Friday, December 30, 2011

New Wig Pics.... :)

Today I got another wig~ Too mas fun, really... Anyway here's some pics I took in my apartment as you can see by the eclectic randomness in the background.
This picture was me being all energetic and dancey (not a word) right before the timer went off, I love doing that...you never know what your going to get...look at Sophie my kitty on the left, her eyes glowing...uggh, I can't stand that fluorescent kitchen light...anyway, lol.....the pic below, well I have to show EVERY angle of my hair, or my spare hair as this lady I know calls it..These last two in my opinion I didn't manipulate the camera as much as I normally post....I hope to one day look like a stick figure...haha JK :) love you all and thanks for your support, your vibes, your prayers, your comments, all your love....

 

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Fragments

   Today I had to take a pulmonary function test...?  Seems that was what it was called.  I am still breathing.  The purpose was to make sure one of the chemo drugs isn't being to hard on my lungs.  Looks like it may be doing a little something, but nothing of major concern.  And it's reparable often after a few months.  It was interesting, I sat in this glass box on a chair with breathing gear to breathe into...The lady had me do different exercises and my lung functioning looks good.  Good enough to keep on dumping toxic crap down my port.... keeping my fingers crossed about it all.. The machine did some mathematical equation due to the pressure in there....I don't even get it, but it was high tech.. :)
  This young woman, probably younger than me, had a nightmare of a story in my opinion and she was so positive, that day I was nauseated, and listening to her, likely thinking my if this part isn't over soon, take me out back and shoot me thoughts.... anyway her bright attitude about it all was great, but woah...this girl had run the gamut with the c scene...
  Anyway today was great, I heard from a person in my life that I haven't heard from in awhile via the mail...
  I can't write this, I keep hearing songs, and reading bio's on bands, so it's fragmented.... there is a lot going on in my life, most of which I don't feel like putting here.... I'm just passing time, waiting to see what the results will be of this next scan coming up in January...but focusing on it at this point, will just make me batshit..... so I won't........ HAPPY NEW YEAR......ALMOST !!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Smattering of Pics


 This is my port near my collarbone, it makes chemo easier as far as not going in and out of veins all the time, it will be removed after my treatments...the marks around it are from the bandage thing you see in the next picture....
 and here it is under a bandage as my IV is linked to it....
 This is my pathetic face..(I am tired of all this btw, lol)
 The drugs they mix as I wait, this one isn't allowed to see the light, the brown bag...when this one hangs I know I have one hour left...
 These are all some shots where I'm goofing around in the room, taking pics with my phone as I'm quite bored....so there's my IV, and above I was standing on the chair, and below is my sick sense of humor .....


 and this one here is blurry as you can see ............

 This is the drug that results in hair loss, I still don't think I would have lost my hair, oh well.....lol, I think it depends on the weight of individual and the amount of dosage....I could be wrong about my hair.....ahhh well, I will never know entirely, :)









Chemo Time

  Chemo time again tomorrow.... I am pretty much to burnt out on this topic to even write about this... so skip that, life has been overall pretty good.  Christmas is this weekend.... woo hoo!!!  everyone have a great Holiday who is reading if I don't touch bases with the blog after chemo... I hope it's not like last time.... ugh....

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Skittery

  I have this great picture of my black cat sitting in/on my wheat grass, but am having difficulty retrieving the pic.  Anyway she was up on the shelf in the wheat grass tray lounged on out and completely smashing the grass.  I cut it and washed it anyway for use.  They have been crazed for the wheat grass...it's been a challenge.
   So, last week was not fun at all, most of it anyhow.  I wrote about that.  Two more treatments before my pet scan which is scheduled for next month!!!  I can't believe that it is already scheduled.  The last time I got a pet scan, the only time, I threw a bit of a fit.  The machine is in a neighboring town, in a sort of truck outside, that feels sort of like space craft, or maybe an airplane.  They shoot a bit of radio active (is that what I mean, radio active?) glucose into your system and you wait in the dark, "relaxing".  I believe at that point I was sick of procedures, I was waiting for the tech to finish with a man in the machine, the whole thing was odd..... Then it was my turn.
  I look up at the calendar and the note for these upcoming dates, and I wish this first part of it all (chemo) could be summed up by those bits of paper.  I so want to get excited for that, but I know in this life how it can go.  There is a book I read, about vibration and spirituality, and really I should be raising the vibe that this segment will be done, get really excited about it, I want to, yet still I hesitate a bit.
  The next segment being radiation, the time frame will depend, I want to move onto that asap.....skip all that time frame talk for now...My oncologist this week seemed please with my cell count, seems at this point some people need a blood transfusion.
  I shouldn't, but of late I have been so fatigued at times I have taken to drinking triple shot Americano's and the like.  Too much coffee for me, but it seems necessary, I get sick of feeling tired.  I am also sick of hot flashes, for one of the first years that I can remember I really love stepping outside into the cold winter air.  It's so refreshing and nice.
  I have spent time lately with varied friends, and I love the time we have been spending together.  A couple nights ago I found myself with people, that hadn't all been together in years, with myself present, it was really great, so many years ago we all use to spend tons of time together....and other people as well I have spent time with.  I am grateful for this time.  My writing is skittery as I had too mas caffeine today...but you get the point if your even still reading....Speaking of that I can tell that people are reading besides the ones that tell me, because of a number tracker thing that's on blogger.
  There is quite a lot I could ramble on about, basically I'm excited because today I got the info on when my pet scan is and the following appointment.
   It's interesting, there were a handful of personal things that I wanted to work on before all this, then when I was diagnosed I didn't want to at all, and then time went by, and by happenstance and then desire I ended up working on those personal things and continue to do so, I wonder if I would be working on them as diligently if all this hadn't happened.
Since I know this is a chapter in my life, I have to believe there will be more chapters and I would like to be ready for them, as ready as one can be.....
 
 
 

Friday, December 9, 2011

Ick

  This round has been not so good at all. The day after chemo I was tired, got my shot, and in the middle of the night around 3 a.m. I awoke feeling terrible, and since then have been pretty exhausted.  More nausea this time around and definitely more fatigued.  Then I think the hormone shifts are getting to me, because not only was I feeling like junk in the middle of the night, but I was crying my head off about all sorts of things, I'm sure a lot of valid feelings, but once I got started crying I had to calm myself.  I felt fear around all of this cancer stuff.  I am letting myself sleep as much as possible so I can let my body repair.  This time, is similar in a way (yet not as bad) as the first chemo treatment.  That treatment was no picnic, nor is this....  I don't want to make this a negative dumping ground... but I have to be real.  Also I think the nurse said the chemo sort of adds up over time, that is why I'm thinking I feel so shitty now.  Tired I can handle, but this bleh feeling has got to go!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

"....shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right..."

