Tuesday, January 3, 2012


  Today was an emotional day.  Wow, I think I had a few crying jags.  Chemo went alright until I got all emotional.  I think I crashed off my Starbucks or something, I was only hooked up to a not serious drug I think at that point, so it wasn't from that... I started going off to my mom and the nurse about the reasons I didn't want to do more of those treatments if the scan didn't come up clear.  I love my nurse lady, but all her valid points in the world could make hardly any difference to me.  So I sat there, in my latest wig, which by the way makes me feel like one of the Judd's. Both brownish ones are sort of country style to me, lol.  Something about that color...anyway back to my whining....I started to cry.  I so want things to just flow smoothly, and it's getting closer, and I'm not feeling to enthused.  I don't think it was too long I let the tears flow, but I found myself begging God/Universe right about then.  I don't like to beg God, and/or bargain.  I've done my fair share likely.  There is something so not authentic perhaps when I go down that route.  But today I did a bit of begging as I sat in that chair.  And all that healing poison dripped on down into my veins, I kept my head turned most of the time.
   Also my cell counts are dropping, but they were ok enough to do chemo today...which was ideal.  I'm blessed so many times over and I know that.... but I feel emotionally tapped.  I want to arrange the whole show regarding this in life, and I know that God holds the greater picture.  I need to keep my spiritual focus, there have been times I have gotten so angry at god in my life.  Not really with this, but there is this part of me, that wants to say, you love us all, so you love me, prove it now!!!   Which is ridiculous....I am one of the universe's largest brats, just bratty, yet I do strive to be a better person.  And prattling on about this...is just that....I think all the stuff in the chemo must make me emotional at times, or maybe it's just stress.
  On a positive note, this blog has had a great deal of readers.  So that's good news, it's only been up three months, and the numbers look good.  You'd think I was putting money on stocks or something...lol....but what the heck they really do... and my mom is going to show me how to add meta tags so that it comes up in searches, the ultimate goal, is if someone has this type of experience, and is going wtf, they can stumble across it, much how I have other blogs on the topic.  Hodgkin's Lymphoma is kind of obscure nationally, not a very high percentage in the scheme of things that get it, if I've done my research correctly.  And forever and ever, I will never forget how crazy it is to be told you only have a month to live, that you'll drown basically if you don't get on treatment.  And here I am.....feeling sad, but still breathing...... I told myself I wouldn't write when to tired, but I don't think I've complained ALL that much on here, and it's important I believe to be real... which I have been, but I also didn't want to be dramatic, which I can be prone to be.  Trying to keep it on the level... oh yes, I'm a dramatic sort, but maybe not quite like your thinking..... I like to say, to breathe is drama.... (least in my world ;)

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