn't just increase the dosage of the pills and I would take a limited amount.  She explained it was a low dosage, the patch and that we'd try it out. That it sustains at a level without fluctuating as much as with taking the pain med.  She also expressed her concern in a way that felt good all the way around and made sense, she genuinely doesn't want to create another issue for me while saving me from cancer.  Frankly, I'm not interested in getting an opiate addiction, so I would have to concur with her, and I just don't want break through pain, and I want to be able to sleep during the night of those days.  Though pills weren't "my thing" addictive drugs often become an issue for anyone, because they are addictive.  All that aside, I don't want to be feeling crappy like that 3+ it looks like we are moving towards a solution there.
   I have been researching toy dogs, which is funny because I use to think they were kind of ridiculous stuffed inside of purses.  I have done this before, think I really want one and then change my mind.  It is the last thing I need right now, yet seems appealing.  I could put it in my purse and take it to chemo and it could chill for close to three hours, but they all bark!  Barking drives me crazy....I would have to train it...maybe with a citronella dog collar, likely they aren't that small, the collars, and also highly likely the dog would take a duker in my purse.....
  Anyway after the blood draw, and the Dr. visit, I waited upstairs, they have to mix the bags of chemo while you wait, each time I learn something new, usually thinking I don't want to while turning my head away.  She has to plunge with a syringe thing some of the medicines, to make sure there is a blood return (everything is flowing right).      The port it goes into, is up by my shoulder, on my chest, which is great, so I don't have to see it.  I learned a lot of tidbits.
  I love it in there, there is an older woman with an English accent and she's great, she works there.  A great woman and I love talking to her...

Freewrite (they often make no sense)
A disabled woman yells, "I took them back," she herself has traded in movies and books for credit, bought the next book in the series, walks outside, the woman is convinced she returned the movie, the girl walks over to her and gives her a movie, the other woman looking at it, she is now more quiet, later the girl is talking about something, or thinking of something that will happen to relate to the next moment she will encounter, she steps on the elevator with a girl, with a a covered baby carrier, an older woman asks the girl to see, she now has to see as well, in her mind, her defenses jump up, she thinks to herself, nothing I can't live without,  but she knows she hasn't convinced herself, the timing of such things, she will hold herself together, later she thinks to herself, though many have problems, there are many contending to parenting, the hardships and joys of family life, she has to have faith that beauty in living in love will not only cross her path one day, but that it will decide to stay with her for awhile

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

~Count Down~

  I had to make sure today was a good day!  Now I appreciate the days I feel well and want to make the most of them generally speaking.  I wish I had thought like that more often before.  Anyway today was gorgeous! These are pictures from today.  I went on a great walk and climbed this dirt mound and sat and looked out over the river.  I thought and I thought and I thought, then I got up and went to leave and nearly fell off my little mountain....
   Tomorrow is my treatment day.  I sort of wish they were doing them more often, but my oncologist's know what they are doing, I'm so impatient that I would just poison myself silly and then radiate like it was going out of style.  Naturally I wouldn't do this method in a million years if I didn't have to.  If I had my way I'd work with energy workers, healers, and throw in some eastern medicine and the like, but time was of the essence and I'm grateful I have this going on, even if it's not my first choice.  A girl's got to do what a girl's gotta do~ Hope your day was smashing! :)

