Thursday, January 19, 2012


  Ahh I am at peace now.  Too make a long story semi-short, I talked to one of the doctors here in town, where I go.  He feels confident that I'll be fine in doing ten treatments.  I can rest easy now, and stop ping ponging in my mind.  This feels SO GOOD!!!!
   I am excited to move on with my life.  That's it :)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Ping Pong

  Back and forth in my mind I keep going.  That extra four treatments I can't get out of my mind, one of which I have done.  I finally thought just research it, and got the American Cancer Society on the phone. They will look up stats.  I really feel it's unnecessary to dump more toxins in my body after doing two extra treatments, yet I doubt myself.  I pulled out all my paperwork, calendars and whatnot what one of my practitioners had written first.  I'm bringing it all in next week, and saying, see this is what you said here if the pet scan was arrow was drawn to radiation.  Well they don't want to radiate, but I'd rather radiate a few weeks, then go on and on about this chemo crap.  The radiologist seemed to think two extra would be fine.  I am so sick of being an obsessive individual.
  I think about God's role in it all, and then I think have faith, then I flip too the idea that man has tapped into science for a reason.  I'm sorry but a doctor has to say more than we don't know why they like to do four extra on top of your best scan.  Now the A.C.S. can research it and get back to me.  My doctor is excellent, and definitely a chemo pusher.
  Decision making is for the birds!  Anyway, so far this round of chemo isn't horrid, though I've experienced more nausea.  Mild sort of on going throughout today.  Eating helps.  And the first night I was wired for sound, up until like five.  And I'm so hoping the achy stuff that comes in a few days is mild....
   Soon this will all be over.  I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I seriously can't believe it was caught in time in a way.  That's a trip.  I should have known something was up since I wanted to sleep all the time.  Towards the end, before I found out.  Then the achy stuff, I thought was workout (when I was still) related, even went once to the doc, I thought I had hurt myself...oh and then my friend I got a couple massages from her from being sore... and I guess I was getting winded...and depressed.  LMAO....ok so maybe a few signs, a couple flu's it seemed like, etc...etc....and a cough as well.  Weird in one of the pics my trachea was totally pushed over....but I am still breathing today!
  I just reread the part about God's role in this, likely I could do a hundred more treatments or next to none...and it would all be whatever's in God's plan...For the record, though I hate chemo, it has saved my life, the way I don't go crazy with all that is denial, and I don't research it and the side effects..I know the major ones, but for some reason all seems well.  :)


Monday, January 16, 2012

#9 .....

 Ok, so today I talked on my phone nearly the whole time I was in chemo.  I even went as far as too write my name and birth date down for the nurses on an old receipt after the first time of having to say it which they have to do, but it interrupted the flow of my chat).  They do it every time, for every bag, likely for security reasons, but every time I am the same person with the same birth date.  I truly did not want to be there, so I just called people and chatted away.  I was in a room I could shut the slider and be in a phone frenzy, chemo bubble.
   Earlier in the waiting room downstairs (btw I just found the stairs so I don't have to use the janky elevator anymore between two floors) this two time cancer survivor really wanted me to do all four treatments.  I pretty much told her I'd take it into consideration, and said that yes, I would pray about it...
  So skip all the hellos and this and that, after I was off the phone call I was on, or one of them  the radiologist had come upstairs to see me.  I basically think he said no radiation.  I was so sort of surprised at one point, because he started talking about my pictures I think, or what was it, my brain is chemofried at the moment.  I said, did you google me?  He had, which was fine, reason being he asked what I do and just brushed him off in the conversation by saying in the past I'd been a student and had done some free lance modeling.  Then we started about other things, he asked about a certain place I hadn't heard of in a blog.  It seemed he thought he had been reading my blog.  Nope, it wasn't me....
  So in a couple weeks, the 31st if all goes well, I will be doing number 10.  Speaking of modeling, I got contacted yesterday by someone for what looked like a fun shoot, and a good tog (photographer) alas, I won't be doing that....
  Another one, I know (I never mention names in this blog) has some good work I would like to shoot with as well.  We shall see when.
  I think it will take a couple months to get my body back to where I want it.  So much is about the angles when it comes to my concerns and lighting..ok, skip all that....I don't look that different, I'm neurotic...
  As far as cancer goes, it's gone, and I'm insuring it will stay gone with two not four chemo treatments, they told me they haven't any scientific reason for picking four in the first place....
  So the nasty tummy shot in the morning, it's not so bad, it's always on the side of the stomach, I can feel it go in.  I also can taste saline when they flush that port.  Gum is always in my mouth.

