Blogger is annoyingly improved!  Anyway, I don't know if I wrote this here, but my scan came back clear!!! I am so relieved.  I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and my blood work looked good.  Also, I had forgotten but apparently I am considered in remission, until 5 clear years have passed.  I am very grateful too be doing so well.  My hair is growing, it is still very short, but yay it's growing!!!  I overall am doing well.  My body is still regulating hormone wise but that will take some time I believe.  I also learned yesterday how to do a breast exam as I never really paid attention though it's beyond simple, learned at one time and forgotten.  Life is moving along, it is nice that there is life after an event of this magnitude in ones life.  Also, I just started taking biotin in addition to a liquid calcium type supplement for your hair, skin and bones I think it is.  I take other vitamins as well, mainly to get my hair to grow more quickly.  I would do research on this for yourself to see what is best for you.  I just wanted to update that all is well.
  I do think of my friend that passed recently and other people that are struggling.  My prayers go out to you, or them, or both, you know what I mean.  Thanks for all the love and support.  <3
~m

Scan scheduled for Friday

  The woman I know passed away yesterday.  Her faith was strong, and I don't believe she was scared.  Every life story is different.  Anyway, as I talked to her, while she was asleep, I told her I'd get that scan, (among tons of other things I said) I was there for many hours, I should have been more available, or tried harder while she was alive, but all things fall together as they are suppose to, she made an impact on me.  Anyway, she is better now I believe.
   So I would have gotten the scan anyway, but I was freaking out about it a bit, so now I'm doing it, just facing my fears.  This is the pet scan, they inject you with the glucose I think it is, wait about 45 minutes or so?  Then get the scan, I also have to see the doctor again, within the next couple weeks, which I will do, get a lab done.  Yay, keep on trucking..... :)

My mother always says a proverb I think it is... "Go straight to the heart of the fire, for there you will find safety"
 

Well......

  A friend, that I didn't get to know well is on her last days it looks like.  I haven't been able to get through to her on the phone of late, though there was a bit of a lag of time that I hadn't talked to her.  I just found out she is in fact not doing well, and so I feel it's important to go talk to her, even if she's not awake, if you will.  I knew this was coming, and it is sad, but she is a woman strong in her faith, and I think even now she is okay.  I don't know if I will go more than once.  I don't know.
  Cancer is running rampant among people.  I always heard of people getting it, and I know it's not just because I have had it, that I notice more, but seriously everywhere I turn someone else is having this to contend to.
I have been stressing out because I'm suppose to do a scan, oh pretty much about now.  I really don't want to do this.  Knowing my personality I will.  The idea of follow up scans I would insist on anyone else doing, but when it comes to me, I just don't want to.  I will skip the reasons why.
   As far as follow up on this blog, I still wear a wig, my hair is growing but it is short, and I'm not a female that will do the super short hair look.  As far as the rest of me, I'm over a couple months sober, the last few days have been depressed.  Still contend with manic depression, and it's not a picnic.  I have had 3 periods since my body went haywire during chemo, my body is balancing out, this does not guarantee that I am able to have children, though likely it is a good sign.  The older I get, I'm not so sure about kids anyway.  So, that is a brief update...leaving out quite a lot I suppose.. but I don't care to talk about this topic all that much unless it can directly benefit someone else.  Then I want to, as then it means something, this whole experience means something, if I can be there for another.

Dance

 Well things are going really well.  For this I am grateful.  I feel I should update.  Here's the too much info part, for any women out there post chemo, I had another menstrual cycle, eighteen days after the first one I had post chemo.  It may take time for my body to regulate, or I'm, well who really knows.  If it get's to out of hand I'll check into it, I plan on getting my hormone's checked anyway, though I don't believe those tests to be all that reliable unless done like daily or something, that's just my take.  Still it would lend some insight, seems the ranges are to broad.... enough of that part.
  Yesterday I think it was, I was pondering what I've learned out of all this, that kind of thing.  Then I felt old, and said so aloud to myself, basically as if that's one major thing I have come to see.    And then last night I went out and danced really a lot, it was so what I needed, to just dance.  It's a part of me, I've loved to dance for years, and years, so that was really great.  The "old" feeling dissipated..yay!
  I did see someone I've known for years, he's quite a bit older, anyway I had seen him at the cancer center but wasn't sure it was him until his name was called.  Anyway, I very briefly said hellos in passing and then later felt rude, but the very last thing I wanted to do was talk about cancer.  I am so burnt out on it.  Maybe another time, I know it's an assumption on my part he'd want to talk about that, but I wasn't taking any chances.  Not while I was out trying to have fun....

  So anyway, I'm still not sure what I've learned in it's entirety, or what it's all been for, but I do know this, I am not old, and even if I was, age is just a number, I have to keep dancing, and living.....also I was going through this really feeling boxed in for different reasons, but I want to and am choosing to believe that with God anything and all things are possible, and I am grateful!  oh yeah, still sober... it feels good, though oh how I love to party.... haha :)  fun pictures, great bands, wonderful people!! <3 love you and thanks for reading <3 <3 <3  it's early, I'm lazy, I was going to attach pics...but they are up on facebook, if you wish to look :)  ......love this song....

