Friday, December 30, 2011

New Wig Pics.... :)

Today I got another wig~ Too mas fun, really... Anyway here's some pics I took in my apartment as you can see by the eclectic randomness in the background.
This picture was me being all energetic and dancey (not a word) right before the timer went off, I love doing never know what your going to get...look at Sophie my kitty on the left, her eyes glowing...uggh, I can't stand that fluorescent kitchen light...anyway, lol.....the pic below, well I have to show EVERY angle of my hair, or my spare hair as this lady I know calls it..These last two in my opinion I didn't manipulate the camera as much as I normally post....I hope to one day look like a stick figure...haha JK :) love you all and thanks for your support, your vibes, your prayers, your comments, all your love....


Thursday, December 29, 2011


   Today I had to take a pulmonary function test...?  Seems that was what it was called.  I am still breathing.  The purpose was to make sure one of the chemo drugs isn't being to hard on my lungs.  Looks like it may be doing a little something, but nothing of major concern.  And it's reparable often after a few months.  It was interesting, I sat in this glass box on a chair with breathing gear to breathe into...The lady had me do different exercises and my lung functioning looks good.  Good enough to keep on dumping toxic crap down my port.... keeping my fingers crossed about it all.. The machine did some mathematical equation due to the pressure in there....I don't even get it, but it was high tech.. :)
  This young woman, probably younger than me, had a nightmare of a story in my opinion and she was so positive, that day I was nauseated, and listening to her, likely thinking my if this part isn't over soon, take me out back and shoot me thoughts.... anyway her bright attitude about it all was great, but woah...this girl had run the gamut with the c scene...
  Anyway today was great, I heard from a person in my life that I haven't heard from in awhile via the mail...
  I can't write this, I keep hearing songs, and reading bio's on bands, so it's fragmented.... there is a lot going on in my life, most of which I don't feel like putting here.... I'm just passing time, waiting to see what the results will be of this next scan coming up in January...but focusing on it at this point, will just make me batshit..... so I won't........ HAPPY NEW YEAR......ALMOST !!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Smattering of Pics

 This is my port near my collarbone, it makes chemo easier as far as not going in and out of veins all the time, it will be removed after my treatments...the marks around it are from the bandage thing you see in the next picture....
 and here it is under a bandage as my IV is linked to it....
 This is my pathetic face..(I am tired of all this btw, lol)
 The drugs they mix as I wait, this one isn't allowed to see the light, the brown bag...when this one hangs I know I have one hour left...
 These are all some shots where I'm goofing around in the room, taking pics with my phone as I'm quite there's my IV, and above I was standing on the chair, and below is my sick sense of humor .....

 and this one here is blurry as you can see ............

 This is the drug that results in hair loss, I still don't think I would have lost my hair, oh, I think it depends on the weight of individual and the amount of dosage....I could be wrong about my hair.....ahhh well, I will never know entirely, :)

Chemo Time

  Chemo time again tomorrow.... I am pretty much to burnt out on this topic to even write about this... so skip that, life has been overall pretty good.  Christmas is this weekend.... woo hoo!!!  everyone have a great Holiday who is reading if I don't touch bases with the blog after chemo... I hope it's not like last time.... ugh....

