Wednesday, December 7, 2011

"....shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right..."

  Funny!  I had quit smoking in March, well when I found out I had cancer naturally I started having drags here and there.  Well every week I fill out paperwork on my symptoms, and it has a smoking line to check, I just write in drags if I've had any, which isn't always.  This week, my oncologist came into the room and looked concerned and weird, after the nurse left she looked at me and asked about drugs.  Pointed to the paper that had been passed off to her, (I love this woman), I just started laughing and said draaaaags.  My mom and her were laughing as well, it was a riot. What's funny to me is I've written drags before, but my A must of looked like a U, I pretty much told her I was hitting the crack pipe, not to worry..lol, jk!
  Anyway I was going to put a picture up of my teletubby port, but I'll spare you for now.  I am tired of that thing, under my skin.  Anyway at chemo, the nurses were surrounded around exchanging stories, I do love that aspect and those people are some of the greatest I've met in a very long time.  I love my nurse and she's the head.  And the little English volunteer with her thick accent is a RIOT!!!  Some of her stories on what words mean there and what they mean here and the predicaments, way too funny.
  I am definitely blessed things could be a lot worse.  I definitely know what I need to do and am learning to do, is be mindful in the moment.  Not be living in the past, nor wondering the future, but to be LIVING in the moment.  I also recognize that it would be wise to appreciate who is there as a good friend, even just a phone call or a text, instead of focusing on what I see as "not good" enough in some situations.  And it's like the song lyrics "Once in awhile you get shown the light in the strangest of places, if you look at it right." Originally by Grateful Dead, a great song, "Scarlet Begonias"...  I was just sitting here thinking of a friend, friends that are great people, and one for example has a grip of kids, and she remembers things and is so attentive and doesn't even live here, both her and her husband have always been good to me.  Or another that always reads this, and people that no matter how busy they are can still pick up the phone.  I also have realized, that I can pick up the phone, and yes I'm a bit demanding (duh,) but it does go both ways....My addict personality generally says more, more, MORE in lots of categories, (working on it, and LOTS, lol)  I realize that some of my needs can only be filled through my spirituality, my connection with all that jazz....
  Anyway I digress into my own truckload of issues.  I should have two chemo's left, and that's the attitude people have around me, but it does cause me some stress, and I know in this life I have to be prepared for whatever.  I would be lying if I didn't tell you I hadn't mentally ticked off the best case scenario and worst time wise on my calendar.
  Well I'm drinking a green smoothie that's awesome, in a couple hours it's time for shot number six in the tummy....then toss on a pain patch...and see how it goes.  Oh yeah, as I was laying in bed this morning feeling bleh, I thought to myself, I so easily could have just kept walking around another month and dropped dead.  I must be here for a reason.  Maybe I've said that before... but the odds were so high to drop dead very quickly and I didn't, and I wasn't that in need it felt like to go to the doctor, it felt like a fluke, and I felt silly for even going. I called my mom and asked if I should even bother... and had she not encouraged me, I'd likely be a goner.   btw my mom is very amazing..if you didn't know that....
  So maybe my reason is to be here ??????? a million and one more things, who knows? It doesn't really matter....I think I'm needed on earth for awhile...here's that song....

7 comments:

  1. totally loved the way you wrote, to live in THIS moment, because now, in this moment is not so bad. and this moment even if it's bad it will pass & not repeat again!

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  2. You said it!!! it will not repeat again!..... I'm loving thinking like that, and thanks :)

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  3. I'm glad your making your way through the last stretch of dense forest.

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  4. in the strangest of places if you look at it right! has to be one of my favorite lines in any Dead song - and so true! I love you Mica, and there sure is a reason for you to be here. I would think it is pretty cathartic for you to be able to write about your experiences - keep doing so! Today is the solstice and the light returns, let it shine, shine, shine! much love ><}}}>

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  5. For those here and those yet to come...find strength. Healing karma for all those in need.

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