  Funny!  I had quit smoking in March, well when I found out I had cancer naturally I started having drags here and there.  Well every week I fill out paperwork on my symptoms, and it has a smoking line to check, I just write in drags if I've had any, which isn't always.  This week, my oncologist came into the room and looked concerned and weird, after the nurse left she looked at me and asked about drugs.  Pointed to the paper that had been passed off to her, (I love this woman), I just started laughing and said draaaaags.  My mom and her were laughing as well, it was a riot. What's funny to me is I've written drags before, but my A must of looked like a U, I pretty much told her I was hitting the crack pipe, not to worry..lol, jk!
  Anyway I was going to put a picture up of my teletubby port, but I'll spare you for now.  I am tired of that thing, under my skin.  Anyway at chemo, the nurses were surrounded around exchanging stories, I do love that aspect and those people are some of the greatest I've met in a very long time.  I love my nurse and she's the head.  And the little English volunteer with her thick accent is a RIOT!!!  Some of her stories on what words mean there and what they mean here and the predicaments, way too funny.
  I am definitely blessed things could be a lot worse.  I definitely know what I need to do and am learning to do, is be mindful in the moment.  Not be living in the past, nor wondering the future, but to be LIVING in the moment.  I also recognize that it would be wise to appreciate who is there as a good friend, even just a phone call or a text, instead of focusing on what I see as "not good" enough in some situations.  And it's like the song lyrics "Once in awhile you get shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right." Originally by Grateful Dead, a great song, "Scarlet Begonias"...  I was just sitting here thinking of a friend, friends that are great people, and one for example has a grip of kids, and she remembers things and is so attentive and doesn't even live here, both her and her husband have always been good to me.  Or another that always reads this, and people that no matter how busy they are can still pick up the phone.  I also have realized, that I can pick up the phone, and yes I'm a bit demanding (duh,) but it does go both ways....My addict personality generally says more, more, MORE in lots of categories, (working on it, and LOTS, lol)  I realize that some of my needs can only be filled through my spirituality, my connection with all that jazz....
  Anyway I digress into my own truckload of issues.  I should have two chemo's left, and that's the attitude people have around me, but it does cause me some stress, and I know in this life I have to be prepared for whatever.  I would be lying if I didn't tell you I hadn't mentally ticked off the best case scenario and worst time wise on my calendar.
  Well I'm drinking a green smoothie that's awesome, in a couple hours it's time for shot number six in the tummy....then toss on a pain patch...and see how it goes.  Oh yeah, as I was laying in bed this morning feeling bleh, I thought to myself, I so easily could have just kept walking around another month and dropped dead.  I must be here for a reason.  Maybe I've said that before... but the odds were so high to drop dead very quickly and I didn't, and I wasn't that in need it felt like to go to the doctor, it felt like a fluke, and I felt silly for even going. I called my mom and asked if I should even bother... and had she not encouraged me, I'd likely be a goner.   btw my mom is very amazing..if you didn't know that....
  So maybe my reason is to be here ??????? a million and one more things, who knows? It doesn't really matter....I think I'm needed on earth for awhile...here's that song....

Sunday, December 4, 2011

To A Craigslist Shopper

(This is an email response to a seemingly flaky individual)
"You don't realize this but I think I will share it so that we can all learn how much we affect each other.  You agreed to meet me at two, and my family wanted me to go eat and spend time with them.  You also don't realize I have Hodgkin's lymphoma and have two days left before chemo.  I won't feel all that hot after chemo.... so the chain of events is that I sat here and waited for you because I trust people to do what they say, and/ or call/email.  I missed a nice family moment.  And I arranged to cut you a deal....and you disregarded me as a human being completely.....

Perhaps you got in a wreck or something..... for that I would be terribly sorry, and retract my above statement, because naturally you couldn't call me.  I am thinking though that somehow you could have connected with your iphone that I am receiving emails from..... To verify that my cancer story isn't bogus I will send you the link...... 

Merry Christmas.....from someone who was going to cut you a deal and waited a good hour for you.  Your a no show, and it affects me.  We all affect each other.  Oh and btw no snow on the ground, so the driving is easy....... so I really wonder, what you would say for yourself........ Courtesy please, I don't mention my having cancer (at 32 years old) to make you feel bad.... only so that you can see my extra time is precious between treatments, and I'd much rather be spending it with the people I love then waiting for you!  Have a Merry Christmas"


This email is reposted here, because I am so tired of how inconsiderate people are with my time.... I have had it.  This wasn't over money, not much involved at all....That is so not the point.... the point is, why the fuck don't people use the phone, or send an email..... this day all in all hasn't been good anyway, this was just another thing... but I most definitely could have used the time with family...  And it also is to reflect how we are all affected by each other, to remind me, that a stranger can have an impact in my life, and then others, and so on and so forth.  As well as my actions can do the same.... Thanks Craigslist Shopper

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Upswing.....

  I am starting to feel a bit better.  Of late I have wanted to change the heading of this blog, the title, Cancer Chapter.  Though I talk about that part of my life here, it really is just a part of my life.  I recently tried to figure out what the percentage would be, but I can't really do that, because some things aren't black and white.  The things I have learned aside from all this, maybe wouldn't have been learned had I not had to deal with this.  It is in fact just a chapter though.
   I see these older people for the most part at the cancer center.  It's such a trip that I am there.  There are oodles of youngish/young people dealing with cancer, but not as many as there are old.  At least I am mainly seeing older people.  Of course, half the time I feel about 17, I'm not exactly a youngin'.
  I dialed a wrong number not long ago, to talk about an appointment at the cancer center and oddly enough I dialed an old friends number, and rattled on about my mistake on her machine, anyway she called today....I love it when different events happen that tie us all together more closely.  (By the way, I don't live in a city of like 500 or anything so that is quite odd to happen).
  I never knew I was sick, and the oncologist has said at times, you will start to feel better, but I didn't feel bad physically when I was "sick".  Very tired this summer, mostly I was depressed, I had such horrible spells of that, but I blamed it on hormones, I haven't felt as horrid since that mass has shrunk above my heart, I have to believe they are tied together.  I had in years past experienced these wild manics primarily, and then like I said had icky depressions this summer.  I had had them before in my life, but ugh, it was horrid.  Now if I feel like I'm getting down I know it will pass.
  In January that should be my last treatment, then on to radiation.  I am not one to count my chickens before they hatch, but I truly hope this is all gone.
  Oh, switching to the topic of wheat grass.... great concept, but I am fucking over wheat grass...  all around for what you yield it's a pain in the ass, it's great for you, blah, blah...my cat knocked over a whole tray and I thought I was going to go postal.  I am slightly anemic, borderline anemia, most of the time and I think wheat grass is suppose to help with all that, but I really could careless at this point.  My mom has been awesome in every way and she is still into me drinking it and I will, but it takes half a tray to squeeze out not all that much....I just threw some in the Vita Mix instead of the juicer to yield ALL benefits.  Anyway, it's great for you, but a pain in the ass if you ask me.  (yes, yes, it's amazing for people I know)

  There is a lot I could write, but instead I'll leave this prayer by Mother Theresa... the last line has helped me tremendously, it was odd, months ago I found one copy I had of it, then within about a day or so found another copy, whatever amount of time is was very short.....