 oooh I think everyone should read this book I read yesterday by Mother Teresa "No Greater Love," very fast read, and so important I believe no matter what your faith or belief system.  Amazing!  My friend she (you) know who you are, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Too confusing to read~ 2 more Chemo's I'll do, then likely no radiation,idk

Holy shit I just read this, and save yourself some sanity and skip it...the title says enough, lol...UGH

Where to start...since every patient with cancer gets different news, and I'm still a bit confused, I'll just lay out my little decision.  My cancer is gone, and I believe they believed that something would show up on the scan and I'd have to do some more chemo.  And even if a scan is clear they have you do four more for extra protection.
  I talked to the radiologist and well he needs to talk to his partner to see if it's worth doing, as there is nothing to pin point and radiate.  The plus about chemo is it hits all parts of your body.  Of course there are all the negatives.  I totally played every card I had to get radiation and not do anymore chemo... well if I do four more chemo sessions then I wouldn't have to do radiation, which I pretty much knew.  Long story short he didn't even know if they would do the areas the cancer had been before, he would need to discuss it with that other person, and me being neurotic felt that I should go with two more chemo sessions and not four.
   Four is excessive.  I am cancer free as it stands, two more is good insurance, not to mention they will do scans probably for the next five years to see if I'm still cancer free.  Pet scans are great, but they can't pick up a teeny tiny cancer cell if it's developing.....just to let you in why I'm having to figure any of this out at all.....
   The conversation with the oncologist ended up going well, and I'll hold back anything negative I may want to say, I know with my attitude in the beginning she didn't think I would do much chemo at all.  So her intentions were sound...enough said on that one. Here's the rub, when it comes to making decisions I can get very stuck, I can take a great deal of time picking a dark chocolate bar, or whatever.  These life decisions cause me and likely many people a lot of stress.  This afternoon I realized I couldn't sit here without a plan, and wait til sometime next week to have one.  I thought ok, if they can get me in at the beginning of the week, then I'm in.  Two more I'll do.  It was a coin toss.  If they couldn't I thought maybe I'd go the radiologist route.
   I pick up the phone, after I had tried to find someone, an expert type support line, for someone to talk to, like a 1-800 number.  No go on a couple of those.  Then I thought I will call my shrink, see if I can squeeze in somewhere.  Too late in the day for that.  Oh yes, I'm obsessive, ocd, which means many things in my world.  Unfortunately it doesn't mean that my clothes have to be neatly placed, or my floor scrubbed clean to the point you could eat steak off of it, nope, in other ways....It applies here because I knew I would obsess about this for days.  I needed a plan, a concrete this is what I'm doing plan.
   I called the cancer center, they sent me to voicemail which would get back to me before five.  Then I called back, the doctor had gone home for the day.  I may have told the lady that I wanted to change my mind on the message about chemo since it wasn't set, and I'd wait for the radiologist, instead I started rambling, crying about it all, ending the message with the words spoken quite loudly, "I'm freaking out".
   I got a phone call back from a lady I love who works closely with the doctor and everyone doing scheduling and what not.  I was bawling, and told her my predicament, she was so kind, I asked if I could get in Monday for chemo.  That I was due.  She felt concerned because I was so upset, so I calmed myself and said that the doctor would be good with it, she just wanted me to do more chemo.
 She checked on it, and I'm scheduled for Monday morning.  Then in two weeks my last chemo.  I highly doubt they will want me to do radiation.  Also I need to mention I am aware there are side effects with radiation.  The good news about having small breasts is it likely wouldn't affect them as far as far as cancer occurring in the future which can be an issue because of where the radiation would be pointed.  It would be pointed in the area between my breasts where inside my body I had a tumor at least the size of both of my fists put together.... (I know that because I asked the radiologist when we looked at scans today :)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

This is the longest life I have ever known...

