Friday, February 24, 2012

Detox and a happier day :)

  In this moment I feel better, thank God!!!  I see now that this will be an ongoing process.  I read up on chemo chemicals and they are in your body 6-8 weeks post last chemo treatment.  And I'm sure the affect of the junk lasts even longer.  Since I am not drinking and done with chemo I decided to buy some detox teas.  There are some really high dollar cleanses, but I'm not into it.  Some are good I believe and others gimmicky.
   Anyway, also this is common sense which I read, it's important to drink lots of water and try and make your plates of food look like the color of the rainbow.  This can be difficult at times most definitely, but I'm doing what I can bit by bit.
  I also bought some liquid calcium magnesium so I can hopefully start sleeping better.  That is a product I have sworn by for multiple reasons for some time now.  I feel good about these purchases and didn't spend a ton.  I could have bought independent herb teas that may have packed a different detox punch, but anything I do right now I want to be a gentle approach.
  I also read exercise is good for chemo detox, which I have been doing, though not very hard this week as I've been so tired.  If you have cancer, or are post cancer like me and are reading this, I'd recommend doing your own research of course.  I have to be careful because I can freak myself out, and honestly for me too much information can  get in my head, I don't care for that.
  It feels good to be proactive and do what I can, bit by bit.  Juicing is also really great (recommended), and I have a juicer, but I want to get filters for the inside so it cleans easier.  That may sound so lazy, but it's too tedious to clean.  I still have my Vitamix, and I need to get back into my spinach, etc smoothie habit.  I find I will eat more veggie's if I can drink them.  I did that a lot during chemo, but I'm not sure how much it helps as I believe chemo blows everything good and bad out of it's path.  I probably could have been eating cardboard, and it would have been fine, haha jk...
  Here was some good news, someone that lives nearby with cancer said his is 97% gone!!!  Which is great, he explained the details, and as I parted ways I said I'd pray for him.
  It seems that kind of a lot has happened of late, but I'm doing better today.  I so needed a good day, and am glad I had this one.    :)


Wednesday, February 22, 2012



  I got a phone call from a woman at the cancer center.  A girl I had met before left me a birthday card.  The woman offered to mail it to me, which works great.  I don't really want to go into that office right now. I feel so sad.  I don't like this whole mortal thing. Thinking of people that may not be so lucky. And seriously, my body must be craving the drugs in the chemo, the hormones, whatever, I am so tired and emotional.  I feel like I need to find a detox for myself.
  Speaking of detox I haven't divulged that I have indulged in my addictive drinking patterns.  I hope that has come to an end.  I am taking measures to not live that lifestyle.  I can't go back into all that.  The irony of getting cancer and being so healthy, then picking up habits I previously had is ridiculous.  Habits I had abandoned for quite some time.
  I know that I'm in this emo space, and it will pass.  I keep looking at many other lives and comparing myself to them and that's dangerous territory.  We all have different things to contend with.  My plate has been very full.  Between manic depression, addiction, cancer and other things in life, it's almost laughable.  I am no doubt depressed, hormonal, whatever...
  I realize this will pass.  I really don't feel like talking to that many people.  And it's nothing personal.