The Final Analysis

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

~ Mother Teresa
  

Monday, November 28, 2011

Pre Thanksgiving Pic


This pic is from the other night, I thought I would post it, as far as today goes, I'm not feeling so great, lots of sleeping, and somewhat sick.  Have a happy week everyone....  :)

Saturday, November 26, 2011

~

  This treatment has been a bit tiring, maybe more so than usual, I'm not sure.  I am looking forward to getting further away from this last round, I should feel more on top of it by Monday likely.  I tried to go shopping a couple days ago and started having these horrible hot flashes, then thought they were going to graduate into a panic attack.  Needless to say my purchase was more of an impulse purchase, with me not thinking straight.  Hot flashes likely due to the chemo messing with my hormones..
  Anyway I did have a great time going out with friends the other night.  I was so tired that I went to the last resort of an energy drink, not so good.  It was nice to see friends, and catch up.  At one of my old favorite bars, and I have to ask myself why it's a fave, I will always ask myself why on those bars, but they will likely always hold a special place in my heart.   (cheezy but true)
  I will be glad when this cancer chapter is done in my life.  Of late it has left me feeling vulnerable, which also could be the chemo in my system.  Staying positive is not always easy, but over all it's the way to be.  I have slept for like 12 hour increments.  A wee bit on the lazy side, I can't wait until I look back on all of this in my life (when it's OVER)...and I have a very strong feeling that's how it will work out, this was my journey I had to experience, and then I feel it will be over.  And all those that believe that an event like cancer does change you, I believe that they might be right.  Now I'm not saying, it changes me from sinner to saint, haha, that would be rich.... not like that.  Oh you know what I mean, though in the beginning I think people had some sort of preconception that somehow I would drastically transform.  I was sort of like I just have cancer I'm not getting a brain transplant, or some such thing...
 

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Cat Scan Results & Chemo #5



 Yesterday was the magic day for my cat scan.  I love the fact that I didn't wear a bra with a wire, so I didn't have to wear a gown.  I did the usual, breathe in and hold your breathe so they could get pictures.  As I was lying there I did begin to get emotional inside.  And the contrast that they put in my veins, is suppose to get warm, but it got so, so, warm for a bit, that it was uncomfortable. I'm not really a wimp when it comes to most poking and prodding, I've had so much of it, blood draws and what not.  Anyway when the cat scan was done, the tech gave me a cotton ball to hold over where the IV had been removed, a few seconds seemed adequate to me, but nope, blood started running down my arm, a couple splats on the floor.  I asked if they were different needles then used for blood draws...yep.   The pictures above are of barium, which is what I had to drink before hand.  And hours and a half or so.  I was told it's ground up rock.  That berry flavor tasted like drinking scented shampoo.  The other tech said he had never heard that before.  Or cheap perfume, something soapy...
 
  Today was chemo day number 5.  I also got the results back of my cat scan.  They are really positive, it looks like most of the cancer is gone, and what's left isn't a lot.  I'm thinking I have 3 more chemo treatments, which would be AWESOME, but I have to wait until the first week of January or so when I get a pet scan to know if I'm done with chemo.

Then when that's done it will bring me to radiation treatments for 6 weeks.  Today the nurse was telling me that the first one is usually longer, and they are usually about 15 minutes... So I'm staying in the moment.  Today's chemo went fine, though I kind of get icky feelings about it at points, or I had this feeling like I just wanted to get up and walk out, maybe because I knew I had to sit there until the bags emptied....

  Anyhow, that's my update on my first cat scan since beginning chemo, and chemo #5 :)

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Open to Divinity

  I have been busy of late.  These last so many days I have felt a lot more energized.  I am excited for my cat scan now.  I was nervous or stressed about it, almost as if it was a test I could personally fail.  Like oh shit, I didn't meditate hard enough.   Whatever way it goes is the way it's suppose to, but I so want it to go well!!!
  I have had great times with friends this last week.  Really full, happy moments with them.  I appreciate them so much, I have known some of them for SO LONG!!!!  Some of my girl friends I have spent some awesome quality time with.  And then this evening I had a great time hanging with mostly guy friends.  A lot of laughter, that is so important.  To me it is important, I highly value my acting silly time...
  I have also spent a lot of time with my family, and they are absolutely wonderful.  I couldn't have a better family, truly.  I have so much to be thankful for.  
  There has been a bit on my mind, about one potential outcome of this whole diagnosis.  But there's not much I can do.  It's the children dealio.   I had to take immediate action when it came to chemo, so that was that...Some women harvest their eggs, which costs an astronomical amount I'm sure.  Anyway, whatever will be, will be.  I truly feel at the whim of my life, which I guess I never was in control anyway, but I most definitely thought I was in ways, and still do in certain aspects.
  No matter who you are, it doesn't really matter, there are some things that no one is really immune to. And a bit of that I believe consists in life lessons.  That's just my personal view, that there are some things that each of us need to learn, and one way or another we are given the opportunity to rise to the task.
   And sometimes it's a total bitch, the great part is when you can turn around and embrace that bitch, step back and see that somehow all along she was a goddess guiding you, in the only way that would work for you, help you to see.  Showing you things through events that would likely be the best way to teach you personally......

 Taking control isn't always a bad thing. Obviously not...I haven't shared this on my blog, but it is one of those Bitch turned Goddess lessons.  I was so wanting to be empowered when it came to losing my hair, I didn't want to deal with tufts of hair falling out, being strewn about, so I went for it, and all my locks are gone!  Interestingly enough, the small amount of hair that remained, still remains, and I do believe has grown a tiny bit, at this point in chemo, it should be gone, and I do believe my eyebrows as well as eyelashes. Nope, but I still have more treatments to go so I am waiting for this to occur.  And I've had to laugh because if it doesn't fall out, then I did it for nothing...Though it would have been rare, and likely would have thinned (I had a ton of hair) I would still have it, or some.  It makes me smile now, because the lesson was so great for me, on a few levels.  Most importantly it was one of the first times I realized how truly strong I am.  I have been as I said before through so, so, so, much.... but this really was a big lesson for me.
  Ok now I want my hair back, lol.....and if it finally falls out, oh well....If I relax no matter what the circumstances I am divinely led, if I am open to divinity, despite what is put in front of me as my lesson, this isn't always easy...... long story short, I'm trying to go with the flow, and I hope to someday achieve this with an element of grace.

<3 <3 <3  Love you!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Increments. I.....ncr.......................e........m.........En.............Ts..........AgaIn.