Monday, October 24, 2011

Anticipating semimonthly shot and likely amenorrhoea -

  Oh how sweet it is, this life.  It really is.  Anyway I am anticipating the shot I get every 2 weeks, the 2+ hours of chemo and all that isn't so fun, but hey my mom and I watched "Beaches," last time lol.  I haven't done chemo enough to know how to plan my life around it yet, and at a certain point I may be really, fatigued.  Anyway timing when that shot will kick in, what day, I haven't gotten down.  I have no idea how it works, but it's suppose to up white blood cells.  Hopefully the timing gets consistent.  This will be number 3 so maybe I'll begin to learn how this is going to go, nausea, fatigue and aching will perhaps get on a routine of their own.  It's one of my best girl's birthdays this weekend and I want to go play!!!  As well as go to dinner with a friend....I'll wait and see, that's all I can do.  I just had another thought, she said my chemo won't be worse than the first one, that one was bad, sick I was!  Fatigue increases as this goes on. I hope the first style one never happens again.  Also it won't be too long before I get a cat scan to make sure this chemo mix is working, she's pretty sure it is, it has to be doing something or I'd be sick, skip that.
  Ok, so I was leaving my Oncologists office, and talking about the sterility that occurs in about half of women doing chemo. (clarify, some types of chemo)  And she laughingly talks about how I'll be going through menopause, or women do or something. (I titled this with the word amenorrhoea, menopause was a bit much for the title....same thing.)
   I didn't think to much of it, and then thought yesterday, wtf.. was she saying I'm going to literally go through it and then bam that's it.  I told myself I was done with research, but I jumped on the computer for that one.  Seems the medical field doesn't know much, but that you can experience menopause and then be sterile, or many months, (year?) later start ovulating again.  The reading was nearly archaic in my opinion.  Point being it can be permanent or not, and age is a factor, and maybe the type of chemo is too.  I think that's right.....(I put that video below in here, I love this track, but it's not suppose to be there, but at the bottom oh well.....)
  Ridiculous! I read the symptoms for "the change" to refresh my memory.  The good news is I experience most of those symptoms anyway due to pmdd. I know, too much info.  Oh also cycles are affected,  I won't go into all of that....I'll have to rely on hot flashes to know I suppose.  Hmm what I wonder, is if it's not permanent, and I resume my regular patterns, then does that mean I go through menopause twice?  that would be SO not right.........

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Estate Sale

I was pondering on how much I love to write and how down the road a blog or two may not relate to my experience with cancer.  Then I realized how it has been, daily it's on my mind, and in some way or another it is interwoven with my experiences, or how I draw interesting parallels from my life to events and/or the lives of others while I carry this big ol' C bag.  I suppose you could say it goes with me everywhere I go, no pun intended.
  One thing about me, is that I love garage sales, and the like.  LOVE THEM.  I am amazing at dickering.  I found an estate sale which I knew would be a jackpot. There would be some little something I couldn't live without.
  Walking into the house, a kind of weird feeling overcame me. A familiar feeling, it's always weird to me to go to a sale where EVERYTHING is for sale, down to even food items.  An estate sale is definitely not always related to a death.  It seemed this one was.
   A fellow shopper, a woman was talking to herself, well it seemed so as I didn't see anyone around.  She was musing aloud saying, "How sad, this is what it comes too."  In my somewhat jaded mind, I thought, what, you collect a bunch of shit and then you die? I still wasn't certain why they were having this sale, but I figured she meant death, though the economy did cross my mind.
  I looked at different things, wondering about the people who had owned the things.  I was moving into emotional territory but not there yet.  I saw this handmade bag and had to get it for my mom, and then wondered if she would even like it. It wasn't necessarily her style.
There was a sweetness to these handmade items I was seeing.  I put the bag back later and then grabbed it again.
  (I have a history with monarch butterflies, well I love their story, and I also have a history with Monarch vodka. (yes, I know top shelf is where it's at)  There's more to all that, years ago I wore a metal butterfly around my neck, in high school in fact a group of us did, they were from a belt that a friend got used and took apart and we wore them.  It was my good luck charm, still have it. (I always write a novel, lol)  Throughout the years people have given me butterflies, all sorts of types, the monarch isn't my favorite look, just story.....anywaaaaaaaay there was a needlepoint tapestry type thing I found that was wicked cool, with a girls name on the bottom, and the words, made at age 11, and the year 1974, etc.  I had to have it.  Then what looked to be copper wound tightly in a shadow box, but perhaps quilled paper.  (very cool)
  I found a couple more handmade items, they were so endearing, made with love.  I am a minimalist, I don't own much, I constantly give things away.  I am only excessive with clothes, and I don't get attached to many things.  This blanket has warmth and color, all these little items drug me into emotional territory.
  I went out to the garage and an older man looking at stuff looked at me and said "Looks like a bunch of junk."  For some reason, I now felt protective of the people that had lived here in a way.  It bothered me he said that. I let it go.  I made a neutral comment- if anything.
  Downstairs there had been photo albums. This particular album caught my eye, bright swirly colors, one of a kind it was, oh but I didn't need it.  I couldn't find a price, I abandoned the idea. It was definitely made in the late seventies.  How do I know this? Dates written inside.  There were also pictures in it and two other albums.  I absolutely could not stand this.  These pictures were private moments.  I made a mental note to tell the woman when I purchased my items.
  When I saw the books, I didn't want to take the time to go through them all.  Books on death caught my eye.  Like taking care of details afterwards I think, that type of stuff.  It was unsettling, it brought to mind, I have cancer, and death had been right at my door, and, and, and I left the books and bought my items. It was too weird to see words on death and rifling through likely someone recently deceased items, after everything of late.  They easily could have been my own, had I not accidentally discovered the fluid around my heart, mass above it, etc...
  I ended up wanting the album, I told her about the pictures, she said the people had just left them.  This struck me as odd, family just leaving pictures?
   Downstairs I grabbed my album, then glanced at the others, I couldn't in good conscious leave those pictures in there.  I started the task of pulling them all out, and a task it was.  I wondered what I'd do with the pictures, throw them away?  Take them?  That didn't feel right. I was quick, it wasn't my place to gawk at them either.  The woman came downstairs, I think I told her there was obviously a death and that I was taking the pictures out. (she probably thought I a little loola)  She was fine with that, telling me how the relatives were there for a few weeks but didn't bother to take them, maybe they had copies she said.  She gave me the priceless album.  The relatives made me a little sad.
   The woman shopper in the beginning had a point, but death though sad, really it's forgetting the memories, the little things, the details, that is what is sad, a stranger discarding all of your private moments for you is disheartening.  I realize people can't keep everything, but leaving family pictures? What's sad is when loved ones likely rake through a house collecting what they think is valuable, and leave the items that so visibly hold all the love.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Julia Roberts style wig pics (think hooker in "Pretty Woman")