There are some things in my life, like all lives that have really hurt.  I feel so exhausted, I tried to lay down with all my clothes on with no plans of falling asleep in hopes that I would.  It didn't work.  That doesn't make sense at all I'm sure.
  I also want my full identity back.  Which is a valuable lesson, my identity is not external. Doing modeling, much of my identity I realize must of been associated with pictures and the like.  Long, blonde hair...
  The human experience has been something else for me.  A lot of wonderful experiences, but some seriously hard shit as well.  I am not alone, many have experienced difficult times.  I suppose it's what I am going to do with it all now that counts.  I don't want to become bitter.  And to be honest there are points I am so bitter when I think about some things.  Talking to God helps, and people close to me.  They understand.
  Art helps, I look at tons of art and photography.  Just zone out....
Also I find it hard the way people treat others, this is a lesson I learned the hard way in my life.  I use to be such a bitch, now I am here and there, but it's not a regular thing I'd say.  A lot of that was likely being wasted and sarcastic.  Again I do still have my moments, I think I'm only cutthroat when I'm hurt.  That's no excuse.  Anyhow, I guess that doesn't relate to cancer, but it bothers me.  I feel like I want to love others and be loved.  If it were only that simple.  I can't be validated through other's thoughts of me.  It's the love for myself that will help me heal inside.  It's funny, many people could love me and I'd focus on the one person that doesn't.  Why is that?
  I know I have to work on some of these emotional and spiritual issues for a few reasons.  And I will because that's what I do.  I constantly think of the Grateful Dead lyric "You find light in the strangest of places if you look at it right," it is so true, there are some friends, that I really don't even want to associate with anymore because of how they were while I went through this.  Then on the bright side so many people were totally there for me, a few of which I wouldn't necessarily have thought.  There in small ways and big ways... I do realize others don't know how to necessarily deal with it, and they have lives of their own.  But in a way, my old self would say, you can fuck straight off...ok my now self, lol.   I won't though, because it wouldn't do any good, and my goal is to rise above in love.... it's difficult.
  Oh that's right I did tell a couple people exactly what I thought.  I remember vaguely being drugged up in the hospital and flipping out on a guy friend over the phone.   Then months later saw him at a coffee shop, he acted so odd that, I grabbed his art pencil off the table and drew a huge x across his picture.  Then walked off with a friend.  Ok and yes, I did go off a bit to a few.  People are surprising, I have found you can be there for them when the chips are down, but this in no way means they will be there for you.  But would I change that characteristic of being there for people?  I don't think so....I'd likely be there again for those same people if they needed me.  Who knows....I'm rambling.....

The song above I love~ <3 <3 <3


Tuesday, February 21, 2012


  I didn't think of after chemo was finished.  Withdrawals of sorts from the steroids and what not they put in there.  For some nights in bed it felt like my feet were achy and restless, it was a weird feeling.  Now I think that my sleep has been affected somewhat.  Everything is just a bit off yet.  I know things will regulate and I can hardly wait until they do.  I'm sure this is worse for others and maybe others don't notice.
  It feels good to be done with it all.  I'm thankful that things have worked out the way they have.  I am blessed.  Not everyone is so lucky.  I ran into someone that I had met through this ordeal, and her trials are much more difficult.  I feel sad for her, and have an empathy I'm not sure I would have cultivated had I not experienced all of this.  There is nothing I can do but be there if she needs me or any help.  I'm kind of scared to get too close to her, but fear will not keep me away.  This is sad to think about, I just wanted to update.  Overall life is good...I just had my birthday yesterday.... wooo hoo!!


Friday, February 10, 2012


  So that port removal didn't hurt besides the shots to numb the area, or that's what I thought, lol.  And those hurt, but I was wrong, I'm not such a trooper.  I seriously have felt like I have a gunshot wound (I don't know what a gunshot wound feels like, but I'm just near positive this is in the semi-ballpark, ...maybe, ) since the shots wore off last night.  That definitely hurts, and is hurting.  I didn't want to misrepresent if someone with cancer reads this and thought it doesn't end up hurting.  I'm not sure if I stretched the area out or something, but it is not comfortable.  So between dealing with a light pain patch that wore off and the port removal last night, I didn't sleep much.  The realization that oh yeah they cut into your skin, that's got to hurt, hit me later than sooner.
   just thought I'd give a little fyi update....whining about that ;)

