Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I got a phone call from a woman at the cancer center. A girl I had met before left me a birthday card. The woman offered to mail it to me, which works great. I don't really want to go into that office right now. I feel so sad. I don't like this whole mortal thing. Thinking of people that may not be so lucky. And seriously, my body must be craving the drugs in the chemo, the hormones, whatever, I am so tired and emotional. I feel like I need to find a detox for myself.
Speaking of detox I haven't divulged that I have indulged in my addictive drinking patterns. I hope that has come to an end. I am taking measures to not live that lifestyle. I can't go back into all that. The irony of getting cancer and being so healthy, then picking up habits I previously had is ridiculous. Habits I had abandoned for quite some time.
I know that I'm in this emo space, and it will pass. I keep looking at many other lives and comparing myself to them and that's dangerous territory. We all have different things to contend with. My plate has been very full. Between manic depression, addiction, cancer and other things in life, it's almost laughable. I am no doubt depressed, hormonal, whatever...
I realize this will pass. I really don't feel like talking to that many people. And it's nothing personal.
There are some things in my life, like all lives that have really hurt. I feel so exhausted, I tried to lay down with all my clothes on with no plans of falling asleep in hopes that I would. It didn't work. That doesn't make sense at all I'm sure.
I also want my full identity back. Which is a valuable lesson, my identity is not external. Doing modeling, much of my identity I realize must of been associated with pictures and the like. Long, blonde hair...
The human experience has been something else for me. A lot of wonderful experiences, but some seriously hard shit as well. I am not alone, many have experienced difficult times. I suppose it's what I am going to do with it all now that counts. I don't want to become bitter. And to be honest there are points I am so bitter when I think about some things. Talking to God helps, and people close to me. They understand.
Art helps, I look at tons of art and photography. Just zone out....
Also I find it hard the way people treat others, this is a lesson I learned the hard way in my life. I use to be such a bitch, now I am here and there, but it's not a regular thing I'd say. A lot of that was likely being wasted and sarcastic. Again I do still have my moments, I think I'm only cutthroat when I'm hurt. That's no excuse. Anyhow, I guess that doesn't relate to cancer, but it bothers me. I feel like I want to love others and be loved. If it were only that simple. I can't be validated through other's thoughts of me. It's the love for myself that will help me heal inside. It's funny, many people could love me and I'd focus on the one person that doesn't. Why is that?
I know I have to work on some of these emotional and spiritual issues for a few reasons. And I will because that's what I do. I constantly think of the Grateful Dead lyric "You find light in the strangest of places if you look at it right," it is so true, there are some friends, that I really don't even want to associate with anymore because of how they were while I went through this. Then on the bright side so many people were totally there for me, a few of which I wouldn't necessarily have thought. There in small ways and big ways... I do realize others don't know how to necessarily deal with it, and they have lives of their own. But in a way, my old self would say, you can fuck straight off...ok my now self, lol. I won't though, because it wouldn't do any good, and my goal is to rise above in love.... it's difficult.
Oh that's right I did tell a couple people exactly what I thought. I remember vaguely being drugged up in the hospital and flipping out on a guy friend over the phone. Then months later saw him at a coffee shop, he acted so odd that, I grabbed his art pencil off the table and drew a huge x across his picture. Then walked off with a friend. Ok and yes, I did go off a bit to a few. People are surprising, I have found you can be there for them when the chips are down, but this in no way means they will be there for you. But would I change that characteristic of being there for people? I don't think so....I'd likely be there again for those same people if they needed me. Who knows....I'm rambling.....
The song above I love~ <3 <3 <3