  I'm either half way done or a third of the way done.  That's what I learned today about my chemo treatments.  I won't know for certain for a couple months I'm thinking, but should have a better idea next Tuesday after my scan.  So really no new news.   then r a d i a t i on

Monday, November 14, 2011

Things

  Tomorrow and it will have been a week since chemo.  I was going to call chemo, nemo when I started all these treatments, but that would have had everyone confused.  Well nearly everyone.  Anyway I want to know how many nemo treatments I have left exactly.  Is it 4 or is it 8? That's the difference of a couple months, as well as the obvious, more treatments.  I have this feeling it will be 8 left, which really does not sound fun, because after that is radiation.  This is nuts, all of it, as I think of it, just stupid crazy, lol.  Or she (one of my oncologists) may say, if your scan looks good then only 4.  I was so excited thinking I was half way done.  I don't want to lose the positive (for the most part) roll I have been on, but patience is one of my weakest areas.  I suppose it will all work the way it is suppose to.  This last week has been ok, mild nausea at times, and fatigue to be sure.  Nothing I can't handle, so that's good.
  So my mosaics I definitely need a lot of practice.  I used black grout, with the wrong colored little glass stones, and what a mess, it looks like stuff that was pulled out of a fire pit that was burnt to shit.  Oh well, practice is what I need, and bright colors against black...and probably to be doing that art project in the summer as it's messy.
  My wheat grass seeds are on a three shelved rolling tray, and they look to be breaking open.  The owner of the store gave me like 25 pounds worth of seeds, he said they were a little old, so I'm hoping they sprout the grass, right now it's the root popping out.  This is the trial run, once I have grass I'll take pictures.  I have been keeping myself busy with things like that, and garage sales are still happening!!! And spending time with people here and there.  Also, I forgot to mention, I am on a fruit and veggie dehydrating kick, I LOVE IT!!!  And have been drinking crazy smoothie combo's, pumpkin, banana, avocado, etc...My friend gave me a pumpkin and I used nearly every part, just like a buffalo :)
   I am also still meditating, and exercising lightly, now I will incorporate some mindfulness exercises into the day more so than I had been doing.  There are reasons to these rhymes, a healthier body, mind, and spirit.  Ahh but the world is going to end next year so I don't need to over exert myself.....HA! just playing....

Friday, November 11, 2011

11/11/11

I just awoke from a nap... I am feeling some fatigue from the chemo right now.... I am not exactly sure how many treatments I have left. I thought more than likely four, we'll see, maybe eight, who knows.  I just found this picture online, kind of fun~ I had rainbow socks on today :)  I hope everyone's day was great!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

21 Minutes

  Alright! 4 more chemo's if all goes as well.  Then on to radiation. 1/2 way done with chemo.  Today was nice, because I met someone not so much younger than I to b.s. with while the bags dripped on.  It was a crazy busy day, I'm not about to list everything I got done today, and even some stuff after chemo, an appointment, car stuff, ......
  I really enjoyed this morning before my quick workout.  I meditated for 21 minutes.  My mind is crazy, but there were some still moments, and in those still spaces a clear thought would eventually appear, a thought of substance, (not all mine are, lol) and then a little voice I felt, telling me to say it out loud.  Why not? So I did.  They were positive, strong and loving words.  I had a range of emotions, that happened in those 21 minutes as my mind went here and there...Sad a bit of it, all in all love the antidote....
   I am also about to embark on mindfulness, this seems like an easy concept, be mindful of the now in detail and in it's completeness...I have done this before, and it's difficult to stay with.  It keeps you rooted in the now, where as I view meditation as more of a pulling back, seeing the space between the ships in your minds eye as they float by...(I'm not an expert on either of these things, that's why I am back at learning them, so I won't go on and on like I know all that I am talking about.)  Point being, meditation, and mindfulness I think are very important.  Bringing awareness to behaviors to see what motivates me....Or to find some peace, a little bit of calm within...

  What's crazy cool about life is I see that I don't know everything that is going to happen, for a long time I felt I did, well life throws you curve balls.  At times their horrid, and every now and then, a little bit of amazing happens....Even with the seemingly horrid curve balls, if you hold it up to the light, it will have a bright side,  ok this is getting nearly a bit cliche style....

And before I forget, my lab today came out rockstar, aces!!!!! great blood going on! I am no longer anemic, at least not now :)  White blood cells off the charts~ :)

I am posting this song that I love for a friend of mine.....she cant' get the link to work, so I'll put it right here..... for you my friend!!!!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Kale Chips & Meditation

  Ok, so I'm getting back on track with my diet and incorporating some exercise back into my life.  I am really excited as my dad got me a wheatgrass juicer which should be here by Wednesday.  I also finally got a food dehydrator, which I am loving!  I can't find kale chips anywhere in this city so I made my own!  I would like to move towards a raw foods diet, but that's a bit unrealistic.  After being exposed to "Diet For A New America," years ago I have gradually made positive changes over the years.
   When I found out I had cancer all that went out the window.  I hadn't eaten at say McDonalds in four years, was sober for two, gluten free (though was easing up on that), hadn't smoked a cigarette in quite some time, basically quite healthy, well seemingly so. I do have cancer after all. (that they have no explanation what causes this type, huh? ok.)
  When I was growing up I was fed dried fruit and quite nutritionally.  Anyway this dehydrator makes me think of my childhood.
  I have known for quite some time that an alkaline diet helps greatly with cancer, BIG TIME, here's a link, one of zillions, http://www.greatestherbsonearth.com/articles/acid_alkaline.htm .  Though I won't turn my diet over completely, I would like to work in a positive direction.  I guess after nearly two months of knowing I have cancer, I am finally ready to kick in.  I don't want to have this experience more than once.
  Ahh but I do have spiritual views, and realize I am not in control of the outcome of every little situation.  I figure if I'm proactive things just may go smoother.  I'm not ready to ditch coffee, it's acidic on the ph scale but I can minimize, and boost in other ways on the alkaline scale, etc.  I heard recently from this movie trailer about cancer, that your body is like a fish tank, the ph needs to be balanced on the insides for optimum health.  (Something along that line)   Makes sense to me.
   I could go off on nutrition type things forever, but the overall point is that I'm moving in a positive direction.
  Also, one time I went to this sitting/walking meditation class, it was SO hard, I mean insanely difficult for me.  I thought I might lose my mind.  Well I have decided to sit at home again, just concentrating on breathing for now, then maybe incorporate some more exercises later.  I have always made meditation so difficult, as if I had to do it perfectly.  Truly if I can center myself for just a bit, then I'm happy.  I am not interested in going back to that class, I'm telling you it was rigorous!
  I'm so excited, I am trying to copy Trader Joe's long sliced bananas that they dehydrate halfway or so, they aren't crunchy, they are chewy and so good!  Oh and about the wheatgrass it truly is an amazing food, other sprouted grasses are as well I think.  I got into it years ago, then forgot about it...now I'll be a grower :)
  Life is good, I'm back in my natural groove so to speak, well not entirely, I do have chemo tomorrow, but it will be ok.  #4
P.S. I don't believe in dieting (an occasional detox perhaps) I do however believe in changing your way of eating in a realistic way for the better.  Also it doesn't have to all happen over night, at least that's my way of thinking.  I don't know why I wrote that in bold print.


