Update

This new blogger set up is ridiculous!!!!  Anyway, all is well, I meet with the nurse practitioner at the end of October to go over blood work....I am in remission still, well for 5 years, I think I mentioned that, then I'm a survivor...survivor now!  I am thinking I will have a pet scan again within a few months, and this blood work will be an overview of hormones, etc.  My hair is pixie length, let's see life is good, I'm as good as I once was.  Living life and loving life....

Hello!!

Hello everyone, I just wanted to touch bases.  I am doing very well.  I believe I have another pet scan in a few months.   I better check on that.  My hair is growing, it's sort of like twiggy style right now.  I am still all about wearing a wig, though I don't need to.  What else pertains... my cycles seem to be on track as far as girly stuff.  Oh yes, I will be getting a hormone check, that will likely tell me if I am still fertile.  I have a feeling that I am, but on that front I am not super worried.  I use to want kids so desperately, but the more I am around them, I enjoy them for awhile, but they equal a life's dedication worth of work the way I see it.  Who knows, whatever is in God's plan for me.  I am still sober, this is a good thing, I am trying to be active on that front, as I know for me it's the better way to live, and I'm sure those around me would concur... alright, that's all for now, I hope you all are doing well, and thank you for all the support!!!!


~m

Blogger is annoyingly improved!  Anyway, I don't know if I wrote this here, but my scan came back clear!!! I am so relieved.  I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and my blood work looked good.  Also, I had forgotten but apparently I am considered in remission, until 5 clear years have passed.  I am very grateful too be doing so well.  My hair is growing, it is still very short, but yay it's growing!!!  I overall am doing well.  My body is still regulating hormone wise but that will take some time I believe.  I also learned yesterday how to do a breast exam as I never really paid attention though it's beyond simple, learned at one time and forgotten.  Life is moving along, it is nice that there is life after an event of this magnitude in ones life.  Also, I just started taking biotin in addition to a liquid calcium type supplement for your hair, skin and bones I think it is.  I take other vitamins as well, mainly to get my hair to grow more quickly.  I would do research on this for yourself to see what is best for you.  I just wanted to update that all is well.
  I do think of my friend that passed recently and other people that are struggling.  My prayers go out to you, or them, or both, you know what I mean.  Thanks for all the love and support.  <3
~m

Scan scheduled for Friday

  The woman I know passed away yesterday.  Her faith was strong, and I don't believe she was scared.  Every life story is different.  Anyway, as I talked to her, while she was asleep, I told her I'd get that scan, (among tons of other things I said) I was there for many hours, I should have been more available, or tried harder while she was alive, but all things fall together as they are suppose to, she made an impact on me.  Anyway, she is better now I believe.
   So I would have gotten the scan anyway, but I was freaking out about it a bit, so now I'm doing it, just facing my fears.  This is the pet scan, they inject you with the glucose I think it is, wait about 45 minutes or so?  Then get the scan, I also have to see the doctor again, within the next couple weeks, which I will do, get a lab done.  Yay, keep on trucking..... :)

My mother always says a proverb I think it is... "Go straight to the heart of the fire, for there you will find safety"
 

Well......

  A friend, that I didn't get to know well is on her last days it looks like.  I haven't been able to get through to her on the phone of late, though there was a bit of a lag of time that I hadn't talked to her.  I just found out she is in fact not doing well, and so I feel it's important to go talk to her, even if she's not awake, if you will.  I knew this was coming, and it is sad, but she is a woman strong in her faith, and I think even now she is okay.  I don't know if I will go more than once.  I don't know.
  Cancer is running rampant among people.  I always heard of people getting it, and I know it's not just because I have had it, that I notice more, but seriously everywhere I turn someone else is having this to contend to.
I have been stressing out because I'm suppose to do a scan, oh pretty much about now.  I really don't want to do this.  Knowing my personality I will.  The idea of follow up scans I would insist on anyone else doing, but when it comes to me, I just don't want to.  I will skip the reasons why.
   As far as follow up on this blog, I still wear a wig, my hair is growing but it is short, and I'm not a female that will do the super short hair look.  As far as the rest of me, I'm over a couple months sober, the last few days have been depressed.  Still contend with manic depression, and it's not a picnic.  I have had 3 periods since my body went haywire during chemo, my body is balancing out, this does not guarantee that I am able to have children, though likely it is a good sign.  The older I get, I'm not so sure about kids anyway.  So, that is a brief update...leaving out quite a lot I suppose.. but I don't care to talk about this topic all that much unless it can directly benefit someone else.  Then I want to, as then it means something, this whole experience means something, if I can be there for another.

