Wednesday, January 11, 2012

This is the longest life I have ever known...

                     Note..if this sounds that I am not grateful that the cancer is gone that is not the case, you see I knew the cancer would go all along, I've just been buying time, and doing what I'm suppose too.  I felt I had already won this battle upon finding out, I just would have to walk the journey...sound confusing? between stats and knowing I guess, it's not confusing to me..                                   

   Last night I couldn't sleep.  Aches and pains and I suppose apprehension.  This morning I chugged water, before the scan.  Upon arriving with my mother at the office I got sick.  I nearly thought I was going to have to grab a trash can, but I made it to the bathroom.  Anyway, the empty stomach the water, and maybe nerves.  At that point I didn't feel too nervous though so I'm not sure exactly.
  I then was taken to the weird truck like thing, and they gave me the glucose shot.  I waited forty minutes, not feeling so great, it's a small room.  A bit claustro, etc, etc.  Then it was pet scan time, I layed perfectly still having to pee, but I opted not to after talking to the tech and knowing I'd have to walk back a ways.  Anyway, the scan takes around fifteen minutes, I was very still, just thinking and thinking and thinking...The glucose attaches to the sugar I think and causes cancer to light up if it's present.
  Fast forward through all that, my mom and I were waiting at my house today for the phone call.  So get this nonsense, a nurse calls and I give the phone to my mom, she had told me the scan was clear, but I wanted my mom to talk to her too, I was emotional, and needed her to confirm the news, so the nurse says I'm clear to go on to radiation..
  I am crying, grateful, no more chemo, and I  go into the bathroom, whatever, and come out and my celly is ringing again and my mom answers it.  I knew they were calling back.  They sure were, they were calling back to say under the "Best Practice" dealio (some doctor thing or some shit)  that I need to do 4 more chemo's.  This had never been brought to our attention.  So this is the deal, my scans came up clear, but they want to be extra extra sure that I'm in the clear.  The scan was clear and they want to do radiation anyway, which was the extra sure procedure they had told me about before. This was the extra precaution I thought, after a clear scan. The radiation is suppose to sweep up anything that maybe wasn't seen, or whatever.  So in my mind why this now? Why more chemo? oh yeah because of the "Best Practice" act or whatever that they never told us about.
   Anyway, I have been on an emotional roller coaster.  I do not wish to do 4 more chemo treatments, I will do the radiation as stated.  I have to talk to them on Friday.  Or the actual doctor.
  Yes, I should be jumping up and down for joy because nothing came up on the scan.  And that is super great, but I don't want to do more chemo.  I am sure if your reading this you get that by now.
  More than anything (ok not more than anything), I want everyone to shut their mouth (no one's opened it yet) and let me make my own choice.  I don't want to hear, oh just do four more.  Or this or that.  I know most people mean well, but they can save it.  I am going through this.  And my logic says, hey the scan is clear lets do the radiation and call it good.  All of this crap has gone against the grain of me, but I've done it.  I swear some people would swim in a pool of drano if a doctor told them too.  I sort of feel like one of those people at this point.  It's so weird, that all of a sudden they drop this on me.  I really don't believe they lied to me, it's as if some guidelines were changed very recently.  Whatever the hell the situation is, I want to make a choice and feel comfortable with it...
  We were very clear with our communication about if this scan was clear, then on to radiation.  Talk about bizarre.
  Maybe I'll say something, like I know intuitively that I'm not sterile yet from the chemo and I strongly feel that more chemo will reek havoc on my uterus, ovaries, etc.  That's the messed up thing, I feel like I have to build a case against the doctor, and it's my life.  At this point I don't even know if I want to have kids, but that sounds good.  "Hey it's not your fertility we are messing with, it's not your body!"  Or maybe I'll look at her dead in the eye and say "I'd rather go swimming in a pool of drano".  That be random and weird....oh I'm emotionally spent, my back feels like it's in knots, and the title of this entry came into my mind earlier, and I don't know why, but it feels so.  This is the longest life I have ever known.


  1. Thank God you had good news. 4 more chemos isn't fun, but atleast your headed in the right direction. Keep on praying and I'll Keep praying for you too. Take Care

  2. Did you read what I wrote? I doubt I'll do those....Have you done chemo before Harlan??? you take care too...thanks for the prayers

  3. Nope I haven't done Chemo before. I think you misunderstood me a little, but I didn't get to finish reading your blog until later. I got distracted and sometimes I can be a little absent minded. We all have our drano pools, some deeper than others. Doctors don't always know everything and the medical profession does make lots of cash "treating" us. I know your tired of this ordeal and this week was supposed to be the end of chemo. But don't let it bring you down now, your almost out the tunnel. I know I told you about my recent health scare and the doctor kept having me come back for 3 weeks just to examine me, when I was convinced I was fine. So you got more patience then I do. Whatever you decide to do next think about it, pray about it and do whats best for you. I believe you will be fine from this point onward, which is what I was hoping for. Now a new chapter begins...

  4. To all those here and all those yet to come, a new chapter enters. You have the choice to overcome challenge which allows you to change. Strength to you, miss. Peace for you on this journey.

  5. I don't know what I will do... But I will try and keep an open mind. Thanks for your clarification Harlan...

    and to Anonymous (I don't know your name) you seem very wise, many people do, but right about now I wish these decisions were yours..oh that sounds wrong, I don't want you to be in my shoes of course, but I have a feeling you would make a very wise choice..... ~m