Cat Scan Results and an Update

Yay!  I am clear, the scan was awesome, great results, my lymph nodes look good things are going well.   I broke into tears when she told me, yesterday and today were difficult, I don't think people understand how scary that is to face even if one is cancer free.  The actual scan yesterday, well I feel like it's all very invasive, and I'm burnt out on it, yet I know it's awesome the medical technology, needless to say I wasn't a happy camper yesterday and today got better once I got my results.
  People who've had cancer or have been very close to someone can understand, but not like someone that's been through the whole ordeal.  I also kept thinking of this girl, wondering what happened to her, and her ongoing battle it seemed she had to deal with.
  I watched the clock this morning ticking, slowly, waiting for the awesome staff member who's been there since the beginning, she walked by and said she'd be right in, I tried to analyze those words, were they heavy, neutral, positive..... and in the end great news!!
   Anyway it was a busy day, one of the things I did to treat myself was buy some stuff for my hair, okay and I bought a programmable coffee pot as well, and...... lol just playing.  Thank God all is well, really thank God...
  So I want to hit the gym harder coming up which I shall after I get over this minor cold.  What else was I going to say..... I guess I could update my life, and if I've written this part, oops, I can't remember it's so sporadic now....
  I still model a bit, I've been doing spokes modeling of late, a bit here and there.  I will stay open to other genres, there's been interest here and there for small projects but logistics have to be navigated.....  and ..... currently I mentor teens, I volunteer at the AIDS coalition, I bring a meeting into a rehab center, um.....chair a meeting.....well all sorts of things, really my goal is to do God's will, whatever that may be, to help others if I can.  I think we all have that capacity.  Though I screw up as much as I help I suppose....eeek.....

Alrighty then, I'm rambling, today was a good day for me, dealing with just a scan, brings up all sorts of feelings for me.  Oh yeah I'm still sober.....not quite a year, that truly is just about today, I have relapsed more times than I'd like to admit, well who cares, if I knew how many I'd tell you, all been a huge learning experience...  thanks for all your support.... love you guys! <3 <3 <3

~m

Cat Scan Today

  Hello, well I will write again likely tomorrow after I get my results.  I have another scan, and I'm stressed out.  I do not like this stuff.  I just want to get on with my life.  I think people all have an idea of what they would do or I should do if.... eek I don't want to say it, but honestly, how the heck do they really know if they haven't gone through it.  I met someone that comes to mind, and it seemed like she went through junk over and over again, and frankly I'm uninterested in all that.  I'm emotional, and just want to live my life.  And also part of me down the road wants to say F these scans, but I know if C ever came up they could catch it more quickly.  Just the same it's nerve wracking.... here's an old song that I've been loving of late..... it's a toss up between this and the 'St. Elmo's Fire' theme song.....maybe I'll post them both...I love them!  yes for the ol' skool tunes, happy :)  I have a ton to be grateful for today! just stay in the gratitude.... <3 <3 <3

My hair pics off phone 10/6/2012

So about a year later after my diagnosis and chemo, the whole deal, here is my hair, today was day three without a wig in public, well I experimented four days ago at the gym and showed my friend, it's been bleached and it reacted weird to the toner, well post chemo your hair isn't the same (I have learned) on what to expect.  I will get it where I want it eventually, but for now here it is, my pixie style...... :)  At least my hair isn't the same as it was before all of this...

Sans Wig!!!!

  I made a baby step!  I went out without my wig tonight, this will be the first day I was out in a public setting without it.  I went to the gym and then I showed one of my guy friends what I look like with short hair.  I have always had long hair so this was huge for me.  I am guessing other women that have either never had short hair, or have had the post chemo experience can relate to what I'm saying.... Anyway, I told myself there was no way I would even go without until my hair was a certain length, but I did, and I'm happy I did.  My neighbors who don't know me well had seen me without in passing and my family who knows me very well.  A friend who is honest, well he honestly liked it, that helped for sure...
  I realized a long time ago that I am not my hair, but just the same it's been a very big deal to me waiting for it to grow... Anyway, I am grateful to be well and be making progress in my life.  Thanks again for all the support... !!!!

And will be going over blood labs from a bit ago coming up :)

Update

This new blogger set up is ridiculous!!!!  Anyway, all is well, I meet with the nurse practitioner at the end of October to go over blood work....I am in remission still, well for 5 years, I think I mentioned that, then I'm a survivor...survivor now!  I am thinking I will have a pet scan again within a few months, and this blood work will be an overview of hormones, etc.  My hair is pixie length, let's see life is good, I'm as good as I once was.  Living life and loving life....

Hello!!

Hello everyone, I just wanted to touch bases.  I am doing very well.  I believe I have another pet scan in a few months.   I better check on that.  My hair is growing, it's sort of like twiggy style right now.  I am still all about wearing a wig, though I don't need to.  What else pertains... my cycles seem to be on track as far as girly stuff.  Oh yes, I will be getting a hormone check, that will likely tell me if I am still fertile.  I have a feeling that I am, but on that front I am not super worried.  I use to want kids so desperately, but the more I am around them, I enjoy them for awhile, but they equal a life's dedication worth of work the way I see it.  Who knows, whatever is in God's plan for me.  I am still sober, this is a good thing, I am trying to be active on that front, as I know for me it's the better way to live, and I'm sure those around me would concur... alright, that's all for now, I hope you all are doing well, and thank you for all the support!!!!


