Wednesday, November 30, 2011


  I am starting to feel a bit better.  Of late I have wanted to change the heading of this blog, the title, Cancer Chapter.  Though I talk about that part of my life here, it really is just a part of my life.  I recently tried to figure out what the percentage would be, but I can't really do that, because some things aren't black and white.  The things I have learned aside from all this, maybe wouldn't have been learned had I not had to deal with this.  It is in fact just a chapter though.
   I see these older people for the most part at the cancer center.  It's such a trip that I am there.  There are oodles of youngish/young people dealing with cancer, but not as many as there are old.  At least I am mainly seeing older people.  Of course, half the time I feel about 17, I'm not exactly a youngin'.
  I dialed a wrong number not long ago, to talk about an appointment at the cancer center and oddly enough I dialed an old friends number, and rattled on about my mistake on her machine, anyway she called today....I love it when different events happen that tie us all together more closely.  (By the way, I don't live in a city of like 500 or anything so that is quite odd to happen).
  I never knew I was sick, and the oncologist has said at times, you will start to feel better, but I didn't feel bad physically when I was "sick".  Very tired this summer, mostly I was depressed, I had such horrible spells of that, but I blamed it on hormones, I haven't felt as horrid since that mass has shrunk above my heart, I have to believe they are tied together.  I had in years past experienced these wild manics primarily, and then like I said had icky depressions this summer.  I had had them before in my life, but ugh, it was horrid.  Now if I feel like I'm getting down I know it will pass.
  In January that should be my last treatment, then on to radiation.  I am not one to count my chickens before they hatch, but I truly hope this is all gone.
  Oh, switching to the topic of wheat grass.... great concept, but I am fucking over wheat grass...  all around for what you yield it's a pain in the ass, it's great for you, blah, cat knocked over a whole tray and I thought I was going to go postal.  I am slightly anemic, borderline anemia, most of the time and I think wheat grass is suppose to help with all that, but I really could careless at this point.  My mom has been awesome in every way and she is still into me drinking it and I will, but it takes half a tray to squeeze out not all that much....I just threw some in the Vita Mix instead of the juicer to yield ALL benefits.  Anyway, it's great for you, but a pain in the ass if you ask me.  (yes, yes, it's amazing for people I know)

  There is a lot I could write, but instead I'll leave this prayer by Mother Theresa... the last line has helped me tremendously, it was odd, months ago I found one copy I had of it, then within about a day or so found another copy, whatever amount of time is was very short.....

The Final Analysis

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.
Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.
Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

~ Mother Teresa

Monday, November 28, 2011

Pre Thanksgiving Pic

This pic is from the other night, I thought I would post it, as far as today goes, I'm not feeling so great, lots of sleeping, and somewhat sick.  Have a happy week everyone....  :)

Saturday, November 26, 2011


  This treatment has been a bit tiring, maybe more so than usual, I'm not sure.  I am looking forward to getting further away from this last round, I should feel more on top of it by Monday likely.  I tried to go shopping a couple days ago and started having these horrible hot flashes, then thought they were going to graduate into a panic attack.  Needless to say my purchase was more of an impulse purchase, with me not thinking straight.  Hot flashes likely due to the chemo messing with my hormones..
  Anyway I did have a great time going out with friends the other night.  I was so tired that I went to the last resort of an energy drink, not so good.  It was nice to see friends, and catch up.  At one of my old favorite bars, and I have to ask myself why it's a fave, I will always ask myself why on those bars, but they will likely always hold a special place in my heart.   (cheezy but true)
  I will be glad when this cancer chapter is done in my life.  Of late it has left me feeling vulnerable, which also could be the chemo in my system.  Staying positive is not always easy, but over all it's the way to be.  I have slept for like 12 hour increments.  A wee bit on the lazy side, I can't wait until I look back on all of this in my life (when it's OVER)...and I have a very strong feeling that's how it will work out, this was my journey I had to experience, and then I feel it will be over.  And all those that believe that an event like cancer does change you, I believe that they might be right.  Now I'm not saying, it changes me from sinner to saint, haha, that would be rich.... not like that.  Oh you know what I mean, though in the beginning I think people had some sort of preconception that somehow I would drastically transform.  I was sort of like I just have cancer I'm not getting a brain transplant, or some such thing...

