Thoughts.....

                                        I don't think I posted this video, but either way I like this song.......

Not too far down the road I am suppose to have that pet-scan update.  I really don't want to do this.  I want to ignore it, just let time slip away.  A part of me hopes that the doctors won't contact me for follow up.
  It's been difficult to be around groups of people that I hadn't been around in many months.  Their inquiries are too much.  At times I get defensive, then once recently emotional and I just lost it and started to cry.  Being in recovery, many people mean well with their questions, but sometimes I think people are just nosy.  It's very frustrating, for me to be kind with their questions, at times next to impossible it feels and I just turn bitchy.  I think in time all this will pass.  I really hope so.  Certain things don't just end for me because they are over.  I am sure many people feel this way.  Will I get this scan?  More than likely, yet I really, don't want too.  You know that whole ignorance is bliss deal.  I don't know that I've been as ignorant as I'd truly like to be, lol.  Sure, likely in ways, I don't have it all figured out, but once you know, you can't just pretend you don't.
  The most important part is to stay in the now.  This seems so hard for me... I am trying to take better care of myself, though it hasn't been perfect.  Doing what I can do...I am sober at this time, I really want to want to be sober more.  In time I believe this will happen.  I have loved sober living before and I know I will again.  It may not even be that so much, (well in ways) but having sleep issues leaves me grumpy a lot, drained, which doesn't make for a happy camper.  Definitely not for me, I've been too on edge.  I just have to keep on trucking.  :)

Woo Hoo!!!

  I started my you know what!!! This makes me happy.... although it doesn't guarantee fertility, here's a link from a breast cancer site, that is informative.  http://www.breastcancer.org/tips/fert_preg_adopt/treatments/chemotherapy.jsp  I will not choose to read any more on the topic, because I don't want to over think it.  It's just great that after not even two months of finishing chemo I am having a cycle.  Hopefully it's an ongoing thing and not a fluke menopause type deal.  Women who go through menopause have sporadic random periods, and I hope this is not the case for me.

  So this may seem like too much info, but it's part of the process as a female who has gone through chemo treatments... I'm very excited about this, lol.   Keeping my fingers crossed this is my body returning back to it's pre-cancer state :)  That's all for now

~m

This & That

  Things are going well overall.  I'm still detoxing from the chemo.  Drinking lots of tea and sleeping at very late hours quite a lot.  I mean I can't go to sleep until late. Still that will take time to get all of that out of my system.

 I'm thinking of getting my hormone levels checked in a month or two.  Not too concerned about that.

  Of late I have done a shit ton of research on shampoo.  I knew most of it was bad for you as so many has detergent in it, thus making it suds up.  Not to mention all the other harmful ingredients.  After comparing products and reading testimonials on expensive shampoo to inexpensive.  I'm going with the least amount of ingredients.  There was a higher dollar one with essential oils, and then I decided to go with Aubrey Organics (also oils in it), as new hair is like baby hair and I want to be gentle with it.  So, between that, a healthy diet and supplements I think things will be good.  I see all these women with short hair and I don't honestly know how they embrace it.  They look great, really good, but I suppose I just feel that I love what I'm use too.  Whatever my feelings are I will have short hair for awhile.  Maybe I think it works for them, but won't for me....

  The last few days I have slacked on working out because for the most part I have been so exhausted.  Not getting enough sleep hardly makes me want to push myself to work out.  And of course it's ironic because now photographers are contacting me.  I am concerned that I won't feel super into this until my hair is longer.  On the other hand I should just go for it, or switch it up with the wigs.  Actually I've been in contact throughout this ordeal, I think I'd feel it if I was in better shape, and again had my own hair.  Many women model at the size I am, all different sizes, but I really like to be more toned.

 I really am not sure what I will do, but to do it well I have to be rested anyway.  I didn't quite think about post treatment, and how the detox from chemo isn't just "Oh it's over, I'm better now.."

  I am better no doubt about it, but I surely don't feel like my old self.  In time I am sure that I will.  I have been sober so this is good.  It is also hard at points.  It will get easier I know, but even after over two years of being sober, I am near certain that there wasn't a day or many that went by without me thinking about it in some way or another.