                     Note..if this sounds that I am not grateful that the cancer is gone that is not the case, you see I knew the cancer would go all along, I've just been buying time, and doing what I'm suppose too.  I felt I had already won this battle upon finding out, I just would have to walk the journey...sound confusing? between stats and knowing I guess, it's not confusing to me..                                   

   Last night I couldn't sleep.  Aches and pains and I suppose apprehension.  This morning I chugged water, before the scan.  Upon arriving with my mother at the office I got sick.  I nearly thought I was going to have to grab a trash can, but I made it to the bathroom.  Anyway, the empty stomach the water, and maybe nerves.  At that point I didn't feel too nervous though so I'm not sure exactly.
  I then was taken to the weird truck like thing, and they gave me the glucose shot.  I waited forty minutes, not feeling so great, it's a small room.  A bit claustro, etc, etc.  Then it was pet scan time, I layed perfectly still having to pee, but I opted not to after talking to the tech and knowing I'd have to walk back a ways.  Anyway, the scan takes around fifteen minutes, I was very still, just thinking and thinking and thinking...The glucose attaches to the sugar I think and causes cancer to light up if it's present.
  Fast forward through all that, my mom and I were waiting at my house today for the phone call.  So get this nonsense, a nurse calls and I give the phone to my mom, she had told me the scan was clear, but I wanted my mom to talk to her too, I was emotional, and needed her to confirm the news, so the nurse says I'm clear to go on to radiation..
  I am crying, grateful, no more chemo, and I  go into the bathroom, whatever, and come out and my celly is ringing again and my mom answers it.  I knew they were calling back.  They sure were, they were calling back to say under the "Best Practice" dealio (some doctor thing or some shit)  that I need to do 4 more chemo's.  This had never been brought to our attention.  So this is the deal, my scans came up clear, but they want to be extra extra sure that I'm in the clear.  The scan was clear and they want to do radiation anyway, which was the extra sure procedure they had told me about before. This was the extra precaution I thought, after a clear scan. The radiation is suppose to sweep up anything that maybe wasn't seen, or whatever.  So in my mind why this now? Why more chemo? oh yeah because of the "Best Practice" act or whatever that they never told us about.
   Anyway, I have been on an emotional roller coaster.  I do not wish to do 4 more chemo treatments, I will do the radiation as stated.  I have to talk to them on Friday.  Or the actual doctor.
  Yes, I should be jumping up and down for joy because nothing came up on the scan.  And that is super great, but I don't want to do more chemo.  I am sure if your reading this you get that by now.
  More than anything (ok not more than anything), I want everyone to shut their mouth (no one's opened it yet) and let me make my own choice.  I don't want to hear, oh just do four more.  Or this or that.  I know most people mean well, but they can save it.  I am going through this.  And my logic says, hey the scan is clear lets do the radiation and call it good.  All of this crap has gone against the grain of me, but I've done it.  I swear some people would swim in a pool of drano if a doctor told them too.  I sort of feel like one of those people at this point.  It's so weird, that all of a sudden they drop this on me.  I really don't believe they lied to me, it's as if some guidelines were changed very recently.  Whatever the hell the situation is, I want to make a choice and feel comfortable with it...
  We were very clear with our communication about if this scan was clear, then on to radiation.  Talk about bizarre.
  Maybe I'll say something, like I know intuitively that I'm not sterile yet from the chemo and I strongly feel that more chemo will reek havoc on my uterus, ovaries, etc.  That's the messed up thing, I feel like I have to build a case against the doctor, and it's my life.  At this point I don't even know if I want to have kids, but that sounds good.  "Hey it's not your fertility we are messing with, it's not your body!"  Or maybe I'll look at her dead in the eye and say "I'd rather go swimming in a pool of drano".  That be random and weird....oh I'm emotionally spent, my back feels like it's in knots, and the title of this entry came into my mind earlier, and I don't know why, but it feels so.  This is the longest life I have ever known.