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Cat Scan Results & Chemo #5

 Yesterday was the magic day for my cat scan.  I love the fact that I didn't wear a bra with a wire, so I didn't have to wear a gown.  I did the usual, breathe in and hold your breathe so they could get pictures.  As I was lying there I did begin to get emotional inside.  And the contrast that they put in my veins, is suppose to get warm, but it got so, so, warm for a bit, that it was uncomfortable. I'm not really a wimp when it comes to most poking and prodding, I've had so much of it, blood draws and what not.  Anyway when the cat scan was done, the tech gave me a cotton ball to hold over where the IV had been removed, a few seconds seemed adequate to me, but nope, blood started running down my arm, a couple splats on the floor.  I asked if they were different needles then used for blood draws...yep.   The pictures above are of barium, which is what I had to drink before hand.  And hours and a half or so.  I was told it's ground up rock.  That berry flavor tasted like drinking scented shampoo.  The other tech said he had never heard that before.  Or cheap perfume, something soapy...
  Today was chemo day number 5.  I also got the results back of my cat scan.  They are really positive, it looks like most of the cancer is gone, and what's left isn't a lot.  I'm thinking I have 3 more chemo treatments, which would be AWESOME, but I have to wait until the first week of January or so when I get a pet scan to know if I'm done with chemo.

Then when that's done it will bring me to radiation treatments for 6 weeks.  Today the nurse was telling me that the first one is usually longer, and they are usually about 15 minutes... So I'm staying in the moment.  Today's chemo went fine, though I kind of get icky feelings about it at points, or I had this feeling like I just wanted to get up and walk out, maybe because I knew I had to sit there until the bags emptied....

  Anyhow, that's my update on my first cat scan since beginning chemo, and chemo #5 :)

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Open to Divinity

  I have been busy of late.  These last so many days I have felt a lot more energized.  I am excited for my cat scan now.  I was nervous or stressed about it, almost as if it was a test I could personally fail.  Like oh shit, I didn't meditate hard enough.   Whatever way it goes is the way it's suppose to, but I so want it to go well!!!
  I have had great times with friends this last week.  Really full, happy moments with them.  I appreciate them so much, I have known some of them for SO LONG!!!!  Some of my girl friends I have spent some awesome quality time with.  And then this evening I had a great time hanging with mostly guy friends.  A lot of laughter, that is so important.  To me it is important, I highly value my acting silly time...
  I have also spent a lot of time with my family, and they are absolutely wonderful.  I couldn't have a better family, truly.  I have so much to be thankful for.  
  There has been a bit on my mind, about one potential outcome of this whole diagnosis.  But there's not much I can do.  It's the children dealio.   I had to take immediate action when it came to chemo, so that was that...Some women harvest their eggs, which costs an astronomical amount I'm sure.  Anyway, whatever will be, will be.  I truly feel at the whim of my life, which I guess I never was in control anyway, but I most definitely thought I was in ways, and still do in certain aspects.
  No matter who you are, it doesn't really matter, there are some things that no one is really immune to. And a bit of that I believe consists in life lessons.  That's just my personal view, that there are some things that each of us need to learn, and one way or another we are given the opportunity to rise to the task.
   And sometimes it's a total bitch, the great part is when you can turn around and embrace that bitch, step back and see that somehow all along she was a goddess guiding you, in the only way that would work for you, help you to see.  Showing you things through events that would likely be the best way to teach you personally......

 Taking control isn't always a bad thing. Obviously not...I haven't shared this on my blog, but it is one of those Bitch turned Goddess lessons.  I was so wanting to be empowered when it came to losing my hair, I didn't want to deal with tufts of hair falling out, being strewn about, so I went for it, and all my locks are gone!  Interestingly enough, the small amount of hair that remained, still remains, and I do believe has grown a tiny bit, at this point in chemo, it should be gone, and I do believe my eyebrows as well as eyelashes. Nope, but I still have more treatments to go so I am waiting for this to occur.  And I've had to laugh because if it doesn't fall out, then I did it for nothing...Though it would have been rare, and likely would have thinned (I had a ton of hair) I would still have it, or some.  It makes me smile now, because the lesson was so great for me, on a few levels.  Most importantly it was one of the first times I realized how truly strong I am.  I have been as I said before through so, so, so, much.... but this really was a big lesson for me.
  Ok now I want my hair back, lol.....and if it finally falls out, oh well....If I relax no matter what the circumstances I am divinely led, if I am open to divinity, despite what is put in front of me as my lesson, this isn't always easy...... long story short, I'm trying to go with the flow, and I hope to someday achieve this with an element of grace.