Here are a few pics....I'm liking black and white, but I threw a color one in there.  I'm waiting for another wig as's on order.  I love this wig, but it kind of reminds me of Velma from Scooby Doo (If anyone ever calls me that, I will bash your head in) haha SO Kidding (obviously)  Oops, I didn't add any smiley ones.....

I like the look of the wig here, expression is bleh
See me cutting my bday cake on the shelf in a pic? 

This is a smile, semi style :)

Friday, October 21, 2011

~Funny things to do with your head~

  If someone with the same diagnosis actually finds this blog after my pinging & registering in different sections, I will continue to be real about this big C I've got, & I also want to have fun with it in my writing.  So here are some funny things, little stories, I'll post more later....(btw I don't even get pinging really)

Ok, when I was stressing losing my hair, my mom and I sat around and cracked jokes about different things I could do with my head...of course wigs were my plan, but we thought of other funny ideas

1. I thought it would be funny to stick a pom pom on my head and walk around with the handle sticking up.
2. We also thought it would be cool to draw hair on my head with a black marker, like Betty Boop, draw curls around my face with a sharpie, but then I commented on how if I started sweating the ink would run.
3. Remember the lowercase m I got tattooed on the back of my neck? my impulsive first tattoo the first day out of the hospital, I thought I could get I, C, A, tattooed up in a line over my head, the A landing about on my forehead....get it Mica ;)
4. I was thinking of ways I could try and hide and blend in, different outfits or cultural garb, I thought I could dress like a nun with a habit, my mom suggested Amish gear, then I thought I could wear a Burka, but then figured people would think I was a terrorist if I wore a Burka around here. (ugh for ignorance!)  
5. I could dress like a sports buff and wear a helmet, lol
oh my gosh I'm sure there were more, I just can't think right now, but we were laughing....

  This was a crack up, the other day I was on the phone talking to my brother in SoCal, and I looked over and my mom was standing dumbfounded with what looked like the furry lining to a Russian hat in her hand and a plastic sack in the other saying to herself "What's this?"  
I am trying to talk and concentrate while looking at her, as she again says now to me but louder "What is this?"  I realize she has clumps of hair in her hands.  I start laughing as she looks so baffled, (I'm laughing right now thinking of it) and say to her, interrupting my conversation, "That's my hair!" 
   It was so funny, when I had my hair removed (I hate saying shaved, too boyish or something) I ran in and threw it on a chair in the sack and forget about it.  I had only shown her my long ponytail and therefore she thought that was all the hair around.  Anyway it was a riot.....

  Um, I hope something in here made you laugh, and it wasn't all you had to be there stuff.....I do think it would be fun to draw black curls on my head.....turns out I like my head, that was a phew.....I instantly asked my friend if it was abnormal, but nope, just a teeny tiny scar in the front.

Halloween Style Art piece :)

So I haven't done artwork to speak of in a very long time....this was fun, oil pastel, chalk, etc, ....then cut out and placed on something black, I can't think right now, lol....It took me along for the ride.....
  This song I always post, well I use to, I love it!!!!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Me in a wig~

The first picture is a picture from one of the last modeling gigs I did a few months ago.....taken by David Tucker of Imagine Studios
The second is me in a wig!  too crazy huh? Since I do freelance modeling here and there, this is the longest in awhile it's been since I've had my pic taken...I put both up to show anyone I may not know  what I look like overall....(well I guess I don't run around in cocktail dresses, really, like ever, lol.. but still!
Kevin Wynne my friend took it while we were at Sushi......

