Friday, March 23, 2012


                                        I don't think I posted this video, but either way I like this song.......

Not too far down the road I am suppose to have that pet-scan update.  I really don't want to do this.  I want to ignore it, just let time slip away.  A part of me hopes that the doctors won't contact me for follow up.
  It's been difficult to be around groups of people that I hadn't been around in many months.  Their inquiries are too much.  At times I get defensive, then once recently emotional and I just lost it and started to cry.  Being in recovery, many people mean well with their questions, but sometimes I think people are just nosy.  It's very frustrating, for me to be kind with their questions, at times next to impossible it feels and I just turn bitchy.  I think in time all this will pass.  I really hope so.  Certain things don't just end for me because they are over.  I am sure many people feel this way.  Will I get this scan?  More than likely, yet I really, don't want too.  You know that whole ignorance is bliss deal.  I don't know that I've been as ignorant as I'd truly like to be, lol.  Sure, likely in ways, I don't have it all figured out, but once you know, you can't just pretend you don't.
  The most important part is to stay in the now.  This seems so hard for me... I am trying to take better care of myself, though it hasn't been perfect.  Doing what I can do...I am sober at this time, I really want to want to be sober more.  In time I believe this will happen.  I have loved sober living before and I know I will again.  It may not even be that so much, (well in ways) but having sleep issues leaves me grumpy a lot, drained, which doesn't make for a happy camper.  Definitely not for me, I've been too on edge.  I just have to keep on trucking.  :)

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Woo Hoo!!!

  I started my you know what!!! This makes me happy.... although it doesn't guarantee fertility, here's a link from a breast cancer site, that is informative.  I will not choose to read any more on the topic, because I don't want to over think it.  It's just great that after not even two months of finishing chemo I am having a cycle.  Hopefully it's an ongoing thing and not a fluke menopause type deal.  Women who go through menopause have sporadic random periods, and I hope this is not the case for me.

  So this may seem like too much info, but it's part of the process as a female who has gone through chemo treatments... I'm very excited about this, lol.   Keeping my fingers crossed this is my body returning back to it's pre-cancer state :)  That's all for now


Monday, March 5, 2012

This & That

  Things are going well overall.  I'm still detoxing from the chemo.  Drinking lots of tea and sleeping at very late hours quite a lot.  I mean I can't go to sleep until late. Still that will take time to get all of that out of my system.

 I'm thinking of getting my hormone levels checked in a month or two.  Not too concerned about that.

  Of late I have done a shit ton of research on shampoo.  I knew most of it was bad for you as so many has detergent in it, thus making it suds up.  Not to mention all the other harmful ingredients.  After comparing products and reading testimonials on expensive shampoo to inexpensive.  I'm going with the least amount of ingredients.  There was a higher dollar one with essential oils, and then I decided to go with Aubrey Organics (also oils in it), as new hair is like baby hair and I want to be gentle with it.  So, between that, a healthy diet and supplements I think things will be good.  I see all these women with short hair and I don't honestly know how they embrace it.  They look great, really good, but I suppose I just feel that I love what I'm use too.  Whatever my feelings are I will have short hair for awhile.  Maybe I think it works for them, but won't for me....

  The last few days I have slacked on working out because for the most part I have been so exhausted.  Not getting enough sleep hardly makes me want to push myself to work out.  And of course it's ironic because now photographers are contacting me.  I am concerned that I won't feel super into this until my hair is longer.  On the other hand I should just go for it, or switch it up with the wigs.  Actually I've been in contact throughout this ordeal, I think I'd feel it if I was in better shape, and again had my own hair.  Many women model at the size I am, all different sizes, but I really like to be more toned.

 I really am not sure what I will do, but to do it well I have to be rested anyway.  I didn't quite think about post treatment, and how the detox from chemo isn't just "Oh it's over, I'm better now.."

  I am better no doubt about it, but I surely don't feel like my old self.  In time I am sure that I will.  I have been sober so this is good.  It is also hard at points.  It will get easier I know, but even after over two years of being sober, I am near certain that there wasn't a day or many that went by without me thinking about it in some way or another.

  And the last thing on my mind related to all of this is I will have to do another scan in awhile.  I'm sure I don't have to elaborate on how that makes me feel.  Skip that and back to shampoo, it's funny I spent around $50 on a shampoo and conditioner (that was a deal I got as well) and the first ingredient is one of the one's your suppose to watch out for.  There are so many high dollar shampoo's like that, granted this kind didn't have tons of ingredients but just the same.  I know you have to adapt to different shampoo's but I am choosing to adapt to healthier ones for my hair.  I read how I could also make it myself, but I'll skip that, though it wouldn't be hard.  So my selections should arrive soon.  I won't list the labels of one's people think are awesome but probably suck, though they aren't horrid, horrid.

k.....that's it for now :)