<3 <3 <3  Love you!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Increments. I.....ncr.......................e........m.........En.............Ts..........AgaIn.

  I'm either half way done or a third of the way done.  That's what I learned today about my chemo treatments.  I won't know for certain for a couple months I'm thinking, but should have a better idea next Tuesday after my scan.  So really no new news.   then r a d i a t i on

Monday, November 14, 2011


  Tomorrow and it will have been a week since chemo.  I was going to call chemo, nemo when I started all these treatments, but that would have had everyone confused.  Well nearly everyone.  Anyway I want to know how many nemo treatments I have left exactly.  Is it 4 or is it 8? That's the difference of a couple months, as well as the obvious, more treatments.  I have this feeling it will be 8 left, which really does not sound fun, because after that is radiation.  This is nuts, all of it, as I think of it, just stupid crazy, lol.  Or she (one of my oncologists) may say, if your scan looks good then only 4.  I was so excited thinking I was half way done.  I don't want to lose the positive (for the most part) roll I have been on, but patience is one of my weakest areas.  I suppose it will all work the way it is suppose to.  This last week has been ok, mild nausea at times, and fatigue to be sure.  Nothing I can't handle, so that's good.
  So my mosaics I definitely need a lot of practice.  I used black grout, with the wrong colored little glass stones, and what a mess, it looks like stuff that was pulled out of a fire pit that was burnt to shit.  Oh well, practice is what I need, and bright colors against black...and probably to be doing that art project in the summer as it's messy.
  My wheat grass seeds are on a three shelved rolling tray, and they look to be breaking open.  The owner of the store gave me like 25 pounds worth of seeds, he said they were a little old, so I'm hoping they sprout the grass, right now it's the root popping out.  This is the trial run, once I have grass I'll take pictures.  I have been keeping myself busy with things like that, and garage sales are still happening!!! And spending time with people here and there.  Also, I forgot to mention, I am on a fruit and veggie dehydrating kick, I LOVE IT!!!  And have been drinking crazy smoothie combo's, pumpkin, banana, avocado, etc...My friend gave me a pumpkin and I used nearly every part, just like a buffalo :)
   I am also still meditating, and exercising lightly, now I will incorporate some mindfulness exercises into the day more so than I had been doing.  There are reasons to these rhymes, a healthier body, mind, and spirit.  Ahh but the world is going to end next year so I don't need to over exert myself.....HA! just playing....

Friday, November 11, 2011


I just awoke from a nap... I am feeling some fatigue from the chemo right now.... I am not exactly sure how many treatments I have left. I thought more than likely four, we'll see, maybe eight, who knows.  I just found this picture online, kind of fun~ I had rainbow socks on today :)  I hope everyone's day was great!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

21 Minutes

  Alright! 4 more chemo's if all goes as well.  Then on to radiation. 1/2 way done with chemo.  Today was nice, because I met someone not so much younger than I to b.s. with while the bags dripped on.  It was a crazy busy day, I'm not about to list everything I got done today, and even some stuff after chemo, an appointment, car stuff, ......
  I really enjoyed this morning before my quick workout.  I meditated for 21 minutes.  My mind is crazy, but there were some still moments, and in those still spaces a clear thought would eventually appear, a thought of substance, (not all mine are, lol) and then a little voice I felt, telling me to say it out loud.  Why not? So I did.  They were positive, strong and loving words.  I had a range of emotions, that happened in those 21 minutes as my mind went here and there...Sad a bit of it, all in all love the antidote....
   I am also about to embark on mindfulness, this seems like an easy concept, be mindful of the now in detail and in it's completeness...I have done this before, and it's difficult to stay with.  It keeps you rooted in the now, where as I view meditation as more of a pulling back, seeing the space between the ships in your minds eye as they float by...(I'm not an expert on either of these things, that's why I am back at learning them, so I won't go on and on like I know all that I am talking about.)  Point being, meditation, and mindfulness I think are very important.  Bringing awareness to behaviors to see what motivates me....Or to find some peace, a little bit of calm within...