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Being in Recovery, Cancer and Reality....HA!

  This is a pertinent topic for many battling with cancer who have addiction issues.  Get this, two pain pills for two weeks!...uh yeah, that's not going to work out.  Sure I am a polysubstance abuser, but first and foremost a recovering alcoholic, and overall have been doing exceptional for years.  Polysubstance with some drugs, basically that just meant I rotated those in here and there recreationally....anyway, the point, the point here!
   A few weeks ago I would have been horrified at the idea of getting a biopsy.  Not anymore as they made me VERY comfortable.  In the days I was in the hospital I rolled from one experience to another, literally.  I was very clear that I was in recovery as that's just what you do if you have an addictive nature.  Though I made it clear pills aren't my bag, a non issue. (sure I rotated them here and there back in the day, but eh)
  I did not decline the Dilaudids and Atavan intravenously while there,(not sure if declining was an option,hmmm) I haven't any clear perspective my pain level at the time.  You know the sign in the hospital with the smiley faces, 1-10 I think it is....I can't remember.  I do remember two or three biopsies, the fluid drained off the heart, either the same event or another where I woke up and my throat was cashed because they had to intubate me, blood draws, IVs, cat scans, echocardiograms...blah, blah....there is a reason I'm going through this, lol.....
  All in all I remember bits and pieces, there was a lot of nodding off (and rambling about god knows what through biopsies, I think I was trying to get educated, maybe?  I had no recollection of a close friend visiting except trying to keep track of the coffee she brought as the nurses were hiding it, and I was acting like a brat, I do remember that, to the nurses and doctor's.  At one point I asked them if they all went to the same school of inconsistency.  (this relates to each doctor/etc having a different perspective, and me really just wanting a straight shooter, spare me the Disney version and just everyone get on the same page) oh and there's more, I probably should send a card or something, flowers to the staff.  I wondered at one point if I could get little bed electronic buzzer thing somehow was left on and I could hear the nurses at the desk asking "Is she for real?" ...saying things like that.....I spun out of my room, walked a short distance, and let the whole nurse's station in on that I in fact was for real and could hear all that they were saying....likely an awkward moment for them, not me...not even a little bit.  Now I must say this, clarify if you will, I appreciate them, nurses, and doctors, I really do.  I really dig nurses specialized in a specific field ..... Oh yeah, RECOVERY/ADDICTION/The point again.....
  So anyway after that stay I was trying to remember what my oncologist looked like.  The face that kept coming to mind was the hospital administrator off the show "Nurse Jacki."  Does my oncologist look anything like this woman???...Nope, not really at all.  The lady on the show is likely in her fifties and this woman has to be in her late thirties.  Likely they both just have brown hair.  The woman on the show is even black, so I was way off....and you know why??? Between the pain meds, anti-anxiety and I believe it's sodium pentothal(sp) with another doozy of a drug used for biopsies I was pretty faded for the experience....the WHOLE experience.

Fast forward, I'm in a meeting with this same oncologist, one of two I see.  I am explaining the type of pain I have and when.  There is a shot I receive in my stomach after chemo, the day after (yes, pretty bad ass  I am, I know hehe) anyway it creates flu like symptoms or can.  Anyway she went on a long diatribe about my being in recovery and how what she was saying wasn't personal to ME.  About how I could take two pain pills every two weeks and rely on Aleve and Tylenol the rest of the time.  To me this is a bit ridiculous, and she kept making these statements trying to state it wasn't personal. I wonder did I look like I was frothing at the mouth for her prescription pad.  After about the third, "It's not you," I looked at her and said if I want to relapse I can find drugs,  I was getting annoyed with her how we treat an addict bit.  And the catchphrase of the century, she didn't want to enable me, I respect that (meaning if I chose to relapse or be the one to create it I guess, whatever.  Did she not care while at the hospital I could get meds every so many hours? Had she forgotten that.....? And that they were intravenous...she didn't seem to concerned then.  Or perhaps it was the collective staff.  It's fine with me because I believe I got the medication I needed at the time.