Friday, November 4, 2011

11/4/11

  I had a really nice time with my dad while he was up from Cali.  We spent time with the rest of my family and whatnot.  As far as my cancer goes, my favorite oncologist is very pleased. I am healthy at this point, just anemic. For this I am glad, I have a cat scan on the 21st to make sure this chemo mix is working.  It definitely seems to be.  The Oncologist said if it wasn't, that my veins would suppress or do something and cause my head to swell up.  I mean really swell up.  It sounded nuts.  I have also learned that anytime they get next to my teletubby port, to put something in my mouth that tastes good.  They flush it, and the fumes go into my mouth. And the last nurse was stabby.  Needle hurt in and out.
  So I am moving chemo to Tuesdays, every other week still.  Tonight I went through the process of washing the wigs, which I should have done sooner, but since I had two it wasn't that big of a deal.  Kind of an odd feeling washing your hair in front of you.  Things aren't as traumatizing as I would have thought.
  I have to stop eating so much, that's not a good thing, I'm like straight off the farm healthy.  All in all I have to let go of most things superficial.  Which is a hard lesson.  They put steroids in the chemo, and she cut back on them, but I couldn't figure out why I was starving all the time.  Anyway, I will do what I can about it and not obsess, ok, maybe I will obsess a bit.  I am going to try and run some on my treadmill, and take it as it comes.  For all those people that every hated me, their dreams are coming true right about now....well unless they wished me dead, because I'm still kicking!
  I am grateful for the time I spend with people.  You know it's bizarre, there are these weird stats, that survivors at a certain stage live an average of five years after that and other stages like ten years after whatever stage they survive from. Then beyond that oh shoot I am confused right now, they die of something non related perhaps?  I may have written this before, but it is so bizarre, stats like this, and I really think I must be misunderstanding something, not to mention I can't buy into that stuff.....you know, I won't be buying into statistics, HA! maybe I am reading it wrong....who cares, who knows....
  I do know this, I am enjoying my family and my friends~ Those stats, just bother me, because would anyone in their right mind, fight for an extra five years on average? Perhaps I would, it is five years of life, but this journey takes a toll, and though a lot is gained in ways, it's hard on a person I think, ten yes most likely worth a college try ;)  Most people and even likely medical professionals would say, don't pay attention to that stuff.....I think....
  I like this quote from the silly but cute movie "Little Black Book" that Brittany Murphy said (when still alive).  I can so relate throughout my life...


  How does a girl who falls...
No, actually, she jumps...
                   
... eyes open, down a rabbit hole,
plummeting into chaos...
                 
... come out the other end
unchanged?
                  
The answer?
                   
She doesn't.



Tuesday, November 1, 2011

11/1/11

  Halloween came and went! I had a great time with one of my close friends.  We ate a ton of chocolate, also spent time going thrift store shopping.  Tomorrow is Wednesday, again!  So from tomorrow I have just one week until Chemo.  I will get a blood draw tomorrow to make sure everything is up to par.
   Colds and the flu, everyone and there dog is sick it seems.  I have to squirt that nasty germ killer gel on everyone it seems.  It's not called that nasty germ killer gel, but it may as well be.  Today I got so tired, that I drank an energy drink from the health food store.  It comes in waves, where I can feel just about wiped out. I don't want to get into the energy drink habit, but these were extra special healthy ones.  It did give me the boost.  The pain patch I have taken off, and I feel achy slightly.
  My dad is coming from SoCal tomorrow!  I am excited to see him, I think it will be a great time.  I hope my energy stays up.  I thought of buying a case of energy drinks to have on hand, but that's not my style.
 Though too much coffee also isn't good, actually no coffee I believe is what is recommended.  Yeah right!!!
  Akward moments: I ran into this guy I haven't seen in years, and naturally I felt he could tell I had a wig on, though everyone that comments thinks the short one is my hair cut short.  Anyway I saw him once, said hi, then was acting like a dork by merchandise as well as next to my friend, dancing to the cheezy music, and then he addressed me again after walking up behind me, I don't know why but the whole exchange made me feel silly.
  Here's another one:  This woman asked me how I got my hair so shiny, and even though I know of a ton of products that will get your hair to that high of a shine, I just stood there and stared at her for like 40 seconds, then told her it was a wig.  My friend bumped me, like just tell her (I think that's what the bump was for) and that wasn't so bad, telling her.  Then after that I told her of high gloss sprays, uh, I could have done that in the first place, lol.
  And this was funny my friend and I had been to a place where the people all bust out and line dance, which so isn't my thing, but while we were in the back shopping this country music came on and we started the dancing after I mentioned the line dance style, and sure enough around the corner came this hot guy who started laughing...it was funny considering I have no idea how to dance like that, and the fact we were doing it in the store....for all of you that don't know (I'm a goof!)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Resting

All in all this third treatment went pretty well.  I still have a few days of likely not feeling tip top, but the pain patch has seemed to work out well, and though I have had nausea it's been bearable.  I have taken naps the last couple days and am feeling pretty tired right now.  The most I'd feel in the next few days would be the above mentioned symptoms, but I am hoping not.
  I just read this written by Steve Job's sister, it's a very nice eulogy.. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/30/opinion/mona-simpsons-eulogy-for-steve-jobs.html?_r=2&pagewanted=all   I thought I would add it in here because Steve had cancer, and I really liked the end of it, his last words..... I don't know a whole lot about him, but have been hearing more lately, he contributed a ton to Apple, anyway I just found it on google+, the link...

  Anyway, it was a nice weekend with friends and family~ I am in reading, snuggling down mode right about now.

 I am happy because I gave this link to someone who also has cancer and that person has been able to skim through this blog.  :)

Friday, October 28, 2011

~And then I realized I should be dead by now~ an eery feeling

  I can't quite wrap my mind around it, but right about now had I not gone into the hospital with my flu symptoms or whatever they were I'd likely be dead.  I find this really disturbing.  I figured out the timeline, and with the amount of treatments I have had that's just about right.  And the way my lungs were and heart surrounded by fluid, I have no doubt this is the case.  Not one of those you have six months to live and the person lives two years or whatever.  I was definitely on my way out.  I have said to people that it's like I slid into home base just barely without being taken out.
   Anyway I find it an eery feeling, almost unbelievable, scary, Halloweeny, lol.....All this struck me as I was watching doctor shows last night.  Now is not the time to watch that stuff, one show hit on so many things I could relate to in a way that it was a bit much.
  Where am I now?  Earth, alive, doing treatments, somewhat fatigued after chemo, etc, waiting for the aches to kick in.  I am ok.  NOW.  Why is it that sometimes being in the now can be so freaking hard.  Spiritual masters have written a ton on such a simple concept.  NOW, I will shake this weird feeling, of how I could be dead right now, it's like some weird other simultaneous existence going on ......that's hopefully not!  Ok it's going to be a great day!!!!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

