And....

  I didn't think of after chemo was finished.  Withdrawals of sorts from the steroids and what not they put in there.  For some nights in bed it felt like my feet were achy and restless, it was a weird feeling.  Now I think that my sleep has been affected somewhat.  Everything is just a bit off yet.  I know things will regulate and I can hardly wait until they do.  I'm sure this is worse for others and maybe others don't notice.
  It feels good to be done with it all.  I'm thankful that things have worked out the way they have.  I am blessed.  Not everyone is so lucky.  I ran into someone that I had met through this ordeal, and her trials are much more difficult.  I feel sad for her, and have an empathy I'm not sure I would have cultivated had I not experienced all of this.  There is nothing I can do but be there if she needs me or any help.  I'm kind of scared to get too close to her, but fear will not keep me away.  This is sad to think about, I just wanted to update.  Overall life is good...I just had my birthday yesterday.... wooo hoo!!

~m

So...

  So that port removal didn't hurt besides the shots to numb the area, or that's what I thought, lol.  And those hurt, but I was wrong, I'm not such a trooper.  I seriously have felt like I have a gunshot wound (I don't know what a gunshot wound feels like, but I'm just near positive this is in the semi-ballpark, ...maybe, ) since the shots wore off last night.  That definitely hurts, and is hurting.  I didn't want to misrepresent if someone with cancer reads this and thought it doesn't end up hurting.  I'm not sure if I stretched the area out or something, but it is not comfortable.  So between dealing with a light pain patch that wore off and the port removal last night, I didn't sleep much.  The realization that oh yeah they cut into your skin, that's got to hurt, hit me later than sooner.
   just thought I'd give a little fyi update....whining about that ;)

~m

  Yay!!! Today I got my teletubby port removed.  They put me to sleep to implant it, but  I was awake for the removal.  They used  a local A.  I can't spell that word right this second and don't care to look it up.  They thought I was a trooper, they are right.  I love the bandage they use that's clear, I thought they painted it on, but I guess not.  I was grumpy at first, hungry and irritated all around.  Then I snapped out of it.  I kept the port, it has a long tube that runs to the heart.  I thought that part was cool.  Otherwise I'm banning cancer items.
   For example, the gum I have chewed when they've cleaned the port, I never want to chew again.  The body wash I have used during this period will always remind me of this time.  So now I'm back to my Elizabeth Arden stuff I love, it must have been hiding some months ago.  I have used gallon buckets of hand sanitizer over the last while, I'm going to ease up on that.  I'm kind of hooked now though, lol.  I am taking a major rest on ginger products.  Though I still love ginger.  Ginger ale, ginger chews, ginger this and ginger that.  I'm done worrying about catching a flippin' cold, or about worrying if my friends and/or their kids are sick.  I only cared so much because I was all about getting the chemo over with.  Only a couple times did I hold up a paper mask to my face.  I'm that social, not much will get in my way.  Thank God I'm doing as well as I am.  I am well now!!!  No more triple shot Americano's either, that was likely a no no, but I had to carry on.
  Oh there is so much I feel will change now.  My hair is growing, has been very slow.  I hope that picks up, but one day I'll have long hair again.  For now, I won't gripe.  Only this single second. :)  I'm totally a wig girl, only a few have seen me without and no one else will.  Not that I can't rock the Demi G.I. Jane look, but I'm a Rapunzel girl.  That's just me.
  My scar a couple inches long has faded, by my collarbone area.  I don't care what it does.  Not far below is a red, tidy gash from today.  Everything else was done with needles, the biopsies.
  Yesterday I met a lady who had seen me before, she wanted to talk.  It felt good to hug her and share my experience.  She was upset, if nothing else I can share my experience, and sometimes it's the littlest things or you'd think are, that scare people the most.  Myself included.

  In three months I have a pet scan to see that all is well.  So yay!!!!  Sorry this is scattered, and poorly written, but you get the jist.... My birthday is in 11 days, I have been joking around saying, "I survived another year."