~m

Blogger is annoyingly improved!  Anyway, I don't know if I wrote this here, but my scan came back clear!!! I am so relieved.  I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and my blood work looked good.  Also, I had forgotten but apparently I am considered in remission, until 5 clear years have passed.  I am very grateful too be doing so well.  My hair is growing, it is still very short, but yay it's growing!!!  I overall am doing well.  My body is still regulating hormone wise but that will take some time I believe.  I also learned yesterday how to do a breast exam as I never really paid attention though it's beyond simple, learned at one time and forgotten.  Life is moving along, it is nice that there is life after an event of this magnitude in ones life.  Also, I just started taking biotin in addition to a liquid calcium type supplement for your hair, skin and bones I think it is.  I take other vitamins as well, mainly to get my hair to grow more quickly.  I would do research on this for yourself to see what is best for you.  I just wanted to update that all is well.
  I do think of my friend that passed recently and other people that are struggling.  My prayers go out to you, or them, or both, you know what I mean.  Thanks for all the love and support.  <3
~m

Scan scheduled for Friday

  The woman I know passed away yesterday.  Her faith was strong, and I don't believe she was scared.  Every life story is different.  Anyway, as I talked to her, while she was asleep, I told her I'd get that scan, (among tons of other things I said) I was there for many hours, I should have been more available, or tried harder while she was alive, but all things fall together as they are suppose to, she made an impact on me.  Anyway, she is better now I believe.
   So I would have gotten the scan anyway, but I was freaking out about it a bit, so now I'm doing it, just facing my fears.  This is the pet scan, they inject you with the glucose I think it is, wait about 45 minutes or so?  Then get the scan, I also have to see the doctor again, within the next couple weeks, which I will do, get a lab done.  Yay, keep on trucking..... :)

My mother always says a proverb I think it is... "Go straight to the heart of the fire, for there you will find safety"
 

Well......

  A friend, that I didn't get to know well is on her last days it looks like.  I haven't been able to get through to her on the phone of late, though there was a bit of a lag of time that I hadn't talked to her.  I just found out she is in fact not doing well, and so I feel it's important to go talk to her, even if she's not awake, if you will.  I knew this was coming, and it is sad, but she is a woman strong in her faith, and I think even now she is okay.  I don't know if I will go more than once.  I don't know.
  Cancer is running rampant among people.  I always heard of people getting it, and I know it's not just because I have had it, that I notice more, but seriously everywhere I turn someone else is having this to contend to.
I have been stressing out because I'm suppose to do a scan, oh pretty much about now.  I really don't want to do this.  Knowing my personality I will.  The idea of follow up scans I would insist on anyone else doing, but when it comes to me, I just don't want to.  I will skip the reasons why.
   As far as follow up on this blog, I still wear a wig, my hair is growing but it is short, and I'm not a female that will do the super short hair look.  As far as the rest of me, I'm over a couple months sober, the last few days have been depressed.  Still contend with manic depression, and it's not a picnic.  I have had 3 periods since my body went haywire during chemo, my body is balancing out, this does not guarantee that I am able to have children, though likely it is a good sign.  The older I get, I'm not so sure about kids anyway.  So, that is a brief update...leaving out quite a lot I suppose.. but I don't care to talk about this topic all that much unless it can directly benefit someone else.  Then I want to, as then it means something, this whole experience means something, if I can be there for another.

Dance

 Well things are going really well.  For this I am grateful.  I feel I should update.  Here's the too much info part, for any women out there post chemo, I had another menstrual cycle, eighteen days after the first one I had post chemo.  It may take time for my body to regulate, or I'm, well who really knows.  If it get's to out of hand I'll check into it, I plan on getting my hormone's checked anyway, though I don't believe those tests to be all that reliable unless done like daily or something, that's just my take.  Still it would lend some insight, seems the ranges are to broad.... enough of that part.
  Yesterday I think it was, I was pondering what I've learned out of all this, that kind of thing.  Then I felt old, and said so aloud to myself, basically as if that's one major thing I have come to see.    And then last night I went out and danced really a lot, it was so what I needed, to just dance.  It's a part of me, I've loved to dance for years, and years, so that was really great.  The "old" feeling dissipated..yay!
  I did see someone I've known for years, he's quite a bit older, anyway I had seen him at the cancer center but wasn't sure it was him until his name was called.  Anyway, I very briefly said hellos in passing and then later felt rude, but the very last thing I wanted to do was talk about cancer.  I am so burnt out on it.  Maybe another time, I know it's an assumption on my part he'd want to talk about that, but I wasn't taking any chances.  Not while I was out trying to have fun....

  So anyway, I'm still not sure what I've learned in it's entirety, or what it's all been for, but I do know this, I am not old, and even if I was, age is just a number, I have to keep dancing, and living.....also I was going through this really feeling boxed in for different reasons, but I want to and am choosing to believe that with God anything and all things are possible, and I am grateful!  oh yeah, still sober... it feels good, though oh how I love to party.... haha :)  fun pictures, great bands, wonderful people!! <3 love you and thanks for reading <3 <3 <3  it's early, I'm lazy, I was going to attach pics...but they are up on facebook, if you wish to look :)  ......love this song....

Thoughts.....

                                        I don't think I posted this video, but either way I like this song.......

Not too far down the road I am suppose to have that pet-scan update.  I really don't want to do this.  I want to ignore it, just let time slip away.  A part of me hopes that the doctors won't contact me for follow up.
  It's been difficult to be around groups of people that I hadn't been around in many months.  Their inquiries are too much.  At times I get defensive, then once recently emotional and I just lost it and started to cry.  Being in recovery, many people mean well with their questions, but sometimes I think people are just nosy.  It's very frustrating, for me to be kind with their questions, at times next to impossible it feels and I just turn bitchy.  I think in time all this will pass.  I really hope so.  Certain things don't just end for me because they are over.  I am sure many people feel this way.  Will I get this scan?  More than likely, yet I really, don't want too.  You know that whole ignorance is bliss deal.  I don't know that I've been as ignorant as I'd truly like to be, lol.  Sure, likely in ways, I don't have it all figured out, but once you know, you can't just pretend you don't.
  The most important part is to stay in the now.  This seems so hard for me... I am trying to take better care of myself, though it hasn't been perfect.  Doing what I can do...I am sober at this time, I really want to want to be sober more.  In time I believe this will happen.  I have loved sober living before and I know I will again.  It may not even be that so much, (well in ways) but having sleep issues leaves me grumpy a lot, drained, which doesn't make for a happy camper.  Definitely not for me, I've been too on edge.  I just have to keep on trucking.  :)

Woo Hoo!!!