Monday, January 9, 2012


  Alrighty...tomorrow I will be preparing for the pet scan the following day.  No carbs, lots of water, blah, blah and blah.  After a grip of days of being wiped out and zoning on netflix, I think I'm back in action.  A few good friends came over at different times today. My mom has been over, she's been so much help, a constant, I am definitely blessed!  One friend just stopped over early today which was great as I had to run to my room and get dressed.  (I'm really into yoga pants and the like this week).  Getting officially dressed does wonders I have found.  Years ago I had a boyfriend and we would laugh at people that would be out in pajama bottoms.  Not so much in a cruel way, but well, anyway now I have an appreciation for those people, except I generally try and make it look like planned lazy attire. (workout sweat type stuff, not pajama bottoms with snowflakes or anything) Back to the point, between spending time with my mom and a few friends today, and feeling better, well it was a very nice day.
  And the days before?  I'm not quite sure what those were. I don't think I've ever zoned on t.v. quite like that before.  Episodes of this, episodes of that, foreign films, films from the U.S. on and on, oh and of course sleep was thrown in there.
  I have told myself I will have acceptance around whatever happens.  I do know my nature and I'm afraid I'm bullshitting myself.  You know what? It sounds good.... :)  Oh I suppose I have gone out a little bit, but not so much the last grip of days.  The last week had it's rough points, I think I just had to take time for me and go through what I had to go through.  Naturally I don't know what's next, but I do feel in this moment a bit stronger to actually move forward.  For now there really is nothing more I wish to say except thanks again for all the love! <3 <3 <3

Thursday, January 5, 2012

"...if she breaks she won't even know it.."

  Post cry....well I probably am not done.  I just realized that I am pretty much terrified.  I remember the night I came back from the hospital and knew there was something, a mass over my heart, lung area.  All night I was up.  I use to do drugs back in the 60's (sounds good, just flip the 6..and yeah whatever) anyway all night it reminded me of a bad acid trip.  I didn't want something foreign inside of me, I knew something was wrong, it was terrible.  And I use to model, and I loved it, just freelance stuff, had some opps with agencies, a decent one in Portland some years ago.  So many things have come my way, but I'm not the mentally stablest tool in the shed when it comes down to it. I passed many of that type of thing up. Those who know, know (loola I am) I just scaled my modeling gigs down, and had a great time.  Minutes ago, it was like that acid feeling, where the hell is my hair.  I want my hair back, this makes me so sad right now, and I know it's dumb in ways.  I am tired of wearing doll hair, sometimes I'll be out and all of a sudden I will feel really obscure.... And it's been hard of late, because throughout all this, there has been a handful of modeling jobs offered, and even some movie casting call thing or two.  There's been a handful of those throughout the years, little independent films... As a very young person that was my dream to act, but when I modeled it was like a moment held forever in time.  And people have so many creative, amazing ideas.... and why am I going off about this... apparently I would like to shoot....ha!
   Anyway, the point really underneath all this, is that I am so scared about this scan in a week.  And it's the day after chemo, I feel like shit right about now.  I am so exhausted, and I've done nothing, I watched several episodes of some show and just tuned out.
  While I was lying in my bed, I thought of how what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger, yet we are all just going to die anyway.  So what? I'll be extra strong by the time I croak.  Give me a break.  It's all really crashing down on me.  I can't handle too much stress, I am not interested in going to the nutty this girl I know use to call it.  Also how much do I have to suffer? How much does one have too? Have I filled my quota in this life?.... This is likely too much info, but who cares.  I look at some people I know and there lives seem to have had little bumps, and I know that comparing is ridiculous.
  Anyway thank God, for the great people in my life.  And most of all I have to thank God for my mother, my amazing mom.  I called her, and she is truly a wonderful, amazing, enlightened being.  I love all my family, and my friends.  Many of my friends, well they are all great.  I don't think they know what this is like, how can anyone else unless they are going through it.  Plus, I think often I carry it all well.  But right now I am scared, but what do you do, call everyone you know and tell them how scared you are? It makes me smile, even as my eyes are still wet.   I will write instead.  This next week will truly be about mindfully living in the moment.  I did start to get pissed about how people can be, then a bit later, I realized just how many people are praying for me, and that means a lot to me.  Truly it does.  Even people at a point, maybe even still, in South America are or were praying for me.
  The true problem is that I have done 8 of these treatments and I don't want to do any more.  And I'm in the future instead of right here, right now.  And it could be great news next week.....I swear to you know who, that having headcase issues and dealing with this right now is not feeling like a good mixture. (though maybe this isn't related, duh I am fighting cancer, who wouldn't freak from time to time) I'm amazed I've coped up to this point, that nutty bin comment wasn't just said in jest.....
  I am looking at this card, on the front is a mannequin, it's from a small fashion show I did years ago. Did a few of those throughout history. Right now I wish I was that mannequin, frozen, she will never age you know? She won't go crazy, she won't have addiction problems, she won't get cancer, nor any other ailments, and best of all if she breaks she won't even know it.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