I have taken my whopping couple of pills I'm allotted for the next two weeks and am very conscious about my choices....but what if I wake up tomorrow and feel for another day in a row that I got hit by a truck?   The shot kicked in later, and I'm feeling it, the pain and I'm a bit irked.... She told me she'd be counting my pills... I have NEVER had a doctor tell me that....And what's funny is in the hospital it was such a non issue, I'm glad I was honest, addict or not, I will not suffer needlessly.... Also an entertaining notion to me, does she intuitively know I will hurt for 24 or so hours? One more thing.....I don't even like her weak ineffective pills, I take them and still hurt~  it will pass, and it's not acute and horrible, but it's definitely there.....

Here I have cancer and I have to deal with this, it's almost laughable as I think back on the various doctors I've had to see for other is the time in my life I've got to have the hard ass...maybe it's a good thing, ugh..... here's a little video from the movie "Requiem for a Dream" speaking of addiction, I love Placebo.....this is active addiction.....I know the propoganda, she can spare me....

On a lighter note, I heard from my friend~ <3 <3 <3

A song.....

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


So I wrote this long blog and it was wiped out...I was surprised I hadn't mentioned sterility, which there is a 50%-60% chance of....I could write about how I've wanted children, on how I've flip flopped on the topic, on how I nearly was a mother once and didn't carry full term, on how I love peeing on ovulation sticks, I could branch off into each diatribe, but really all in all my head is on a shelf at this time on the topic.  I can't stress the unknown, though it bothered me that I hadn't mentioned it, because that truly brings my story up to date....I have often said I feel cosmically ripped off, you'd have to know my life story to understand that one, or at least from my early twenties on, anyway I don't feel that way right now.  It seriously is one thing at a time...I completely have to let go...and being type A this is probably good for me....
  Now that I've started writing, it's falling out of me, the words...I'd like to write about many aspects of my life, I'm sure they will leak out in here, they already have...but primarily this will be cancer focused...body, mind, spirit...this random part I'm suppose to play for awhile, and let me tell you it feels totally random....
   I didn't sleep well last night (don't worry hopefully this blog won't be about details such as my sleeping patterns, etc, eh but we never know with me, I like to ramble) and my body aches, which doesn't really make sense because my cancer is pretty much a painless one...hmmm or not....idk
here's a song I really like that was introduced to me by a meanie, I love the animation, and was drawn to it right before I found out I's pretty~

Monday, October 17, 2011

Off with her hair!!!!

  Naturally I opted for chemo and radiation vs imminent death.  They inserted a port, aka a plug type thing that made me begin referring to myself as a teletubby.  This was placed under the skin on my chest near my shoulder.  This made dumping the chemo in much easier as they wouldn't have to address my veins each time.  So where am I at today?  I have had two rounds of chemo.  The first one via regular IV and the second one via the teletubby port.
  A few months of chemo, every other week and then 6 weeks of radiation.  And this stuff is boring to write about...first round I was very sick, and the latest mostly just tired.  So, a few days ago my mom and I sat and watched my fave movie "Beaches" while I received chemo.  It takes over a couple hours, and we just had to watch that as they had it there(had to I say!)  See I have a bit of a dark sense of humor, and I had been saying how I wanted to spend my remaining days like Hilary the character in "Beaches" dying at the coast in a beach chair, and beach hat, (but definitely not an 80's beach hat.)  Of course in my minds eye when the Oncologist told me I would die in around a month, I saw myself throwing the "Beaches" video over my shoulder and out of my realm of funny fantasty. Like forget that role, I'm not ready to die, somebody else can star in that scene.  
Saying video is funny, but I don't believe I have ever seen a "Beaches" dvd.   A teenage favorite, that's stayed with me ever since.  Perhaps this is a fave because of the bond that two friends share nearly all through their lives, something that deeply matters to me... friendship.
   And friendship will catch this story up to the present.  Details I will touch upon that are forgotten down the road.  Upon telling people this news, myself having cancer, most were supportive, most of my friends.  But there are those that dropped off the radar.  Mainly males that I believe just couldn't find the words and that either aren't that close or weren't as close as I thought they were.  I'm over that noise.  Mentioning the negative makes the positive that much brighter...The negative is good for something eh? As much as I'd like to mention every detail on that note, I won't for personal reasons.
  I could say something amazing about each and every one of my friends, visiting me at the hospital, offering their time, listening to me talk and talk, putting up with my bitchiness in the hospital(ok, outside of the hospital too, lol), on and on.  My friends not judging me for relapse (well that has happened enough times if my friends judged me for that I would be s.o.l.) on and on.......
  Anyway here is a little part of my journey.....the loss of my hair.  I went to a support group and the hair thing was driving me batty.  I was sick of thinking about it and it having control over me and my state of mind.  Oh I forgot to mention earlier sometimes I do things impulsively, like the day after I got out of the hostpital I got my first tattoo, a "m" on the back of my neck.  It needs some detailing, but should I continue to model it's easy to hide.  I still am sort of like what the F was I thinking, I had thought it would be cool before that, but I think it was an act of stamping myself mortal or some such thing.  Anyway, at the support group,  I realized I wanted to be in control. Not lose clumps of hair here there and everywhere and look like that "Tales from The Crypt Character."
  Later that evening my friend who said she'd shave her own head to support me did just that.  I told her definitely not to do this.  Well, actually I shaved her head.  Outside we were talking and she said it's just hair.  And it was a very beautiful gesture of her to make, she made the whole thing comfortable for me.  We did mine in stages, off with the pony-tail, then shorter, and then I said I'd rather look like a lip-stick lesbian than butch, so therefore she'd have to take it all off.  And I hope those words don't offend anyone, to me they are like the words yellow, and gray.  I love all people so if you know a better way to say butch, then enlighten me......
 at a certain point we stopped and listened to the song above.....and then took all my hair away.....
   Now if you know nothing about me, and this has just flipped up in a search, I have spent many years off and on freelance modeling, and am vain(I'm not saying vanity and modeling are related, though they likely are in ways, uh yeah).  I'd be lying if this event wasn't a scary one for me.  And I got through it with an amazing woman friend, and really the fear was worse than the event itself.  I believe they say that about lots in this life.  I'm not super keen on my blonde locks being gone, but fortunately I have some beautiful wigs....I didn't freak out and jump off a bridge, all in all I have surprised myself, I have been told all my life I am strong, as I have endured many things, but right now I believe it to be true.  