  And the last thing on my mind related to all of this is I will have to do another scan in awhile.  I'm sure I don't have to elaborate on how that makes me feel.  Skip that and back to shampoo, it's funny I spent around $50 on a shampoo and conditioner (that was a deal I got as well) and the first ingredient is one of the one's your suppose to watch out for.  There are so many high dollar shampoo's like that, granted this kind didn't have tons of ingredients but just the same.  I know you have to adapt to different shampoo's but I am choosing to adapt to healthier ones for my hair.  I read how I could also make it myself, but I'll skip that, though it wouldn't be hard.  So my selections should arrive soon.  I won't list the labels of one's people think are awesome but probably suck, though they aren't horrid, horrid.

k.....that's it for now :)

~m

Detox and a happier day :)

  In this moment I feel better, thank God!!!  I see now that this will be an ongoing process.  I read up on chemo chemicals and they are in your body 6-8 weeks post last chemo treatment.  And I'm sure the affect of the junk lasts even longer.  Since I am not drinking and done with chemo I decided to buy some detox teas.  There are some really high dollar cleanses, but I'm not into it.  Some are good I believe and others gimmicky.
   Anyway, also this is common sense which I read, it's important to drink lots of water and try and make your plates of food look like the color of the rainbow.  This can be difficult at times most definitely, but I'm doing what I can bit by bit.
  I also bought some liquid calcium magnesium so I can hopefully start sleeping better.  That is a product I have sworn by for multiple reasons for some time now.  I feel good about these purchases and didn't spend a ton.  I could have bought independent herb teas that may have packed a different detox punch, but anything I do right now I want to be a gentle approach.
  I also read exercise is good for chemo detox, which I have been doing, though not very hard this week as I've been so tired.  If you have cancer, or are post cancer like me and are reading this, I'd recommend doing your own research of course.  I have to be careful because I can freak myself out, and honestly for me too much information can  get in my head, I don't care for that.
  It feels good to be proactive and do what I can, bit by bit.  Juicing is also really great (recommended), and I have a juicer, but I want to get filters for the inside so it cleans easier.  That may sound so lazy, but it's too tedious to clean.  I still have my Vitamix, and I need to get back into my spinach, etc smoothie habit.  I find I will eat more veggie's if I can drink them.  I did that a lot during chemo, but I'm not sure how much it helps as I believe chemo blows everything good and bad out of it's path.  I probably could have been eating cardboard, and it would have been fine, haha jk...
  Here was some good news, someone that lives nearby with cancer said his is 97% gone!!!  Which is great, he explained the details, and as I parted ways I said I'd pray for him.
  It seems that kind of a lot has happened of late, but I'm doing better today.  I so needed a good day, and am glad I had this one.    :)

~m

Emo

 

  I got a phone call from a woman at the cancer center.  A girl I had met before left me a birthday card.  The woman offered to mail it to me, which works great.  I don't really want to go into that office right now. I feel so sad.  I don't like this whole mortal thing. Thinking of people that may not be so lucky. And seriously, my body must be craving the drugs in the chemo, the hormones, whatever, I am so tired and emotional.  I feel like I need to find a detox for myself.
  Speaking of detox I haven't divulged that I have indulged in my addictive drinking patterns.  I hope that has come to an end.  I am taking measures to not live that lifestyle.  I can't go back into all that.  The irony of getting cancer and being so healthy, then picking up habits I previously had is ridiculous.  Habits I had abandoned for quite some time.
  I know that I'm in this emo space, and it will pass.  I keep looking at many other lives and comparing myself to them and that's dangerous territory.  We all have different things to contend with.  My plate has been very full.  Between manic depression, addiction, cancer and other things in life, it's almost laughable.  I am no doubt depressed, hormonal, whatever...
  I realize this will pass.  I really don't feel like talking to that many people.  And it's nothing personal.