  I started my you know what!!! This makes me happy.... although it doesn't guarantee fertility, here's a link from a breast cancer site, that is informative.  http://www.breastcancer.org/tips/fert_preg_adopt/treatments/chemotherapy.jsp  I will not choose to read any more on the topic, because I don't want to over think it.  It's just great that after not even two months of finishing chemo I am having a cycle.  Hopefully it's an ongoing thing and not a fluke menopause type deal.  Women who go through menopause have sporadic random periods, and I hope this is not the case for me.

  So this may seem like too much info, but it's part of the process as a female who has gone through chemo treatments... I'm very excited about this, lol.   Keeping my fingers crossed this is my body returning back to it's pre-cancer state :)  That's all for now

~m

This & That

  Things are going well overall.  I'm still detoxing from the chemo.  Drinking lots of tea and sleeping at very late hours quite a lot.  I mean I can't go to sleep until late. Still that will take time to get all of that out of my system.

 I'm thinking of getting my hormone levels checked in a month or two.  Not too concerned about that.

  Of late I have done a shit ton of research on shampoo.  I knew most of it was bad for you as so many has detergent in it, thus making it suds up.  Not to mention all the other harmful ingredients.  After comparing products and reading testimonials on expensive shampoo to inexpensive.  I'm going with the least amount of ingredients.  There was a higher dollar one with essential oils, and then I decided to go with Aubrey Organics (also oils in it), as new hair is like baby hair and I want to be gentle with it.  So, between that, a healthy diet and supplements I think things will be good.  I see all these women with short hair and I don't honestly know how they embrace it.  They look great, really good, but I suppose I just feel that I love what I'm use too.  Whatever my feelings are I will have short hair for awhile.  Maybe I think it works for them, but won't for me....

  The last few days I have slacked on working out because for the most part I have been so exhausted.  Not getting enough sleep hardly makes me want to push myself to work out.  And of course it's ironic because now photographers are contacting me.  I am concerned that I won't feel super into this until my hair is longer.  On the other hand I should just go for it, or switch it up with the wigs.  Actually I've been in contact throughout this ordeal, I think I'd feel it if I was in better shape, and again had my own hair.  Many women model at the size I am, all different sizes, but I really like to be more toned.

 I really am not sure what I will do, but to do it well I have to be rested anyway.  I didn't quite think about post treatment, and how the detox from chemo isn't just "Oh it's over, I'm better now.."

  I am better no doubt about it, but I surely don't feel like my old self.  In time I am sure that I will.  I have been sober so this is good.  It is also hard at points.  It will get easier I know, but even after over two years of being sober, I am near certain that there wasn't a day or many that went by without me thinking about it in some way or another.

  And the last thing on my mind related to all of this is I will have to do another scan in awhile.  I'm sure I don't have to elaborate on how that makes me feel.  Skip that and back to shampoo, it's funny I spent around $50 on a shampoo and conditioner (that was a deal I got as well) and the first ingredient is one of the one's your suppose to watch out for.  There are so many high dollar shampoo's like that, granted this kind didn't have tons of ingredients but just the same.  I know you have to adapt to different shampoo's but I am choosing to adapt to healthier ones for my hair.  I read how I could also make it myself, but I'll skip that, though it wouldn't be hard.  So my selections should arrive soon.  I won't list the labels of one's people think are awesome but probably suck, though they aren't horrid, horrid.

k.....that's it for now :)

~m

Detox and a happier day :)

  In this moment I feel better, thank God!!!  I see now that this will be an ongoing process.  I read up on chemo chemicals and they are in your body 6-8 weeks post last chemo treatment.  And I'm sure the affect of the junk lasts even longer.  Since I am not drinking and done with chemo I decided to buy some detox teas.  There are some really high dollar cleanses, but I'm not into it.  Some are good I believe and others gimmicky.
   Anyway, also this is common sense which I read, it's important to drink lots of water and try and make your plates of food look like the color of the rainbow.  This can be difficult at times most definitely, but I'm doing what I can bit by bit.
  I also bought some liquid calcium magnesium so I can hopefully start sleeping better.  That is a product I have sworn by for multiple reasons for some time now.  I feel good about these purchases and didn't spend a ton.  I could have bought independent herb teas that may have packed a different detox punch, but anything I do right now I want to be a gentle approach.
  I also read exercise is good for chemo detox, which I have been doing, though not very hard this week as I've been so tired.  If you have cancer, or are post cancer like me and are reading this, I'd recommend doing your own research of course.  I have to be careful because I can freak myself out, and honestly for me too much information can  get in my head, I don't care for that.
  It feels good to be proactive and do what I can, bit by bit.  Juicing is also really great (recommended), and I have a juicer, but I want to get filters for the inside so it cleans easier.  That may sound so lazy, but it's too tedious to clean.  I still have my Vitamix, and I need to get back into my spinach, etc smoothie habit.  I find I will eat more veggie's if I can drink them.  I did that a lot during chemo, but I'm not sure how much it helps as I believe chemo blows everything good and bad out of it's path.  I probably could have been eating cardboard, and it would have been fine, haha jk...
  Here was some good news, someone that lives nearby with cancer said his is 97% gone!!!  Which is great, he explained the details, and as I parted ways I said I'd pray for him.
  It seems that kind of a lot has happened of late, but I'm doing better today.  I so needed a good day, and am glad I had this one.    :)

~m

Emo

 

  I got a phone call from a woman at the cancer center.  A girl I had met before left me a birthday card.  The woman offered to mail it to me, which works great.  I don't really want to go into that office right now. I feel so sad.  I don't like this whole mortal thing. Thinking of people that may not be so lucky. And seriously, my body must be craving the drugs in the chemo, the hormones, whatever, I am so tired and emotional.  I feel like I need to find a detox for myself.
  Speaking of detox I haven't divulged that I have indulged in my addictive drinking patterns.  I hope that has come to an end.  I am taking measures to not live that lifestyle.  I can't go back into all that.  The irony of getting cancer and being so healthy, then picking up habits I previously had is ridiculous.  Habits I had abandoned for quite some time.
  I know that I'm in this emo space, and it will pass.  I keep looking at many other lives and comparing myself to them and that's dangerous territory.  We all have different things to contend with.  My plate has been very full.  Between manic depression, addiction, cancer and other things in life, it's almost laughable.  I am no doubt depressed, hormonal, whatever...
  I realize this will pass.  I really don't feel like talking to that many people.  And it's nothing personal.