  Today was an emotional day.  Wow, I think I had a few crying jags.  Chemo went alright until I got all emotional.  I think I crashed off my Starbucks or something, I was only hooked up to a not serious drug I think at that point, so it wasn't from that... I started going off to my mom and the nurse about the reasons I didn't want to do more of those treatments if the scan didn't come up clear.  I love my nurse lady, but all her valid points in the world could make hardly any difference to me.  So I sat there, in my latest wig, which by the way makes me feel like one of the Judd's. Both brownish ones are sort of country style to me, lol.  Something about that color...anyway back to my whining....I started to cry.  I so want things to just flow smoothly, and it's getting closer, and I'm not feeling to enthused.  I don't think it was too long I let the tears flow, but I found myself begging God/Universe right about then.  I don't like to beg God, and/or bargain.  I've done my fair share likely.  There is something so not authentic perhaps when I go down that route.  But today I did a bit of begging as I sat in that chair.  And all that healing poison dripped on down into my veins, I kept my head turned most of the time.
   Also my cell counts are dropping, but they were ok enough to do chemo today...which was ideal.  I'm blessed so many times over and I know that.... but I feel emotionally tapped.  I want to arrange the whole show regarding this in life, and I know that God holds the greater picture.  I need to keep my spiritual focus, there have been times I have gotten so angry at god in my life.  Not really with this, but there is this part of me, that wants to say, you love us all, so you love me, prove it now!!!   Which is ridiculous....I am one of the universe's largest brats, just bratty, yet I do strive to be a better person.  And prattling on about just that....I think all the stuff in the chemo must make me emotional at times, or maybe it's just stress.
  On a positive note, this blog has had a great deal of readers.  So that's good news, it's only been up three months, and the numbers look good.  You'd think I was putting money on stocks or what the heck they really do... and my mom is going to show me how to add meta tags so that it comes up in searches, the ultimate goal, is if someone has this type of experience, and is going wtf, they can stumble across it, much how I have other blogs on the topic.  Hodgkin's Lymphoma is kind of obscure nationally, not a very high percentage in the scheme of things that get it, if I've done my research correctly.  And forever and ever, I will never forget how crazy it is to be told you only have a month to live, that you'll drown basically if you don't get on treatment.  And here I am.....feeling sad, but still breathing...... I told myself I wouldn't write when to tired, but I don't think I've complained ALL that much on here, and it's important I believe to be real... which I have been, but I also didn't want to be dramatic, which I can be prone to be.  Trying to keep it on the level... oh yes, I'm a dramatic sort, but maybe not quite like your thinking..... I like to say, to breathe is drama.... (least in my world ;)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

"Deep Like That"

  2012.  Here we are...chemo is back day after tomorrow.  Two weeks flies in my world. So anyone reading, I really could use all your vibes and/or prayers.  healing light, good juju, you get it.  After this round I have a scan to see if it's all gone...I have already stated this, but it's not that many days away now.  January 11, 2012.  I don't know if I've been scared or not.  Quite likely yes, I don't want this process to drag on and on.  It is not in my control entirely.  Positive thinking, visualization all of that is good, but how good is it when inside I feel as if I'm faltering and doubtful in ways about this test?
  On an up note, I feel like I've risen to the challenge of all this bullshit.  And yes, it's an amazing learning experience or a learning experience, but it is a whole lot of bullshit.  I've done the wig thing, and proven I'm not a total vain being in ways.  I've eaten the nausea away.  I've dealt with pain.. this that and the rest.  Hot flashes...blah, blah, and blah...
  For some reason in a way I feel if I didn't get the lesson in all of this well enough then it will go on.  Many would be of the school of thought that it's not deep like that.  I'm not so sure most life experiences aren't "deep" like that.
Naturally I don't know who the anonymous people who comment are, but thank you for your words and support as well as my friends that have posted on here.... and everyone who reads!!! thank you