Thursday, December 15, 2011


  I have this great picture of my black cat sitting in/on my wheat grass, but am having difficulty retrieving the pic.  Anyway she was up on the shelf in the wheat grass tray lounged on out and completely smashing the grass.  I cut it and washed it anyway for use.  They have been crazed for the wheat's been a challenge.
   So, last week was not fun at all, most of it anyhow.  I wrote about that.  Two more treatments before my pet scan which is scheduled for next month!!!  I can't believe that it is already scheduled.  The last time I got a pet scan, the only time, I threw a bit of a fit.  The machine is in a neighboring town, in a sort of truck outside, that feels sort of like space craft, or maybe an airplane.  They shoot a bit of radio active (is that what I mean, radio active?) glucose into your system and you wait in the dark, "relaxing".  I believe at that point I was sick of procedures, I was waiting for the tech to finish with a man in the machine, the whole thing was odd..... Then it was my turn.
  I look up at the calendar and the note for these upcoming dates, and I wish this first part of it all (chemo) could be summed up by those bits of paper.  I so want to get excited for that, but I know in this life how it can go.  There is a book I read, about vibration and spirituality, and really I should be raising the vibe that this segment will be done, get really excited about it, I want to, yet still I hesitate a bit.
  The next segment being radiation, the time frame will depend, I want to move onto that asap.....skip all that time frame talk for now...My oncologist this week seemed please with my cell count, seems at this point some people need a blood transfusion.
  I shouldn't, but of late I have been so fatigued at times I have taken to drinking triple shot Americano's and the like.  Too much coffee for me, but it seems necessary, I get sick of feeling tired.  I am also sick of hot flashes, for one of the first years that I can remember I really love stepping outside into the cold winter air.  It's so refreshing and nice.
  I have spent time lately with varied friends, and I love the time we have been spending together.  A couple nights ago I found myself with people, that hadn't all been together in years, with myself present, it was really great, so many years ago we all use to spend tons of time together....and other people as well I have spent time with.  I am grateful for this time.  My writing is skittery as I had too mas caffeine today...but you get the point if your even still reading....Speaking of that I can tell that people are reading besides the ones that tell me, because of a number tracker thing that's on blogger.
  There is quite a lot I could ramble on about, basically I'm excited because today I got the info on when my pet scan is and the following appointment.
   It's interesting, there were a handful of personal things that I wanted to work on before all this, then when I was diagnosed I didn't want to at all, and then time went by, and by happenstance and then desire I ended up working on those personal things and continue to do so, I wonder if I would be working on them as diligently if all this hadn't happened.
Since I know this is a chapter in my life, I have to believe there will be more chapters and I would like to be ready for them, as ready as one can be.....

Friday, December 9, 2011


  This round has been not so good at all. The day after chemo I was tired, got my shot, and in the middle of the night around 3 a.m. I awoke feeling terrible, and since then have been pretty exhausted.  More nausea this time around and definitely more fatigued.  Then I think the hormone shifts are getting to me, because not only was I feeling like junk in the middle of the night, but I was crying my head off about all sorts of things, I'm sure a lot of valid feelings, but once I got started crying I had to calm myself.  I felt fear around all of this cancer stuff.  I am letting myself sleep as much as possible so I can let my body repair.  This time, is similar in a way (yet not as bad) as the first chemo treatment.  That treatment was no picnic, nor is this....  I don't want to make this a negative dumping ground... but I have to be real.  Also I think the nurse said the chemo sort of adds up over time, that is why I'm thinking I feel so shitty now.  Tired I can handle, but this bleh feeling has got to go!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

"....shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right..."