There are some things in my life, like all lives that have really hurt.  I feel so exhausted, I tried to lay down with all my clothes on with no plans of falling asleep in hopes that I would.  It didn't work.  That doesn't make sense at all I'm sure.
  I also want my full identity back.  Which is a valuable lesson, my identity is not external. Doing modeling, much of my identity I realize must of been associated with pictures and the like.  Long, blonde hair...
  The human experience has been something else for me.  A lot of wonderful experiences, but some seriously hard shit as well.  I am not alone, many have experienced difficult times.  I suppose it's what I am going to do with it all now that counts.  I don't want to become bitter.  And to be honest there are points I am so bitter when I think about some things.  Talking to God helps, and people close to me.  They understand.
  Art helps, I look at tons of art and photography.  Just zone out....
Also I find it hard the way people treat others, this is a lesson I learned the hard way in my life.  I use to be such a bitch, now I am here and there, but it's not a regular thing I'd say.  A lot of that was likely being wasted and sarcastic.  Again I do still have my moments, I think I'm only cutthroat when I'm hurt.  That's no excuse.  Anyhow, I guess that doesn't relate to cancer, but it bothers me.  I feel like I want to love others and be loved.  If it were only that simple.  I can't be validated through other's thoughts of me.  It's the love for myself that will help me heal inside.  It's funny, many people could love me and I'd focus on the one person that doesn't.  Why is that?
  I know I have to work on some of these emotional and spiritual issues for a few reasons.  And I will because that's what I do.  I constantly think of the Grateful Dead lyric "You find light in the strangest of places if you look at it right," it is so true, there are some friends, that I really don't even want to associate with anymore because of how they were while I went through this.  Then on the bright side so many people were totally there for me, a few of which I wouldn't necessarily have thought.  There in small ways and big ways... I do realize others don't know how to necessarily deal with it, and they have lives of their own.  But in a way, my old self would say, you can fuck straight off...ok my now self, lol.   I won't though, because it wouldn't do any good, and my goal is to rise above in love.... it's difficult.
  Oh that's right I did tell a couple people exactly what I thought.  I remember vaguely being drugged up in the hospital and flipping out on a guy friend over the phone.   Then months later saw him at a coffee shop, he acted so odd that, I grabbed his art pencil off the table and drew a huge x across his picture.  Then walked off with a friend.  Ok and yes, I did go off a bit to a few.  People are surprising, I have found you can be there for them when the chips are down, but this in no way means they will be there for you.  But would I change that characteristic of being there for people?  I don't think so....I'd likely be there again for those same people if they needed me.  Who knows....I'm rambling.....

The song above I love~ <3 <3 <3

~m

And....

  I didn't think of after chemo was finished.  Withdrawals of sorts from the steroids and what not they put in there.  For some nights in bed it felt like my feet were achy and restless, it was a weird feeling.  Now I think that my sleep has been affected somewhat.  Everything is just a bit off yet.  I know things will regulate and I can hardly wait until they do.  I'm sure this is worse for others and maybe others don't notice.
  It feels good to be done with it all.  I'm thankful that things have worked out the way they have.  I am blessed.  Not everyone is so lucky.  I ran into someone that I had met through this ordeal, and her trials are much more difficult.  I feel sad for her, and have an empathy I'm not sure I would have cultivated had I not experienced all of this.  There is nothing I can do but be there if she needs me or any help.  I'm kind of scared to get too close to her, but fear will not keep me away.  This is sad to think about, I just wanted to update.  Overall life is good...I just had my birthday yesterday.... wooo hoo!!

~m

So...

  So that port removal didn't hurt besides the shots to numb the area, or that's what I thought, lol.  And those hurt, but I was wrong, I'm not such a trooper.  I seriously have felt like I have a gunshot wound (I don't know what a gunshot wound feels like, but I'm just near positive this is in the semi-ballpark, ...maybe, ) since the shots wore off last night.  That definitely hurts, and is hurting.  I didn't want to misrepresent if someone with cancer reads this and thought it doesn't end up hurting.  I'm not sure if I stretched the area out or something, but it is not comfortable.  So between dealing with a light pain patch that wore off and the port removal last night, I didn't sleep much.  The realization that oh yeah they cut into your skin, that's got to hurt, hit me later than sooner.
   just thought I'd give a little fyi update....whining about that ;)

~m

  Yay!!! Today I got my teletubby port removed.  They put me to sleep to implant it, but  I was awake for the removal.  They used  a local A.  I can't spell that word right this second and don't care to look it up.  They thought I was a trooper, they are right.  I love the bandage they use that's clear, I thought they painted it on, but I guess not.  I was grumpy at first, hungry and irritated all around.  Then I snapped out of it.  I kept the port, it has a long tube that runs to the heart.  I thought that part was cool.  Otherwise I'm banning cancer items.
   For example, the gum I have chewed when they've cleaned the port, I never want to chew again.  The body wash I have used during this period will always remind me of this time.  So now I'm back to my Elizabeth Arden stuff I love, it must have been hiding some months ago.  I have used gallon buckets of hand sanitizer over the last while, I'm going to ease up on that.  I'm kind of hooked now though, lol.  I am taking a major rest on ginger products.  Though I still love ginger.  Ginger ale, ginger chews, ginger this and ginger that.  I'm done worrying about catching a flippin' cold, or about worrying if my friends and/or their kids are sick.  I only cared so much because I was all about getting the chemo over with.  Only a couple times did I hold up a paper mask to my face.  I'm that social, not much will get in my way.  Thank God I'm doing as well as I am.  I am well now!!!  No more triple shot Americano's either, that was likely a no no, but I had to carry on.
  Oh there is so much I feel will change now.  My hair is growing, has been very slow.  I hope that picks up, but one day I'll have long hair again.  For now, I won't gripe.  Only this single second. :)  I'm totally a wig girl, only a few have seen me without and no one else will.  Not that I can't rock the Demi G.I. Jane look, but I'm a Rapunzel girl.  That's just me.
  My scar a couple inches long has faded, by my collarbone area.  I don't care what it does.  Not far below is a red, tidy gash from today.  Everything else was done with needles, the biopsies.
  Yesterday I met a lady who had seen me before, she wanted to talk.  It felt good to hug her and share my experience.  She was upset, if nothing else I can share my experience, and sometimes it's the littlest things or you'd think are, that scare people the most.  Myself included.