Thoughts.....

                                        I don't think I posted this video, but either way I like this song.......

Not too far down the road I am suppose to have that pet-scan update.  I really don't want to do this.  I want to ignore it, just let time slip away.  A part of me hopes that the doctors won't contact me for follow up.
  It's been difficult to be around groups of people that I hadn't been around in many months.  Their inquiries are too much.  At times I get defensive, then once recently emotional and I just lost it and started to cry.  Being in recovery, many people mean well with their questions, but sometimes I think people are just nosy.  It's very frustrating, for me to be kind with their questions, at times next to impossible it feels and I just turn bitchy.  I think in time all this will pass.  I really hope so.  Certain things don't just end for me because they are over.  I am sure many people feel this way.  Will I get this scan?  More than likely, yet I really, don't want too.  You know that whole ignorance is bliss deal.  I don't know that I've been as ignorant as I'd truly like to be, lol.  Sure, likely in ways, I don't have it all figured out, but once you know, you can't just pretend you don't.
  The most important part is to stay in the now.  This seems so hard for me... I am trying to take better care of myself, though it hasn't been perfect.  Doing what I can do...I am sober at this time, I really want to want to be sober more.  In time I believe this will happen.  I have loved sober living before and I know I will again.  It may not even be that so much, (well in ways) but having sleep issues leaves me grumpy a lot, drained, which doesn't make for a happy camper.  Definitely not for me, I've been too on edge.  I just have to keep on trucking.  :)

Woo Hoo!!!

  I started my you know what!!! This makes me happy.... although it doesn't guarantee fertility, here's a link from a breast cancer site, that is informative.  http://www.breastcancer.org/tips/fert_preg_adopt/treatments/chemotherapy.jsp  I will not choose to read any more on the topic, because I don't want to over think it.  It's just great that after not even two months of finishing chemo I am having a cycle.  Hopefully it's an ongoing thing and not a fluke menopause type deal.  Women who go through menopause have sporadic random periods, and I hope this is not the case for me.

  So this may seem like too much info, but it's part of the process as a female who has gone through chemo treatments... I'm very excited about this, lol.   Keeping my fingers crossed this is my body returning back to it's pre-cancer state :)  That's all for now

~m

This & That

  Things are going well overall.  I'm still detoxing from the chemo.  Drinking lots of tea and sleeping at very late hours quite a lot.  I mean I can't go to sleep until late. Still that will take time to get all of that out of my system.

 I'm thinking of getting my hormone levels checked in a month or two.  Not too concerned about that.

  Of late I have done a shit ton of research on shampoo.  I knew most of it was bad for you as so many has detergent in it, thus making it suds up.  Not to mention all the other harmful ingredients.  After comparing products and reading testimonials on expensive shampoo to inexpensive.  I'm going with the least amount of ingredients.  There was a higher dollar one with essential oils, and then I decided to go with Aubrey Organics (also oils in it), as new hair is like baby hair and I want to be gentle with it.  So, between that, a healthy diet and supplements I think things will be good.  I see all these women with short hair and I don't honestly know how they embrace it.  They look great, really good, but I suppose I just feel that I love what I'm use too.  Whatever my feelings are I will have short hair for awhile.  Maybe I think it works for them, but won't for me....

  The last few days I have slacked on working out because for the most part I have been so exhausted.  Not getting enough sleep hardly makes me want to push myself to work out.  And of course it's ironic because now photographers are contacting me.  I am concerned that I won't feel super into this until my hair is longer.  On the other hand I should just go for it, or switch it up with the wigs.  Actually I've been in contact throughout this ordeal, I think I'd feel it if I was in better shape, and again had my own hair.  Many women model at the size I am, all different sizes, but I really like to be more toned.

 I really am not sure what I will do, but to do it well I have to be rested anyway.  I didn't quite think about post treatment, and how the detox from chemo isn't just "Oh it's over, I'm better now.."

  I am better no doubt about it, but I surely don't feel like my old self.  In time I am sure that I will.  I have been sober so this is good.  It is also hard at points.  It will get easier I know, but even after over two years of being sober, I am near certain that there wasn't a day or many that went by without me thinking about it in some way or another.

  And the last thing on my mind related to all of this is I will have to do another scan in awhile.  I'm sure I don't have to elaborate on how that makes me feel.  Skip that and back to shampoo, it's funny I spent around $50 on a shampoo and conditioner (that was a deal I got as well) and the first ingredient is one of the one's your suppose to watch out for.  There are so many high dollar shampoo's like that, granted this kind didn't have tons of ingredients but just the same.  I know you have to adapt to different shampoo's but I am choosing to adapt to healthier ones for my hair.  I read how I could also make it myself, but I'll skip that, though it wouldn't be hard.  So my selections should arrive soon.  I won't list the labels of one's people think are awesome but probably suck, though they aren't horrid, horrid.

k.....that's it for now :)

~m