~Beauty in Living in Love~

  Overall a long day.  First on Wednesdays I go in for a blood draw out of my teletubby port, and every other Wednesday have the chemo which was today.  I also speak with one of my oncologists each week. We go over the same sheet of paper that lists any changes I may be having in different parts of my body. Same sheet every week.  And we also go over my lab work, see what's going on with cells, I was all good, maybe looking a little anemic, but if a number slightly drops, it's not a biggie.  Ok, if I have said all this before, that's the last time on that, lol.....
  I also had prepared to talk to her about my theory on pain, and fortunately had the opportunity to talk thoroughly to a nurse about it.  Basically stating my dosage had to increase and a few pills added because my pain was lasting longer.  My oncologist came in with a prescription for patches and permission if I needed to, take a couple pills max.  The patch lasts a few days, and I asked her why she didn't just increase the dosage of the pills and I would take a limited amount.  She explained it was a low dosage, the patch and that we'd try it out. That it sustains at a level without fluctuating as much as with taking the pain med.  She also expressed her concern in a way that felt good all the way around and made sense, she genuinely doesn't want to create another issue for me while saving me from cancer.  Frankly, I'm not interested in getting an opiate addiction, so I would have to concur with her, and I just don't want break through pain, and I want to be able to sleep during the night of those days.  Though pills weren't "my thing" addictive drugs often become an issue for anyone, because they are addictive.  All that aside, I don't want to be feeling crappy like that 3+ days.....so it looks like we are moving towards a solution there.
   I have been researching toy dogs, which is funny because I use to think they were kind of ridiculous stuffed inside of purses.  I have done this before, think I really want one and then change my mind.  It is the last thing I need right now, yet seems appealing.  I could put it in my purse and take it to chemo and it could chill for close to three hours, but they all bark!  Barking drives me crazy....I would have to train it...maybe with a citronella dog collar, likely they aren't that small, the collars, and also highly likely the dog would take a duker in my purse.....
  Anyway after the blood draw, and the Dr. visit, I waited upstairs, they have to mix the bags of chemo while you wait, each time I learn something new, usually thinking I don't want to while turning my head away.  She has to plunge with a syringe thing some of the medicines, to make sure there is a blood return (everything is flowing right).      The port it goes into, is up by my shoulder, on my chest, which is great, so I don't have to see it.  I learned a lot of tidbits.
  I love it in there, there is an older woman with an English accent and she's great, she works there.  A great woman and I love talking to her...

Freewrite (they often make no sense)
A disabled woman yells, "I took them back," she herself has traded in movies and books for credit, bought the next book in the series, walks outside, the woman is convinced she returned the movie, the girl walks over to her and gives her a movie, the other woman looking at it, she is now more quiet, later the girl is talking about something, or thinking of something that will happen to relate to the next moment she will encounter, she steps on the elevator with a girl, with a a covered baby carrier, an older woman asks the girl to see, she now has to see as well, in her mind, her defenses jump up, she thinks to herself, nothing I can't live without,  but she knows she hasn't convinced herself, the timing of such things, she will hold herself together, later she thinks to herself, though many have problems, there are many contending to parenting, the hardships and joys of family life, she has to have faith that beauty in living in love will not only cross her path one day, but that it will decide to stay with her for awhile

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

~Count Down~



  I had to make sure today was a good day!  Now I appreciate the days I feel well and want to make the most of them generally speaking.  I wish I had thought like that more often before.  Anyway today was gorgeous! These are pictures from today.  I went on a great walk and climbed this dirt mound and sat and looked out over the river.  I thought and I thought and I thought, then I got up and went to leave and nearly fell off my little mountain....
   Tomorrow is my treatment day.  I sort of wish they were doing them more often, but my oncologist's know what they are doing, I'm so impatient that I would just poison myself silly and then radiate like it was going out of style.  Naturally I wouldn't do this method in a million years if I didn't have to.  If I had my way I'd work with energy workers, healers, and throw in some eastern medicine and the like, but time was of the essence and I'm grateful I have this going on, even if it's not my first choice.  A girl's got to do what a girl's gotta do~ Hope your day was smashing! :)

Monday, October 24, 2011

Anticipating semimonthly shot and likely amenorrhoea -

  Oh how sweet it is, this life.  It really is.  Anyway I am anticipating the shot I get every 2 weeks, the 2+ hours of chemo and all that isn't so fun, but hey my mom and I watched "Beaches," last time lol.  I haven't done chemo enough to know how to plan my life around it yet, and at a certain point I may be really, fatigued.  Anyway timing when that shot will kick in, what day, I haven't gotten down.  I have no idea how it works, but it's suppose to up white blood cells.  Hopefully the timing gets consistent.  This will be number 3 so maybe I'll begin to learn how this is going to go, nausea, fatigue and aching will perhaps get on a routine of their own.  It's one of my best girl's birthdays this weekend and I want to go play!!!  As well as go to dinner with a friend....I'll wait and see, that's all I can do.  I just had another thought, she said my chemo won't be worse than the first one, that one was bad, sick I was!  Fatigue increases as this goes on. I hope the first style one never happens again.  Also it won't be too long before I get a cat scan to make sure this chemo mix is working, she's pretty sure it is, it has to be doing something or I'd be sick, skip that.
  Ok, so I was leaving my Oncologists office, and talking about the sterility that occurs in about half of women doing chemo. (clarify, some types of chemo)  And she laughingly talks about how I'll be going through menopause, or women do or something. (I titled this with the word amenorrhoea, menopause was a bit much for the title....same thing.)
   I didn't think to much of it, and then thought yesterday, wtf.. was she saying I'm going to literally go through it and then bam that's it.  I told myself I was done with research, but I jumped on the computer for that one.  Seems the medical field doesn't know much, but that you can experience menopause and then be sterile, or many months, (year?) later start ovulating again.  The reading was nearly archaic in my opinion.  Point being it can be permanent or not, and age is a factor, and maybe the type of chemo is too.  I think that's right.....(I put that video below in here, I love this track, but it's not suppose to be there, but at the bottom oh well.....)
  Ridiculous! I read the symptoms for "the change" to refresh my memory.  The good news is I experience most of those symptoms anyway due to pmdd. I know, too much info.  Oh also cycles are affected,  I won't go into all of that....I'll have to rely on hot flashes to know I suppose.  Hmm what I wonder, is if it's not permanent, and I resume my regular patterns, then does that mean I go through menopause twice?  that would be SO not right.........