  In three months I have a pet scan to see that all is well.  So yay!!!!  Sorry this is scattered, and poorly written, but you get the jist.... My birthday is in 11 days, I have been joking around saying, "I survived another year."

Feeling more like myself again, ..... <3 <3 <3

~m

Update

  I will have a blood draw on Wednesday.  Last Tuesday I had my last chemo and it left me feeling not so great overall.  I will update this blog as things occur, and likely on my thoughts about this all.  In a few weeks or so I will have another scan.  I don't really care to do this scan, all should be fine.  I currently want them to remove the port, or the teletubby plug as I call it, from near my right shoulder.  I am sure the doctor will want to wait on removing this, but I will insist that it be removed.  It's my body right? right.  Actually I'm not going to even go into the port topic any further.
  Today I feel like I am in a funk.  I believe there is a certain wtf now feeling after going through all that I have been through regarding this topic.  There are ideas I find interesting in life but just not interesting enough right now.  Before all of this, I went through a period of really not wanting to do the whole life thing anymore.  Then I fought for it, no that's not right, I walked through what I had to and here I am now.  Obviously I wanted to live more than another month.
  I am sure my hormones are going crazy.  I find out in a couple months if I am menopausal, lol.  Even with the tests they do though there are no guarantees on the results they give me.  It could take about a year to know about all that.  If I did go through menopause it wasn't so bad.  I had some hot flashes, and yeah that's about it.  I don't really think I went through it.
  I do know this, I would like to get out of here at some point soon.  I'm sure it will happen.  Even if I don't go far I need a break from the scenery here.  I need a month off from doctors.  It was funny they tried to schedule me for more chemo and I looked at the secretary type person and said fuck this, meaning the schedule she handed me.  At that point I hadn't seen the words chemo written in there, once I noticed as I was hooked up to the bags I called to her (she's great btw, I love her) she came over and I held out the schedule and ripped it  a third of the way apart.  I basically told her she could have that part back I wasn't doing it.  She was awesome and laughed and understood.  I had already committed to two extra treatments not four.  Likely it was left in the system.
  Anyway friends have asked about this blog, and I will keep it going.  I'd love to change the title but the ultimate reason for writing is in hopes of helping another or others.  A handful of people in my life have suggested I should write a book.  The ones that know the many facets that make up my life. This blog I haven't applied myself in a literary fashion.  In regards to writing, I don't know about the pieces of my life, they are with everyone I know.  There's no doubt it would be interesting... Anyway I may switch it up and veer from the topic at hand, people can go through the past entries...I don't really know, but I do know this, I hope not to think about this forever.

Mica's mom updating

Hi, this is Mica's mother typing as she is having difficulty using this computer--hers broke and she wants to throw this one out the window.  Anyway, I had my last chemo treatment yesterday.  I am running on about two hours of sleep.  I am going to skip the details for now and write more about it when I get my new laptop.  I feel renewed in the sense that there are some modeling opportunities on the horizon, so I have something to look forward to and this enables me to set some personal goals.  Overall, just checking in.  Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers!

More to come as I fill in the details and follow through with scans, etc.  May you never ever have this experience.  Love you!

Peace

  Ahh I am at peace now.  Too make a long story semi-short, I talked to one of the doctors here in town, where I go.  He feels confident that I'll be fine in doing ten treatments.  I can rest easy now, and stop ping ponging in my mind.  This feels SO GOOD!!!!
   I am excited to move on with my life.  That's it :)

Ping Pong

  Back and forth in my mind I keep going.  That extra four treatments I can't get out of my mind, one of which I have done.  I finally thought just research it, and got the American Cancer Society on the phone. They will look up stats.  I really feel it's unnecessary to dump more toxins in my body after doing two extra treatments, yet I doubt myself.  I pulled out all my paperwork, calendars and whatnot what one of my practitioners had written first.  I'm bringing it all in next week, and saying, see this is what you said here if the pet scan was clear...an arrow was drawn to radiation.  Well they don't want to radiate, but I'd rather radiate a few weeks, then go on and on about this chemo crap.  The radiologist seemed to think two extra would be fine.  I am so sick of being an obsessive individual.
  I think about God's role in it all, and then I think have faith, then I flip too the idea that man has tapped into science for a reason.  I'm sorry but a doctor has to say more than we don't know why they like to do four extra on top of your best scan.  Now the A.C.S. can research it and get back to me.  My doctor is excellent, and definitely a chemo pusher.
  Decision making is for the birds!  Anyway, so far this round of chemo isn't horrid, though I've experienced more nausea.  Mild sort of on going throughout today.  Eating helps.  And the first night I was wired for sound, up until like five.  And I'm so hoping the achy stuff that comes in a few days is mild....
   Soon this will all be over.  I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I seriously can't believe it was caught in time in a way.  That's a trip.  I should have known something was up since I wanted to sleep all the time.  Towards the end, before I found out.  Then the achy stuff, I thought was workout (when I was still) related, even went once to the doc, I thought I had hurt myself...oh and then my friend I got a couple massages from her from being sore... and I guess I was getting winded...and depressed.  LMAO....ok so maybe a few signs, a couple flu's it seemed like, etc...etc....and a cough as well.  Weird in one of the pics my trachea was totally pushed over....but I am still breathing today!
  I just reread the part about God's role in this, likely I could do a hundred more treatments or next to none...and it would all be whatever's in God's plan...For the record, though I hate chemo, it has saved my life, the way I don't go crazy with all that is denial, and I don't research it and the side effects..I know the major ones, but for some reason all seems well.  :)

~m
   

#9 .....