  Funny!  I had quit smoking in March, well when I found out I had cancer naturally I started having drags here and there.  Well every week I fill out paperwork on my symptoms, and it has a smoking line to check, I just write in drags if I've had any, which isn't always.  This week, my oncologist came into the room and looked concerned and weird, after the nurse left she looked at me and asked about drugs.  Pointed to the paper that had been passed off to her, (I love this woman), I just started laughing and said draaaaags.  My mom and her were laughing as well, it was a riot. What's funny to me is I've written drags before, but my A must of looked like a U, I pretty much told her I was hitting the crack pipe, not to, jk!
  Anyway I was going to put a picture up of my teletubby port, but I'll spare you for now.  I am tired of that thing, under my skin.  Anyway at chemo, the nurses were surrounded around exchanging stories, I do love that aspect and those people are some of the greatest I've met in a very long time.  I love my nurse and she's the head.  And the little English volunteer with her thick accent is a RIOT!!!  Some of her stories on what words mean there and what they mean here and the predicaments, way too funny.
  I am definitely blessed things could be a lot worse.  I definitely know what I need to do and am learning to do, is be mindful in the moment.  Not be living in the past, nor wondering the future, but to be LIVING in the moment.  I also recognize that it would be wise to appreciate who is there as a good friend, even just a phone call or a text, instead of focusing on what I see as "not good" enough in some situations.  And it's like the song lyrics "Once in awhile you get shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right." Originally by Grateful Dead, a great song, "Scarlet Begonias"...  I was just sitting here thinking of a friend, friends that are great people, and one for example has a grip of kids, and she remembers things and is so attentive and doesn't even live here, both her and her husband have always been good to me.  Or another that always reads this, and people that no matter how busy they are can still pick up the phone.  I also have realized, that I can pick up the phone, and yes I'm a bit demanding (duh,) but it does go both ways....My addict personality generally says more, more, MORE in lots of categories, (working on it, and LOTS, lol)  I realize that some of my needs can only be filled through my spirituality, my connection with all that jazz....
  Anyway I digress into my own truckload of issues.  I should have two chemo's left, and that's the attitude people have around me, but it does cause me some stress, and I know in this life I have to be prepared for whatever.  I would be lying if I didn't tell you I hadn't mentally ticked off the best case scenario and worst time wise on my calendar.
  Well I'm drinking a green smoothie that's awesome, in a couple hours it's time for shot number six in the tummy....then toss on a pain patch...and see how it goes.  Oh yeah, as I was laying in bed this morning feeling bleh, I thought to myself, I so easily could have just kept walking around another month and dropped dead.  I must be here for a reason.  Maybe I've said that before... but the odds were so high to drop dead very quickly and I didn't, and I wasn't that in need it felt like to go to the doctor, it felt like a fluke, and I felt silly for even going. I called my mom and asked if I should even bother... and had she not encouraged me, I'd likely be a goner.   btw my mom is very amazing..if you didn't know that....
  So maybe my reason is to be here ??????? a million and one more things, who knows? It doesn't really matter....I think I'm needed on earth for's that song....

Sunday, December 4, 2011

To A Craigslist Shopper

(This is an email response to a seemingly flaky individual)
"You don't realize this but I think I will share it so that we can all learn how much we affect each other.  You agreed to meet me at two, and my family wanted me to go eat and spend time with them.  You also don't realize I have Hodgkin's lymphoma and have two days left before chemo.  I won't feel all that hot after chemo.... so the chain of events is that I sat here and waited for you because I trust people to do what they say, and/ or call/email.  I missed a nice family moment.  And I arranged to cut you a deal....and you disregarded me as a human being completely.....

Perhaps you got in a wreck or something..... for that I would be terribly sorry, and retract my above statement, because naturally you couldn't call me.  I am thinking though that somehow you could have connected with your iphone that I am receiving emails from..... To verify that my cancer story isn't bogus I will send you the link...... 

Merry Christmas.....from someone who was going to cut you a deal and waited a good hour for you.  Your a no show, and it affects me.  We all affect each other.  Oh and btw no snow on the ground, so the driving is easy....... so I really wonder, what you would say for yourself........ Courtesy please, I don't mention my having cancer (at 32 years old) to make you feel bad.... only so that you can see my extra time is precious between treatments, and I'd much rather be spending it with the people I love then waiting for you!  Have a Merry Christmas"

This email is reposted here, because I am so tired of how inconsiderate people are with my time.... I have had it.  This wasn't over money, not much involved at all....That is so not the point.... the point is, why the fuck don't people use the phone, or send an email..... this day all in all hasn't been good anyway, this was just another thing... but I most definitely could have used the time with family...  And it also is to reflect how we are all affected by each other, to remind me, that a stranger can have an impact in my life, and then others, and so on and so forth.  As well as my actions can do the same.... Thanks Craigslist Shopper