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Estate Sale

 
I was pondering on how much I love to write and how down the road a blog or two may not relate to my experience with cancer.  Then I realized how it has been, daily it's on my mind, and in some way or another it is interwoven with my experiences, or how I draw interesting parallels from my life to events and/or the lives of others while I carry this big ol' C bag.  I suppose you could say it goes with me everywhere I go, no pun intended.
  One thing about me, is that I love garage sales, and the like.  LOVE THEM.  I am amazing at dickering.  I found an estate sale which I knew would be a jackpot. There would be some little something I couldn't live without.
  Walking into the house, a kind of weird feeling overcame me. A familiar feeling, it's always weird to me to go to a sale where EVERYTHING is for sale, down to even food items.  An estate sale is definitely not always related to a death.  It seemed this one was.
   A fellow shopper, a woman was talking to herself, well it seemed so as I didn't see anyone around.  She was musing aloud saying, "How sad, this is what it comes too."  In my somewhat jaded mind, I thought, what, you collect a bunch of shit and then you die? I still wasn't certain why they were having this sale, but I figured she meant death, though the economy did cross my mind.
  I looked at different things, wondering about the people who had owned the things.  I was moving into emotional territory but not there yet.  I saw this handmade bag and had to get it for my mom, and then wondered if she would even like it. It wasn't necessarily her style.
There was a sweetness to these handmade items I was seeing.  I put the bag back later and then grabbed it again.
  (I have a history with monarch butterflies, well I love their story, and I also have a history with Monarch vodka. (yes, I know top shelf is where it's at)  There's more to all that, years ago I wore a metal butterfly around my neck, in high school in fact a group of us did, they were from a belt that a friend got used and took apart and we wore them.  It was my good luck charm, still have it. (I always write a novel, lol)  Throughout the years people have given me butterflies, all sorts of types, the monarch isn't my favorite look, just story.....anywaaaaaaaay there was a needlepoint tapestry type thing I found that was wicked cool, with a girls name on the bottom, and the words, made at age 11, and the year 1974, etc.  I had to have it.  Then what looked to be copper wound tightly in a shadow box, but perhaps quilled paper.  (very cool)
  I found a couple more handmade items, they were so endearing, made with love.  I am a minimalist, I don't own much, I constantly give things away.  I am only excessive with clothes, and I don't get attached to many things.  This blanket has warmth and color, all these little items drug me into emotional territory.
  I went out to the garage and an older man looking at stuff looked at me and said "Looks like a bunch of junk."  For some reason, I now felt protective of the people that had lived here in a way.  It bothered me he said that. I let it go.  I made a neutral comment- if anything.
  Downstairs there had been photo albums. This particular album caught my eye, bright swirly colors, one of a kind it was, oh but I didn't need it.  I couldn't find a price, I abandoned the idea. It was definitely made in the late seventies.  How do I know this? Dates written inside.  There were also pictures in it and two other albums.  I absolutely could not stand this.  These pictures were private moments.  I made a mental note to tell the woman when I purchased my items.
  When I saw the books, I didn't want to take the time to go through them all.  Books on death caught my eye.  Like taking care of details afterwards I think, that type of stuff.  It was unsettling, it brought to mind, I have cancer, and death had been right at my door, and, and, and I left the books and bought my items. It was too weird to see words on death and rifling through likely someone recently deceased items, after everything of late.  They easily could have been my own, had I not accidentally discovered the fluid around my heart, mass above it, etc...
  I ended up wanting the album, I told her about the pictures, she said the people had just left them.  This struck me as odd, family just leaving pictures?
   Downstairs I grabbed my album, then glanced at the others, I couldn't in good conscious leave those pictures in there.  I started the task of pulling them all out, and a task it was.  I wondered what I'd do with the pictures, throw them away?  Take them?  That didn't feel right. I was quick, it wasn't my place to gawk at them either.  The woman came downstairs, I think I told her there was obviously a death and that I was taking the pictures out. (she probably thought I a little loola)  She was fine with that, telling me how the relatives were there for a few weeks but didn't bother to take them, maybe they had copies she said.  She gave me the priceless album.  The relatives made me a little sad.
   The woman shopper in the beginning had a point, but death though sad, really it's forgetting the memories, the little things, the details, that is what is sad, a stranger discarding all of your private moments for you is disheartening.  I realize people can't keep everything, but leaving family pictures? What's sad is when loved ones likely rake through a house collecting what they think is valuable, and leave the items that so visibly hold all the love.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Julia Roberts style wig pics (think hooker in "Pretty Woman")

Here are a few pics....I'm liking black and white, but I threw a color one in there.  I'm waiting for another wig as well...it's on order.  I love this wig, but it kind of reminds me of Velma from Scooby Doo (If anyone ever calls me that, I will bash your head in) haha SO Kidding (obviously)  Oops, I didn't add any smiley ones.....

I like the look of the wig here, expression is bleh
See me cutting my bday cake on the shelf in a pic? 


This is a smile, semi style :)

Friday, October 21, 2011

~Funny things to do with your head~

  If someone with the same diagnosis actually finds this blog after my pinging & registering in different sections, I will continue to be real about this big C I've got, & I also want to have fun with it in my writing.  So here are some funny things, little stories, I'll post more later....(btw I don't even get pinging really)

Ok, when I was stressing losing my hair, my mom and I sat around and cracked jokes about different things I could do with my head...of course wigs were my plan, but we thought of other funny ideas

1. I thought it would be funny to stick a pom pom on my head and walk around with the handle sticking up.
2. We also thought it would be cool to draw hair on my head with a black marker, like Betty Boop, draw curls around my face with a sharpie, but then I commented on how if I started sweating the ink would run.
3. Remember the lowercase m I got tattooed on the back of my neck? my impulsive first tattoo the first day out of the hospital, I thought I could get I, C, A, tattooed up in a line over my head, the A landing about on my forehead....get it Mica ;)
4. I was thinking of ways I could try and hide and blend in, different outfits or cultural garb, I thought I could dress like a nun with a habit, my mom suggested Amish gear, then I thought I could wear a Burka, but then figured people would think I was a terrorist if I wore a Burka around here. (ugh for ignorance!)  
5. I could dress like a sports buff and wear a helmet, lol
oh my gosh I'm sure there were more, I just can't think right now, but we were laughing....

  This was a crack up, the other day I was on the phone talking to my brother in SoCal, and I looked over and my mom was standing dumbfounded with what looked like the furry lining to a Russian hat in her hand and a plastic sack in the other saying to herself "What's this?"  
I am trying to talk and concentrate while looking at her, as she again says now to me but louder "What is this?"  I realize she has clumps of hair in her hands.  I start laughing as she looks so baffled, (I'm laughing right now thinking of it) and say to her, interrupting my conversation, "That's my hair!" 
   It was so funny, when I had my hair removed (I hate saying shaved, too boyish or something) I ran in and threw it on a chair in the sack and forget about it.  I had only shown her my long ponytail and therefore she thought that was all the hair around.  Anyway it was a riot.....

  Um, I hope something in here made you laugh, and it wasn't all you had to be there stuff.....I do think it would be fun to draw black curls on my head.....turns out I like my head, that was a phew.....I instantly asked my friend if it was abnormal, but nope, just a teeny tiny scar in the front.