  What's crazy cool about life is I see that I don't know everything that is going to happen, for a long time I felt I did, well life throws you curve balls.  At times their horrid, and every now and then, a little bit of amazing happens....Even with the seemingly horrid curve balls, if you hold it up to the light, it will have a bright side,  ok this is getting nearly a bit cliche style....

And before I forget, my lab today came out rockstar, aces!!!!! great blood going on! I am no longer anemic, at least not now :)  White blood cells off the charts~ :)

I am posting this song that I love for a friend of mine.....she cant' get the link to work, so I'll put it right here..... for you my friend!!!!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Kale Chips & Meditation

  Ok, so I'm getting back on track with my diet and incorporating some exercise back into my life.  I am really excited as my dad got me a wheatgrass juicer which should be here by Wednesday.  I also finally got a food dehydrator, which I am loving!  I can't find kale chips anywhere in this city so I made my own!  I would like to move towards a raw foods diet, but that's a bit unrealistic.  After being exposed to "Diet For A New America," years ago I have gradually made positive changes over the years.
   When I found out I had cancer all that went out the window.  I hadn't eaten at say McDonalds in four years, was sober for two, gluten free (though was easing up on that), hadn't smoked a cigarette in quite some time, basically quite healthy, well seemingly so. I do have cancer after all. (that they have no explanation what causes this type, huh? ok.)
  When I was growing up I was fed dried fruit and quite nutritionally.  Anyway this dehydrator makes me think of my childhood.
  I have known for quite some time that an alkaline diet helps greatly with cancer, BIG TIME, here's a link, one of zillions, .  Though I won't turn my diet over completely, I would like to work in a positive direction.  I guess after nearly two months of knowing I have cancer, I am finally ready to kick in.  I don't want to have this experience more than once.
  Ahh but I do have spiritual views, and realize I am not in control of the outcome of every little situation.  I figure if I'm proactive things just may go smoother.  I'm not ready to ditch coffee, it's acidic on the ph scale but I can minimize, and boost in other ways on the alkaline scale, etc.  I heard recently from this movie trailer about cancer, that your body is like a fish tank, the ph needs to be balanced on the insides for optimum health.  (Something along that line)   Makes sense to me.
   I could go off on nutrition type things forever, but the overall point is that I'm moving in a positive direction.
  Also, one time I went to this sitting/walking meditation class, it was SO hard, I mean insanely difficult for me.  I thought I might lose my mind.  Well I have decided to sit at home again, just concentrating on breathing for now, then maybe incorporate some more exercises later.  I have always made meditation so difficult, as if I had to do it perfectly.  Truly if I can center myself for just a bit, then I'm happy.  I am not interested in going back to that class, I'm telling you it was rigorous!
  I'm so excited, I am trying to copy Trader Joe's long sliced bananas that they dehydrate halfway or so, they aren't crunchy, they are chewy and so good!  Oh and about the wheatgrass it truly is an amazing food, other sprouted grasses are as well I think.  I got into it years ago, then forgot about I'll be a grower :)
  Life is good, I'm back in my natural groove so to speak, well not entirely, I do have chemo tomorrow, but it will be ok.  #4
P.S. I don't believe in dieting (an occasional detox perhaps) I do however believe in changing your way of eating in a realistic way for the better.  Also it doesn't have to all happen over night, at least that's my way of thinking.  I don't know why I wrote that in bold print.