Feeling more like myself again, ..... <3 <3 <3

~m

Update

  I will have a blood draw on Wednesday.  Last Tuesday I had my last chemo and it left me feeling not so great overall.  I will update this blog as things occur, and likely on my thoughts about this all.  In a few weeks or so I will have another scan.  I don't really care to do this scan, all should be fine.  I currently want them to remove the port, or the teletubby plug as I call it, from near my right shoulder.  I am sure the doctor will want to wait on removing this, but I will insist that it be removed.  It's my body right? right.  Actually I'm not going to even go into the port topic any further.
  Today I feel like I am in a funk.  I believe there is a certain wtf now feeling after going through all that I have been through regarding this topic.  There are ideas I find interesting in life but just not interesting enough right now.  Before all of this, I went through a period of really not wanting to do the whole life thing anymore.  Then I fought for it, no that's not right, I walked through what I had to and here I am now.  Obviously I wanted to live more than another month.
  I am sure my hormones are going crazy.  I find out in a couple months if I am menopausal, lol.  Even with the tests they do though there are no guarantees on the results they give me.  It could take about a year to know about all that.  If I did go through menopause it wasn't so bad.  I had some hot flashes, and yeah that's about it.  I don't really think I went through it.
  I do know this, I would like to get out of here at some point soon.  I'm sure it will happen.  Even if I don't go far I need a break from the scenery here.  I need a month off from doctors.  It was funny they tried to schedule me for more chemo and I looked at the secretary type person and said fuck this, meaning the schedule she handed me.  At that point I hadn't seen the words chemo written in there, once I noticed as I was hooked up to the bags I called to her (she's great btw, I love her) she came over and I held out the schedule and ripped it  a third of the way apart.  I basically told her she could have that part back I wasn't doing it.  She was awesome and laughed and understood.  I had already committed to two extra treatments not four.  Likely it was left in the system.
  Anyway friends have asked about this blog, and I will keep it going.  I'd love to change the title but the ultimate reason for writing is in hopes of helping another or others.  A handful of people in my life have suggested I should write a book.  The ones that know the many facets that make up my life. This blog I haven't applied myself in a literary fashion.  In regards to writing, I don't know about the pieces of my life, they are with everyone I know.  There's no doubt it would be interesting... Anyway I may switch it up and veer from the topic at hand, people can go through the past entries...I don't really know, but I do know this, I hope not to think about this forever.

Mica's mom updating

Hi, this is Mica's mother typing as she is having difficulty using this computer--hers broke and she wants to throw this one out the window.  Anyway, I had my last chemo treatment yesterday.  I am running on about two hours of sleep.  I am going to skip the details for now and write more about it when I get my new laptop.  I feel renewed in the sense that there are some modeling opportunities on the horizon, so I have something to look forward to and this enables me to set some personal goals.  Overall, just checking in.  Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers!

More to come as I fill in the details and follow through with scans, etc.  May you never ever have this experience.  Love you!

Peace

  Ahh I am at peace now.  Too make a long story semi-short, I talked to one of the doctors here in town, where I go.  He feels confident that I'll be fine in doing ten treatments.  I can rest easy now, and stop ping ponging in my mind.  This feels SO GOOD!!!!
   I am excited to move on with my life.  That's it :)

Ping Pong

  Back and forth in my mind I keep going.  That extra four treatments I can't get out of my mind, one of which I have done.  I finally thought just research it, and got the American Cancer Society on the phone. They will look up stats.  I really feel it's unnecessary to dump more toxins in my body after doing two extra treatments, yet I doubt myself.  I pulled out all my paperwork, calendars and whatnot what one of my practitioners had written first.  I'm bringing it all in next week, and saying, see this is what you said here if the pet scan was clear...an arrow was drawn to radiation.  Well they don't want to radiate, but I'd rather radiate a few weeks, then go on and on about this chemo crap.  The radiologist seemed to think two extra would be fine.  I am so sick of being an obsessive individual.
  I think about God's role in it all, and then I think have faith, then I flip too the idea that man has tapped into science for a reason.  I'm sorry but a doctor has to say more than we don't know why they like to do four extra on top of your best scan.  Now the A.C.S. can research it and get back to me.  My doctor is excellent, and definitely a chemo pusher.
  Decision making is for the birds!  Anyway, so far this round of chemo isn't horrid, though I've experienced more nausea.  Mild sort of on going throughout today.  Eating helps.  And the first night I was wired for sound, up until like five.  And I'm so hoping the achy stuff that comes in a few days is mild....
   Soon this will all be over.  I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I seriously can't believe it was caught in time in a way.  That's a trip.  I should have known something was up since I wanted to sleep all the time.  Towards the end, before I found out.  Then the achy stuff, I thought was workout (when I was still) related, even went once to the doc, I thought I had hurt myself...oh and then my friend I got a couple massages from her from being sore... and I guess I was getting winded...and depressed.  LMAO....ok so maybe a few signs, a couple flu's it seemed like, etc...etc....and a cough as well.  Weird in one of the pics my trachea was totally pushed over....but I am still breathing today!
  I just reread the part about God's role in this, likely I could do a hundred more treatments or next to none...and it would all be whatever's in God's plan...For the record, though I hate chemo, it has saved my life, the way I don't go crazy with all that is denial, and I don't research it and the side effects..I know the major ones, but for some reason all seems well.  :)

~m