Halloween Style Art piece :)


So I haven't done artwork to speak of in a very long time....this was fun, oil pastel, chalk, etc, ....then cut out and placed on something black, I can't think right now, lol....It took me along for the ride.....
  This song I always post, well I use to, I love it!!!!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Me in a wig~

The first picture is a picture from one of the last modeling gigs I did a few months ago.....taken by David Tucker of Imagine Studios
The second is me in a wig!  too crazy huh? Since I do freelance modeling here and there, this is the longest in awhile it's been since I've had my pic taken...I put both up to show anyone I may not know  what I look like overall....(well I guess I don't run around in cocktail dresses, really, like ever, lol.. but still!
Kevin Wynne my friend took it while we were at Sushi......

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Being in Recovery, Cancer and Reality....HA!

  This is a pertinent topic for many battling with cancer who have addiction issues.  Get this, two pain pills for two weeks!...uh yeah, that's not going to work out.  Sure I am a polysubstance abuser, but first and foremost a recovering alcoholic, and overall have been doing exceptional for years.  Polysubstance with some drugs, basically that just meant I rotated those in here and there recreationally....anyway, the point, the point here!
   A few weeks ago I would have been horrified at the idea of getting a biopsy.  Not anymore as they made me VERY comfortable.  In the days I was in the hospital I rolled from one experience to another, literally.  I was very clear that I was in recovery as that's just what you do if you have an addictive nature.  Though I made it clear pills aren't my bag, a non issue. (sure I rotated them here and there back in the day, but eh)
  I did not decline the Dilaudids and Atavan intravenously while there,(not sure if declining was an option,hmmm) I haven't any clear perspective my pain level at the time.  You know the sign in the hospital with the smiley faces, 1-10 I think it is....I can't remember.  I do remember two or three biopsies, the fluid drained off the heart, either the same event or another where I woke up and my throat was cashed because they had to intubate me, blood draws, IVs, cat scans, echocardiograms...blah, blah....there is a reason I'm going through this, lol.....
  All in all I remember bits and pieces, there was a lot of nodding off (and rambling about god knows what through biopsies, I think I was trying to get educated, maybe?  I had no recollection of a close friend visiting except trying to keep track of the coffee she brought as the nurses were hiding it, and I was acting like a brat, I do remember that, to the nurses and doctor's.  At one point I asked them if they all went to the same school of inconsistency.  (this relates to each doctor/etc having a different perspective, and me really just wanting a straight shooter, spare me the Disney version and just everyone get on the same page) oh and there's more, I probably should send a card or something, flowers to the staff.  I wondered at one point if I could get 86ed...my little bed electronic buzzer thing somehow was left on and I could hear the nurses at the desk asking "Is she for real?" ...saying things like that.....I spun out of my room, walked a short distance, and let the whole nurse's station in on that I in fact was for real and could hear all that they were saying....likely an awkward moment for them, not me...not even a little bit.  Now I must say this, clarify if you will, I appreciate them, nurses, and doctors, I really do.  I really dig nurses specialized in a specific field ..... Oh yeah, RECOVERY/ADDICTION/The point again.....
  So anyway after that stay I was trying to remember what my oncologist looked like.  The face that kept coming to mind was the hospital administrator off the show "Nurse Jacki."  Does my oncologist look anything like this woman???...Nope, not really at all.  The lady on the show is likely in her fifties and this woman has to be in her late thirties.  Likely they both just have brown hair.  The woman on the show is even black, so I was way off....and you know why??? Between the pain meds, anti-anxiety and I believe it's sodium pentothal(sp) with another doozy of a drug used for biopsies I was pretty faded for the experience....the WHOLE experience.


Fast forward, I'm in a meeting with this same oncologist, one of two I see.  I am explaining the type of pain I have and when.  There is a shot I receive in my stomach after chemo, the day after (yes, pretty bad ass  I am, I know hehe) anyway it creates flu like symptoms or can.  Anyway she went on a long diatribe about my being in recovery and how what she was saying wasn't personal to ME.  About how I could take two pain pills every two weeks and rely on Aleve and Tylenol the rest of the time.  To me this is a bit ridiculous, and she kept making these statements trying to state it wasn't personal. I wonder did I look like I was frothing at the mouth for her prescription pad.  After about the third, "It's not you," I looked at her and said if I want to relapse I can find drugs,  I was getting annoyed with her how we treat an addict bit.  And the catchphrase of the century, she didn't want to enable me, I respect that (meaning if I chose to relapse or be the one to create it I guess, whatever.  Did she not care while at the hospital I could get meds every so many hours? Had she forgotten that.....? And that they were intravenous...she didn't seem to concerned then.  Or perhaps it was the collective staff.  It's fine with me because I believe I got the medication I needed at the time.


I have taken my whopping couple of pills I'm allotted for the next two weeks and am very conscious about my choices....but what if I wake up tomorrow and feel for another day in a row that I got hit by a truck?   The shot kicked in later, and I'm feeling it, the pain and I'm a bit irked.... She told me she'd be counting my pills... I have NEVER had a doctor tell me that....And what's funny is in the hospital it was such a non issue, I'm glad I was honest, addict or not, I will not suffer needlessly.... Also an entertaining notion to me, does she intuitively know I will hurt for 24 or so hours? One more thing.....I don't even like her weak ineffective pills, I take them and still hurt~  it will pass, and it's not acute and horrible, but it's definitely there.....


Here I have cancer and I have to deal with this, it's almost laughable as I think back on the various doctors I've had to see for other issues...now is the time in my life I've got to have the hard ass...maybe it's a good thing, ugh..... here's a little video from the movie "Requiem for a Dream" speaking of addiction, I love Placebo.....this is active addiction.....I know the propoganda, she can spare me....


On a lighter note, I heard from my friend~ <3 <3 <3

A song.....

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Kids

So I wrote this long blog and it was wiped out...I was surprised I hadn't mentioned sterility, which there is a 50%-60% chance of....I could write about how I've wanted children, on how I've flip flopped on the topic, on how I nearly was a mother once and didn't carry full term, on how I love peeing on ovulation sticks, I could branch off into each diatribe, but really all in all my head is on a shelf at this time on the topic.  I can't stress the unknown, though it bothered me that I hadn't mentioned it, because that truly brings my story up to date....I have often said I feel cosmically ripped off, you'd have to know my life story to understand that one, or at least from my early twenties on, anyway I don't feel that way right now.  It seriously is one thing at a time...I completely have to let go...and being type A this is probably good for me....
  Now that I've started writing, it's falling out of me, the words...I'd like to write about many aspects of my life, I'm sure they will leak out in here, they already have...but primarily this will be cancer focused...body, mind, spirit...this random part I'm suppose to play for awhile, and let me tell you it feels totally random....
   I didn't sleep well last night (don't worry hopefully this blog won't be about details such as my sleeping patterns, etc, eh but we never know with me, I like to ramble) and my body aches, which doesn't really make sense because my cancer is pretty much a painless one...hmmm or not....idk
here's a song I really like that was introduced to me by a meanie, I love the animation, and was drawn to it right before I found out I think....it's pretty~