There are some things in my life, like all lives that have really hurt.  I feel so exhausted, I tried to lay down with all my clothes on with no plans of falling asleep in hopes that I would.  It didn't work.  That doesn't make sense at all I'm sure.
  I also want my full identity back.  Which is a valuable lesson, my identity is not external. Doing modeling, much of my identity I realize must of been associated with pictures and the like.  Long, blonde hair...
  The human experience has been something else for me.  A lot of wonderful experiences, but some seriously hard shit as well.  I am not alone, many have experienced difficult times.  I suppose it's what I am going to do with it all now that counts.  I don't want to become bitter.  And to be honest there are points I am so bitter when I think about some things.  Talking to God helps, and people close to me.  They understand.
  Art helps, I look at tons of art and photography.  Just zone out....
Also I find it hard the way people treat others, this is a lesson I learned the hard way in my life.  I use to be such a bitch, now I am here and there, but it's not a regular thing I'd say.  A lot of that was likely being wasted and sarcastic.  Again I do still have my moments, I think I'm only cutthroat when I'm hurt.  That's no excuse.  Anyhow, I guess that doesn't relate to cancer, but it bothers me.  I feel like I want to love others and be loved.  If it were only that simple.  I can't be validated through other's thoughts of me.  It's the love for myself that will help me heal inside.  It's funny, many people could love me and I'd focus on the one person that doesn't.  Why is that?
  I know I have to work on some of these emotional and spiritual issues for a few reasons.  And I will because that's what I do.  I constantly think of the Grateful Dead lyric "You find light in the strangest of places if you look at it right," it is so true, there are some friends, that I really don't even want to associate with anymore because of how they were while I went through this.  Then on the bright side so many people were totally there for me, a few of which I wouldn't necessarily have thought.  There in small ways and big ways... I do realize others don't know how to necessarily deal with it, and they have lives of their own.  But in a way, my old self would say, you can fuck straight off...ok my now self, lol.   I won't though, because it wouldn't do any good, and my goal is to rise above in love.... it's difficult.
  Oh that's right I did tell a couple people exactly what I thought.  I remember vaguely being drugged up in the hospital and flipping out on a guy friend over the phone.   Then months later saw him at a coffee shop, he acted so odd that, I grabbed his art pencil off the table and drew a huge x across his picture.  Then walked off with a friend.  Ok and yes, I did go off a bit to a few.  People are surprising, I have found you can be there for them when the chips are down, but this in no way means they will be there for you.  But would I change that characteristic of being there for people?  I don't think so....I'd likely be there again for those same people if they needed me.  Who knows....I'm rambling.....

The song above I love~ <3 <3 <3

~m

And....

  I didn't think of after chemo was finished.  Withdrawals of sorts from the steroids and what not they put in there.  For some nights in bed it felt like my feet were achy and restless, it was a weird feeling.  Now I think that my sleep has been affected somewhat.  Everything is just a bit off yet.  I know things will regulate and I can hardly wait until they do.  I'm sure this is worse for others and maybe others don't notice.
  It feels good to be done with it all.  I'm thankful that things have worked out the way they have.  I am blessed.  Not everyone is so lucky.  I ran into someone that I had met through this ordeal, and her trials are much more difficult.  I feel sad for her, and have an empathy I'm not sure I would have cultivated had I not experienced all of this.  There is nothing I can do but be there if she needs me or any help.  I'm kind of scared to get too close to her, but fear will not keep me away.  This is sad to think about, I just wanted to update.  Overall life is good...I just had my birthday yesterday.... wooo hoo!!

~m

So...

  So that port removal didn't hurt besides the shots to numb the area, or that's what I thought, lol.  And those hurt, but I was wrong, I'm not such a trooper.  I seriously have felt like I have a gunshot wound (I don't know what a gunshot wound feels like, but I'm just near positive this is in the semi-ballpark, ...maybe, ) since the shots wore off last night.  That definitely hurts, and is hurting.  I didn't want to misrepresent if someone with cancer reads this and thought it doesn't end up hurting.  I'm not sure if I stretched the area out or something, but it is not comfortable.  So between dealing with a light pain patch that wore off and the port removal last night, I didn't sleep much.  The realization that oh yeah they cut into your skin, that's got to hurt, hit me later than sooner.
   just thought I'd give a little fyi update....whining about that ;)