 Ok, so today I talked on my phone nearly the whole time I was in chemo.  I even went as far as too write my name and birth date down for the nurses on an old receipt after the first time of having to say it which they have to do, but it interrupted the flow of my chat).  They do it every time, for every bag, likely for security reasons, but every time I am the same person with the same birth date.  I truly did not want to be there, so I just called people and chatted away.  I was in a room I could shut the slider and be in a phone frenzy, chemo bubble.
   Earlier in the waiting room downstairs (btw I just found the stairs so I don't have to use the janky elevator anymore between two floors) this two time cancer survivor really wanted me to do all four treatments.  I pretty much told her I'd take it into consideration, and said that yes, I would pray about it...
  So skip all the hellos and this and that, after I was off the phone call I was on, or one of them  the radiologist had come upstairs to see me.  I basically think he said no radiation.  I was so sort of surprised at one point, because he started talking about my pictures I think, or what was it, my brain is chemofried at the moment.  I said, did you google me?  He had, which was fine, reason being he asked what I do and just brushed him off in the conversation by saying in the past I'd been a student and had done some free lance modeling.  Then we started about other things, he asked about a certain place I hadn't heard of in a blog.  It seemed he thought he had been reading my blog.  Nope, it wasn't me....
  So in a couple weeks, the 31st if all goes well, I will be doing number 10.  Speaking of modeling, I got contacted yesterday by someone for what looked like a fun shoot, and a good tog (photographer) alas, I won't be doing that....
  Another one, I know (I never mention names in this blog) has some good work I would like to shoot with as well.  We shall see when.
  I think it will take a couple months to get my body back to where I want it.  So much is about the angles when it comes to my concerns and lighting..ok, skip all that....I don't look that different, I'm neurotic...
  As far as cancer goes, it's gone, and I'm insuring it will stay gone with two not four chemo treatments, they told me they haven't any scientific reason for picking four in the first place....
  So the nasty tummy shot in the morning, it's not so bad, it's always on the side of the stomach, I can feel it go in.  I also can taste saline when they flush that port.  Gum is always in my mouth.

 oooh I think everyone should read this book I read yesterday by Mother Teresa "No Greater Love," very fast read, and so important I believe no matter what your faith or belief system.  Amazing!  My friend she (you) know who you are, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Too confusing to read~ 2 more Chemo's I'll do, then likely no radiation,idk

Holy shit I just read this, and save yourself some sanity and skip it...the title says enough, lol...UGH

Where to start...since every patient with cancer gets different news, and I'm still a bit confused, I'll just lay out my little decision.  My cancer is gone, and I believe they believed that something would show up on the scan and I'd have to do some more chemo.  And even if a scan is clear they have you do four more for extra protection.
  I talked to the radiologist and well he needs to talk to his partner to see if it's worth doing, as there is nothing to pin point and radiate.  The plus about chemo is it hits all parts of your body.  Of course there are all the negatives.  I totally played every card I had to get radiation and not do anymore chemo... well if I do four more chemo sessions then I wouldn't have to do radiation, which I pretty much knew.  Long story short he didn't even know if they would do the areas the cancer had been before, he would need to discuss it with that other person, and me being neurotic felt that I should go with two more chemo sessions and not four.
   Four is excessive.  I am cancer free as it stands, two more is good insurance, not to mention they will do scans probably for the next five years to see if I'm still cancer free.  Pet scans are great, but they can't pick up a teeny tiny cancer cell if it's developing.....just to let you in why I'm having to figure any of this out at all.....
   The conversation with the oncologist ended up going well, and I'll hold back anything negative I may want to say, I know with my attitude in the beginning she didn't think I would do much chemo at all.  So her intentions were sound...enough said on that one. Here's the rub, when it comes to making decisions I can get very stuck, I can take a great deal of time picking a dark chocolate bar, or whatever.  These life decisions cause me and likely many people a lot of stress.  This afternoon I realized I couldn't sit here without a plan, and wait til sometime next week to have one.  I thought ok, if they can get me in at the beginning of the week, then I'm in.  Two more I'll do.  It was a coin toss.  If they couldn't I thought maybe I'd go the radiologist route.
   I pick up the phone, after I had tried to find someone, an expert type support line, for someone to talk to, like a 1-800 number.  No go on a couple of those.  Then I thought I will call my shrink, see if I can squeeze in somewhere.  Too late in the day for that.  Oh yes, I'm obsessive, ocd, which means many things in my world.  Unfortunately it doesn't mean that my clothes have to be neatly placed, or my floor scrubbed clean to the point you could eat steak off of it, nope, in other ways....It applies here because I knew I would obsess about this for days.  I needed a plan, a concrete this is what I'm doing plan.
   I called the cancer center, they sent me to voicemail which would get back to me before five.  Then I called back, the doctor had gone home for the day.  I may have told the lady that I wanted to change my mind on the message about chemo since it wasn't set, and I'd wait for the radiologist, instead I started rambling, crying about it all, ending the message with the words spoken quite loudly, "I'm freaking out".
   I got a phone call back from a lady I love who works closely with the doctor and everyone doing scheduling and what not.  I was bawling, and told her my predicament, she was so kind, I asked if I could get in Monday for chemo.  That I was due.  She felt concerned because I was so upset, so I calmed myself and said that the doctor would be good with it, she just wanted me to do more chemo.
 She checked on it, and I'm scheduled for Monday morning.  Then in two weeks my last chemo.  I highly doubt they will want me to do radiation.  Also I need to mention I am aware there are side effects with radiation.  The good news about having small breasts is it likely wouldn't affect them as far as far as cancer occurring in the future which can be an issue because of where the radiation would be pointed.  It would be pointed in the area between my breasts where inside my body I had a tumor at least the size of both of my fists put together.... (I know that because I asked the radiologist when we looked at scans today :)

This is the longest life I have ever known...

                     Note..if this sounds that I am not grateful that the cancer is gone that is not the case, you see I knew the cancer would go all along, I've just been buying time, and doing what I'm suppose too.  I felt I had already won this battle upon finding out, I just would have to walk the journey...sound confusing? between stats and knowing I guess, it's not confusing to me..                                   