Thursday, February 9, 2012


  Yay!!! Today I got my teletubby port removed.  They put me to sleep to implant it, but  I was awake for the removal.  They used  a local A.  I can't spell that word right this second and don't care to look it up.  They thought I was a trooper, they are right.  I love the bandage they use that's clear, I thought they painted it on, but I guess not.  I was grumpy at first, hungry and irritated all around.  Then I snapped out of it.  I kept the port, it has a long tube that runs to the heart.  I thought that part was cool.  Otherwise I'm banning cancer items.
   For example, the gum I have chewed when they've cleaned the port, I never want to chew again.  The body wash I have used during this period will always remind me of this time.  So now I'm back to my Elizabeth Arden stuff I love, it must have been hiding some months ago.  I have used gallon buckets of hand sanitizer over the last while, I'm going to ease up on that.  I'm kind of hooked now though, lol.  I am taking a major rest on ginger products.  Though I still love ginger.  Ginger ale, ginger chews, ginger this and ginger that.  I'm done worrying about catching a flippin' cold, or about worrying if my friends and/or their kids are sick.  I only cared so much because I was all about getting the chemo over with.  Only a couple times did I hold up a paper mask to my face.  I'm that social, not much will get in my way.  Thank God I'm doing as well as I am.  I am well now!!!  No more triple shot Americano's either, that was likely a no no, but I had to carry on.
  Oh there is so much I feel will change now.  My hair is growing, has been very slow.  I hope that picks up, but one day I'll have long hair again.  For now, I won't gripe.  Only this single second. :)  I'm totally a wig girl, only a few have seen me without and no one else will.  Not that I can't rock the Demi G.I. Jane look, but I'm a Rapunzel girl.  That's just me.
  My scar a couple inches long has faded, by my collarbone area.  I don't care what it does.  Not far below is a red, tidy gash from today.  Everything else was done with needles, the biopsies.
  Yesterday I met a lady who had seen me before, she wanted to talk.  It felt good to hug her and share my experience.  She was upset, if nothing else I can share my experience, and sometimes it's the littlest things or you'd think are, that scare people the most.  Myself included.

  In three months I have a pet scan to see that all is well.  So yay!!!!  Sorry this is scattered, and poorly written, but you get the jist.... My birthday is in 11 days, I have been joking around saying, "I survived another year."

Feeling more like myself again, ..... <3 <3 <3


Monday, February 6, 2012


  I will have a blood draw on Wednesday.  Last Tuesday I had my last chemo and it left me feeling not so great overall.  I will update this blog as things occur, and likely on my thoughts about this all.  In a few weeks or so I will have another scan.  I don't really care to do this scan, all should be fine.  I currently want them to remove the port, or the teletubby plug as I call it, from near my right shoulder.  I am sure the doctor will want to wait on removing this, but I will insist that it be removed.  It's my body right? right.  Actually I'm not going to even go into the port topic any further.
  Today I feel like I am in a funk.  I believe there is a certain wtf now feeling after going through all that I have been through regarding this topic.  There are ideas I find interesting in life but just not interesting enough right now.  Before all of this, I went through a period of really not wanting to do the whole life thing anymore.  Then I fought for it, no that's not right, I walked through what I had to and here I am now.  Obviously I wanted to live more than another month.
  I am sure my hormones are going crazy.  I find out in a couple months if I am menopausal, lol.  Even with the tests they do though there are no guarantees on the results they give me.  It could take about a year to know about all that.  If I did go through menopause it wasn't so bad.  I had some hot flashes, and yeah that's about it.  I don't really think I went through it.
  I do know this, I would like to get out of here at some point soon.  I'm sure it will happen.  Even if I don't go far I need a break from the scenery here.  I need a month off from doctors.  It was funny they tried to schedule me for more chemo and I looked at the secretary type person and said fuck this, meaning the schedule she handed me.  At that point I hadn't seen the words chemo written in there, once I noticed as I was hooked up to the bags I called to her (she's great btw, I love her) she came over and I held out the schedule and ripped it  a third of the way apart.  I basically told her she could have that part back I wasn't doing it.  She was awesome and laughed and understood.  I had already committed to two extra treatments not four.  Likely it was left in the system.
  Anyway friends have asked about this blog, and I will keep it going.  I'd love to change the title but the ultimate reason for writing is in hopes of helping another or others.  A handful of people in my life have suggested I should write a book.  The ones that know the many facets that make up my life. This blog I haven't applied myself in a literary fashion.  In regards to writing, I don't know about the pieces of my life, they are with everyone I know.  There's no doubt it would be interesting... Anyway I may switch it up and veer from the topic at hand, people can go through the past entries...I don't really know, but I do know this, I hope not to think about this forever.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Mica's mom updating

Hi, this is Mica's mother typing as she is having difficulty using this computer--hers broke and she wants to throw this one out the window.  Anyway, I had my last chemo treatment yesterday.  I am running on about two hours of sleep.  I am going to skip the details for now and write more about it when I get my new laptop.  I feel renewed in the sense that there are some modeling opportunities on the horizon, so I have something to look forward to and this enables me to set some personal goals.  Overall, just checking in.  Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers!

More to come as I fill in the details and follow through with scans, etc.  May you never ever have this experience.  Love you!