I had the flu? and maybe adult onset asthma? a month to live?

  Hello, I am Mica, a 32 year old female that has for quite some time been in pretty good health all in all, though in years past I did play hard. I can't leave that part of the story out.  Could that be the crux of this story? I will never know and it's not likely, it's a bit of a mystery.   
  Anyway after talking to my mom on the phone I decided to go over to the hospital which is so not me unless the world is falling apart, but just the same I went one night, I didn't feel that I could breathe very well, long story short, they decided to do an x-ray, I felt silly even doing it as nothing seemed that seriously wrong.  Then low and behold they found a large mass over my heart and sent me home.  That night was the longest night of my life, or one of them, I am now in recovery for polysubstance abuse, and all I could think of was the only thing scarier was feeling like I was overdosing, (which is a more acute feeling, and one thank God I haven't felt often, anyway I digress) so I was up all night, then calling people very early.  I had a cat scan to schedule so I called very early in the morning.  It was that afternoon, after wards I was admitted into the hospital.  
  Fortunately, I was medicated for pain and a bad attitude, and had a few biopsies.  Oh yeah I had about a pint of fluid around my heart they had to drain.  The pint of fluid was also in my lungs, actually it may have been more than a pint all in all, had this stayed it would have led to a heart attack or drowning.  
   The crazy part of it all is I know my body so well.  I mean I am dialed in, after biopsies and a pet scan it showed this cancer was spread all across my lungs, and a spot on my stomach.  The good news is that it is  Hodgkin's Lymphoma which is highly curable, yet the bad news was that if I didn't start chemo I would die within "about a month" my oncologist said.  And I totally believe her on that one, especially after seeing the fluid from my heart in my drugged up state.  
  I am hitting the highlights, or the lowlights if you will....after leaving the hospital, I had been sober over two years, but I thought now is the time to get wasted. (It definitely was not the time to get wasted, ahh but I did it anyway) after getting that out of my system for the time being, my family was on their way to take care of me.  I didn't want to be a drunken, trainwreck burden on my mother who has helped me immensely through the years.  
  Here is another piece of me, I have had mental health issues for years that have been off the hook, in fact I use to get pissy, all the attention people with cancer received because I believe money needs to be distributed more evenly for research, I still believe this and always will, cancer patient or not.  Anyway, back to my mom, she has been a rock in being there for me, and I wanted to try and be coherent upon her arrival, even though my world was spinning out of control.
   We learned after she arrived that I had a month to live, the mental health issues tie in because I'd be lying if I hadn't considered letting God, universe, The Great Spirit or whomever else just take me away.  I was seriously considering dying.  But a month.....that was too soon.  That's all I could really think.....