   Last night I couldn't sleep.  Aches and pains and I suppose apprehension.  This morning I chugged water, before the scan.  Upon arriving with my mother at the office I got sick.  I nearly thought I was going to have to grab a trash can, but I made it to the bathroom.  Anyway, the empty stomach the water, and maybe nerves.  At that point I didn't feel too nervous though so I'm not sure exactly.
  I then was taken to the weird truck like thing, and they gave me the glucose shot.  I waited forty minutes, not feeling so great, it's a small room.  A bit claustro, etc, etc.  Then it was pet scan time, I layed perfectly still having to pee, but I opted not to after talking to the tech and knowing I'd have to walk back a ways.  Anyway, the scan takes around fifteen minutes, I was very still, just thinking and thinking and thinking...The glucose attaches to the sugar I think and causes cancer to light up if it's present.
  Fast forward through all that, my mom and I were waiting at my house today for the phone call.  So get this nonsense, a nurse calls and I give the phone to my mom, she had told me the scan was clear, but I wanted my mom to talk to her too, I was emotional, and needed her to confirm the news, so the nurse says I'm clear to go on to radiation..
  I am crying, grateful, no more chemo, and I  go into the bathroom, whatever, and come out and my celly is ringing again and my mom answers it.  I knew they were calling back.  They sure were, they were calling back to say under the "Best Practice" dealio (some doctor thing or some shit)  that I need to do 4 more chemo's.  This had never been brought to our attention.  So this is the deal, my scans came up clear, but they want to be extra extra sure that I'm in the clear.  The scan was clear and they want to do radiation anyway, which was the extra sure procedure they had told me about before. This was the extra precaution I thought, after a clear scan. The radiation is suppose to sweep up anything that maybe wasn't seen, or whatever.  So in my mind why this now? Why more chemo? oh yeah because of the "Best Practice" act or whatever that they never told us about.
   Anyway, I have been on an emotional roller coaster.  I do not wish to do 4 more chemo treatments, I will do the radiation as stated.  I have to talk to them on Friday.  Or the actual doctor.
  Yes, I should be jumping up and down for joy because nothing came up on the scan.  And that is super great, but I don't want to do more chemo.  I am sure if your reading this you get that by now.
  More than anything (ok not more than anything), I want everyone to shut their mouth (no one's opened it yet) and let me make my own choice.  I don't want to hear, oh just do four more.  Or this or that.  I know most people mean well, but they can save it.  I am going through this.  And my logic says, hey the scan is clear lets do the radiation and call it good.  All of this crap has gone against the grain of me, but I've done it.  I swear some people would swim in a pool of drano if a doctor told them too.  I sort of feel like one of those people at this point.  It's so weird, that all of a sudden they drop this on me.  I really don't believe they lied to me, it's as if some guidelines were changed very recently.  Whatever the hell the situation is, I want to make a choice and feel comfortable with it...
  We were very clear with our communication about if this scan was clear, then on to radiation.  Talk about bizarre.
  Maybe I'll say something, like I know intuitively that I'm not sterile yet from the chemo and I strongly feel that more chemo will reek havoc on my uterus, ovaries, etc.  That's the messed up thing, I feel like I have to build a case against the doctor, and it's my life.  At this point I don't even know if I want to have kids, but that sounds good.  "Hey it's not your fertility we are messing with, it's not your body!"  Or maybe I'll look at her dead in the eye and say "I'd rather go swimming in a pool of drano".  That be random and weird....oh I'm emotionally spent, my back feels like it's in knots, and the title of this entry came into my mind earlier, and I don't know why, but it feels so.  This is the longest life I have ever known.

zone

  Alrighty...tomorrow I will be preparing for the pet scan the following day.  No carbs, lots of water, blah, blah and blah.  After a grip of days of being wiped out and zoning on netflix, I think I'm back in action.  A few good friends came over at different times today. My mom has been over, she's been so much help, a constant, I am definitely blessed!  One friend just stopped over early today which was great as I had to run to my room and get dressed.  (I'm really into yoga pants and the like this week).  Getting officially dressed does wonders I have found.  Years ago I had a boyfriend and we would laugh at people that would be out in pajama bottoms.  Not so much in a cruel way, but well, anyway now I have an appreciation for those people, except I generally try and make it look like planned lazy attire. (workout sweat type stuff, not pajama bottoms with snowflakes or anything) Back to the point, between spending time with my mom and a few friends today, and feeling better, well it was a very nice day.
  And the days before?  I'm not quite sure what those were. I don't think I've ever zoned on t.v. quite like that before.  Episodes of this, episodes of that, foreign films, films from the U.S. on and on, oh and of course sleep was thrown in there.
  I have told myself I will have acceptance around whatever happens.  I do know my nature and I'm afraid I'm bullshitting myself.  You know what? It sounds good.... :)  Oh I suppose I have gone out a little bit, but not so much the last grip of days.  The last week had it's rough points, I think I just had to take time for me and go through what I had to go through.  Naturally I don't know what's next, but I do feel in this moment a bit stronger to actually move forward.  For now there really is nothing more I wish to say except thanks again for all the love! <3 <3 <3

"...if she breaks she won't even know it.."