Friday, November 4, 2011


  I had a really nice time with my dad while he was up from Cali.  We spent time with the rest of my family and whatnot.  As far as my cancer goes, my favorite oncologist is very pleased. I am healthy at this point, just anemic. For this I am glad, I have a cat scan on the 21st to make sure this chemo mix is working.  It definitely seems to be.  The Oncologist said if it wasn't, that my veins would suppress or do something and cause my head to swell up.  I mean really swell up.  It sounded nuts.  I have also learned that anytime they get next to my teletubby port, to put something in my mouth that tastes good.  They flush it, and the fumes go into my mouth. And the last nurse was stabby.  Needle hurt in and out.
  So I am moving chemo to Tuesdays, every other week still.  Tonight I went through the process of washing the wigs, which I should have done sooner, but since I had two it wasn't that big of a deal.  Kind of an odd feeling washing your hair in front of you.  Things aren't as traumatizing as I would have thought.
  I have to stop eating so much, that's not a good thing, I'm like straight off the farm healthy.  All in all I have to let go of most things superficial.  Which is a hard lesson.  They put steroids in the chemo, and she cut back on them, but I couldn't figure out why I was starving all the time.  Anyway, I will do what I can about it and not obsess, ok, maybe I will obsess a bit.  I am going to try and run some on my treadmill, and take it as it comes.  For all those people that every hated me, their dreams are coming true right about now....well unless they wished me dead, because I'm still kicking!
  I am grateful for the time I spend with people.  You know it's bizarre, there are these weird stats, that survivors at a certain stage live an average of five years after that and other stages like ten years after whatever stage they survive from. Then beyond that oh shoot I am confused right now, they die of something non related perhaps?  I may have written this before, but it is so bizarre, stats like this, and I really think I must be misunderstanding something, not to mention I can't buy into that know, I won't be buying into statistics, HA! maybe I am reading it wrong....who cares, who knows....
  I do know this, I am enjoying my family and my friends~ Those stats, just bother me, because would anyone in their right mind, fight for an extra five years on average? Perhaps I would, it is five years of life, but this journey takes a toll, and though a lot is gained in ways, it's hard on a person I think, ten yes most likely worth a college try ;)  Most people and even likely medical professionals would say, don't pay attention to that stuff.....I think....
  I like this quote from the silly but cute movie "Little Black Book" that Brittany Murphy said (when still alive).  I can so relate throughout my life...

  How does a girl who falls...
No, actually, she jumps...
... eyes open, down a rabbit hole,
plummeting into chaos...
... come out the other end
The answer?
She doesn't.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


  Halloween came and went! I had a great time with one of my close friends.  We ate a ton of chocolate, also spent time going thrift store shopping.  Tomorrow is Wednesday, again!  So from tomorrow I have just one week until Chemo.  I will get a blood draw tomorrow to make sure everything is up to par.
   Colds and the flu, everyone and there dog is sick it seems.  I have to squirt that nasty germ killer gel on everyone it seems.  It's not called that nasty germ killer gel, but it may as well be.  Today I got so tired, that I drank an energy drink from the health food store.  It comes in waves, where I can feel just about wiped out. I don't want to get into the energy drink habit, but these were extra special healthy ones.  It did give me the boost.  The pain patch I have taken off, and I feel achy slightly.
  My dad is coming from SoCal tomorrow!  I am excited to see him, I think it will be a great time.  I hope my energy stays up.  I thought of buying a case of energy drinks to have on hand, but that's not my style.
 Though too much coffee also isn't good, actually no coffee I believe is what is recommended.  Yeah right!!!
  Akward moments: I ran into this guy I haven't seen in years, and naturally I felt he could tell I had a wig on, though everyone that comments thinks the short one is my hair cut short.  Anyway I saw him once, said hi, then was acting like a dork by merchandise as well as next to my friend, dancing to the cheezy music, and then he addressed me again after walking up behind me, I don't know why but the whole exchange made me feel silly.
  Here's another one:  This woman asked me how I got my hair so shiny, and even though I know of a ton of products that will get your hair to that high of a shine, I just stood there and stared at her for like 40 seconds, then told her it was a wig.  My friend bumped me, like just tell her (I think that's what the bump was for) and that wasn't so bad, telling her.  Then after that I told her of high gloss sprays, uh, I could have done that in the first place, lol.
  And this was funny my friend and I had been to a place where the people all bust out and line dance, which so isn't my thing, but while we were in the back shopping this country music came on and we started the dancing after I mentioned the line dance style, and sure enough around the corner came this hot guy who started was funny considering I have no idea how to dance like that, and the fact we were doing it in the store....for all of you that don't know (I'm a goof!)