Dance

 Well things are going really well.  For this I am grateful.  I feel I should update.  Here's the too much info part, for any women out there post chemo, I had another menstrual cycle, eighteen days after the first one I had post chemo.  It may take time for my body to regulate, or I'm, well who really knows.  If it get's to out of hand I'll check into it, I plan on getting my hormone's checked anyway, though I don't believe those tests to be all that reliable unless done like daily or something, that's just my take.  Still it would lend some insight, seems the ranges are to broad.... enough of that part.
  Yesterday I think it was, I was pondering what I've learned out of all this, that kind of thing.  Then I felt old, and said so aloud to myself, basically as if that's one major thing I have come to see.    And then last night I went out and danced really a lot, it was so what I needed, to just dance.  It's a part of me, I've loved to dance for years, and years, so that was really great.  The "old" feeling dissipated..yay!
  I did see someone I've known for years, he's quite a bit older, anyway I had seen him at the cancer center but wasn't sure it was him until his name was called.  Anyway, I very briefly said hellos in passing and then later felt rude, but the very last thing I wanted to do was talk about cancer.  I am so burnt out on it.  Maybe another time, I know it's an assumption on my part he'd want to talk about that, but I wasn't taking any chances.  Not while I was out trying to have fun....

  So anyway, I'm still not sure what I've learned in it's entirety, or what it's all been for, but I do know this, I am not old, and even if I was, age is just a number, I have to keep dancing, and living.....also I was going through this really feeling boxed in for different reasons, but I want to and am choosing to believe that with God anything and all things are possible, and I am grateful!  oh yeah, still sober... it feels good, though oh how I love to party.... haha :)  fun pictures, great bands, wonderful people!! <3 love you and thanks for reading <3 <3 <3  it's early, I'm lazy, I was going to attach pics...but they are up on facebook, if you wish to look :)  ......love this song....

Thoughts.....

                                        I don't think I posted this video, but either way I like this song.......

Not too far down the road I am suppose to have that pet-scan update.  I really don't want to do this.  I want to ignore it, just let time slip away.  A part of me hopes that the doctors won't contact me for follow up.
  It's been difficult to be around groups of people that I hadn't been around in many months.  Their inquiries are too much.  At times I get defensive, then once recently emotional and I just lost it and started to cry.  Being in recovery, many people mean well with their questions, but sometimes I think people are just nosy.  It's very frustrating, for me to be kind with their questions, at times next to impossible it feels and I just turn bitchy.  I think in time all this will pass.  I really hope so.  Certain things don't just end for me because they are over.  I am sure many people feel this way.  Will I get this scan?  More than likely, yet I really, don't want too.  You know that whole ignorance is bliss deal.  I don't know that I've been as ignorant as I'd truly like to be, lol.  Sure, likely in ways, I don't have it all figured out, but once you know, you can't just pretend you don't.
  The most important part is to stay in the now.  This seems so hard for me... I am trying to take better care of myself, though it hasn't been perfect.  Doing what I can do...I am sober at this time, I really want to want to be sober more.  In time I believe this will happen.  I have loved sober living before and I know I will again.  It may not even be that so much, (well in ways) but having sleep issues leaves me grumpy a lot, drained, which doesn't make for a happy camper.  Definitely not for me, I've been too on edge.  I just have to keep on trucking.  :)