  Post cry....well I probably am not done.  I just realized that I am pretty much terrified.  I remember the night I came back from the hospital and knew there was something, a mass over my heart, lung area.  All night I was up.  I use to do drugs back in the 60's (sounds good, just flip the 6..and yeah whatever) anyway all night it reminded me of a bad acid trip.  I didn't want something foreign inside of me, I knew something was wrong, it was terrible.  And I use to model, and I loved it, just freelance stuff, had some opps with agencies, a decent one in Portland some years ago.  So many things have come my way, but I'm not the mentally stablest tool in the shed when it comes down to it. I passed many of that type of thing up. Those who know, know (loola I am)...so I just scaled my modeling gigs down, and had a great time.  Minutes ago, it was like that acid feeling, where the hell is my hair.  I want my hair back, this makes me so sad right now, and I know it's dumb in ways.  I am tired of wearing doll hair, sometimes I'll be out and all of a sudden I will feel really obscure.... And it's been hard of late, because throughout all this, there has been a handful of modeling jobs offered, and even some movie casting call thing or two.  There's been a handful of those throughout the years, little independent films... As a very young person that was my dream to act, but when I modeled it was like a moment held forever in time.  And people have so many creative, amazing ideas.... and why am I going off about this... apparently I would like to shoot....ha!
   Anyway, the point really underneath all this, is that I am so scared about this scan in a week.  And it's the day after chemo, I feel like shit right about now.  I am so exhausted, and I've done nothing, I watched several episodes of some show and just tuned out.
  While I was lying in my bed, I thought of how what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger, yet we are all just going to die anyway.  So what? I'll be extra strong by the time I croak.  Give me a break.  It's all really crashing down on me.  I can't handle too much stress, I am not interested in going to the nutty bin...as this girl I know use to call it.  Also how much do I have to suffer? How much does one have too? Have I filled my quota in this life?.... This is likely too much info, but who cares.  I look at some people I know and there lives seem to have had little bumps, and I know that comparing is ridiculous.
  Anyway thank God, for the great people in my life.  And most of all I have to thank God for my mother, my amazing mom.  I called her, and she is truly a wonderful, amazing, enlightened being.  I love all my family, and my friends.  Many of my friends, well they are all great.  I don't think they know what this is like, how can anyone else unless they are going through it.  Plus, I think often I carry it all well.  But right now I am scared, but what do you do, call everyone you know and tell them how scared you are? It makes me smile, even as my eyes are still wet.   I will write instead.  This next week will truly be about mindfully living in the moment.  I did start to get pissed about how people can be, then a bit later, I realized just how many people are praying for me, and that means a lot to me.  Truly it does.  Even people at a point, maybe even still, in South America are or were praying for me.
  The true problem is that I have done 8 of these treatments and I don't want to do any more.  And I'm in the future instead of right here, right now.  And it could be great news next week.....I swear to you know who, that having headcase issues and dealing with this right now is not feeling like a good mixture. (though maybe this isn't related, duh I am fighting cancer, who wouldn't freak from time to time) I'm amazed I've coped up to this point, that nutty bin comment wasn't just said in jest.....
  I am looking at this card, on the front is a mannequin, it's from a small fashion show I did years ago. Did a few of those throughout history. Right now I wish I was that mannequin, frozen, she will never age you know? She won't go crazy, she won't have addiction problems, she won't get cancer, nor any other ailments, and best of all if she breaks she won't even know it.

Prattling

  Today was an emotional day.  Wow, I think I had a few crying jags.  Chemo went alright until I got all emotional.  I think I crashed off my Starbucks or something, I was only hooked up to a not serious drug I think at that point, so it wasn't from that... I started going off to my mom and the nurse about the reasons I didn't want to do more of those treatments if the scan didn't come up clear.  I love my nurse lady, but all her valid points in the world could make hardly any difference to me.  So I sat there, in my latest wig, which by the way makes me feel like one of the Judd's. Both brownish ones are sort of country style to me, lol.  Something about that color...anyway back to my whining....I started to cry.  I so want things to just flow smoothly, and it's getting closer, and I'm not feeling to enthused.  I don't think it was too long I let the tears flow, but I found myself begging God/Universe right about then.  I don't like to beg God, and/or bargain.  I've done my fair share likely.  There is something so not authentic perhaps when I go down that route.  But today I did a bit of begging as I sat in that chair.  And all that healing poison dripped on down into my veins, I kept my head turned most of the time.
   Also my cell counts are dropping, but they were ok enough to do chemo today...which was ideal.  I'm blessed so many times over and I know that.... but I feel emotionally tapped.  I want to arrange the whole show regarding this in life, and I know that God holds the greater picture.  I need to keep my spiritual focus, there have been times I have gotten so angry at god in my life.  Not really with this, but there is this part of me, that wants to say, you love us all, so you love me, prove it now!!!   Which is ridiculous....I am one of the universe's largest brats, just bratty, yet I do strive to be a better person.  And prattling on about this...is just that....I think all the stuff in the chemo must make me emotional at times, or maybe it's just stress.
  On a positive note, this blog has had a great deal of readers.  So that's good news, it's only been up three months, and the numbers look good.  You'd think I was putting money on stocks or something...lol....but what the heck they really do... and my mom is going to show me how to add meta tags so that it comes up in searches, the ultimate goal, is if someone has this type of experience, and is going wtf, they can stumble across it, much how I have other blogs on the topic.  Hodgkin's Lymphoma is kind of obscure nationally, not a very high percentage in the scheme of things that get it, if I've done my research correctly.  And forever and ever, I will never forget how crazy it is to be told you only have a month to live, that you'll drown basically if you don't get on treatment.  And here I am.....feeling sad, but still breathing...... I told myself I wouldn't write when to tired, but I don't think I've complained ALL that much on here, and it's important I believe to be real... which I have been, but I also didn't want to be dramatic, which I can be prone to be.  Trying to keep it on the level... oh yes, I'm a dramatic sort, but maybe not quite like your thinking..... I like to say, to breathe is drama.... (least in my world ;)

"Deep Like That"

  2012.  Here we are...chemo is back day after tomorrow.  Two weeks flies in my world. So anyone reading, I really could use all your vibes and/or prayers.  healing light, good juju, you get it.  After this round I have a scan to see if it's all gone...I have already stated this, but it's not that many days away now.  January 11, 2012.  I don't know if I've been scared or not.  Quite likely yes, I don't want this process to drag on and on.  It is not in my control entirely.  Positive thinking, visualization all of that is good, but how good is it when inside I feel as if I'm faltering and doubtful in ways about this test?
  On an up note, I feel like I've risen to the challenge of all this bullshit.  And yes, it's an amazing learning experience or a learning experience, but it is a whole lot of bullshit.  I've done the wig thing, and proven I'm not a total vain being in ways.  I've eaten the nausea away.  I've dealt with pain.. this that and the rest.  Hot flashes...blah, blah, and blah...
  For some reason in a way I feel if I didn't get the lesson in all of this well enough then it will go on.  Many would be of the school of thought that it's not deep like that.  I'm not so sure most life experiences aren't "deep" like that.
 
Naturally I don't know who the anonymous people who comment are, but thank you for your words and support as well as my friends that have posted on here.... and everyone who reads!!! thank you