Thursday, January 5, 2012

"...if she breaks she won't even know it.."

  Post cry....well I probably am not done.  I just realized that I am pretty much terrified.  I remember the night I came back from the hospital and knew there was something, a mass over my heart, lung area.  All night I was up.  I use to do drugs back in the 60's (sounds good, just flip the 6..and yeah whatever) anyway all night it reminded me of a bad acid trip.  I didn't want something foreign inside of me, I knew something was wrong, it was terrible.  And I use to model, and I loved it, just freelance stuff, had some opps with agencies, a decent one in Portland some years ago.  So many things have come my way, but I'm not the mentally stablest tool in the shed when it comes down to it. I passed many of that type of thing up. Those who know, know (loola I am) I just scaled my modeling gigs down, and had a great time.  Minutes ago, it was like that acid feeling, where the hell is my hair.  I want my hair back, this makes me so sad right now, and I know it's dumb in ways.  I am tired of wearing doll hair, sometimes I'll be out and all of a sudden I will feel really obscure.... And it's been hard of late, because throughout all this, there has been a handful of modeling jobs offered, and even some movie casting call thing or two.  There's been a handful of those throughout the years, little independent films... As a very young person that was my dream to act, but when I modeled it was like a moment held forever in time.  And people have so many creative, amazing ideas.... and why am I going off about this... apparently I would like to shoot....ha!
   Anyway, the point really underneath all this, is that I am so scared about this scan in a week.  And it's the day after chemo, I feel like shit right about now.  I am so exhausted, and I've done nothing, I watched several episodes of some show and just tuned out.
  While I was lying in my bed, I thought of how what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger, yet we are all just going to die anyway.  So what? I'll be extra strong by the time I croak.  Give me a break.  It's all really crashing down on me.  I can't handle too much stress, I am not interested in going to the nutty this girl I know use to call it.  Also how much do I have to suffer? How much does one have too? Have I filled my quota in this life?.... This is likely too much info, but who cares.  I look at some people I know and there lives seem to have had little bumps, and I know that comparing is ridiculous.
  Anyway thank God, for the great people in my life.  And most of all I have to thank God for my mother, my amazing mom.  I called her, and she is truly a wonderful, amazing, enlightened being.  I love all my family, and my friends.  Many of my friends, well they are all great.  I don't think they know what this is like, how can anyone else unless they are going through it.  Plus, I think often I carry it all well.  But right now I am scared, but what do you do, call everyone you know and tell them how scared you are? It makes me smile, even as my eyes are still wet.   I will write instead.  This next week will truly be about mindfully living in the moment.  I did start to get pissed about how people can be, then a bit later, I realized just how many people are praying for me, and that means a lot to me.  Truly it does.  Even people at a point, maybe even still, in South America are or were praying for me.
  The true problem is that I have done 8 of these treatments and I don't want to do any more.  And I'm in the future instead of right here, right now.  And it could be great news next week.....I swear to you know who, that having headcase issues and dealing with this right now is not feeling like a good mixture. (though maybe this isn't related, duh I am fighting cancer, who wouldn't freak from time to time) I'm amazed I've coped up to this point, that nutty bin comment wasn't just said in jest.....
  I am looking at this card, on the front is a mannequin, it's from a small fashion show I did years ago. Did a few of those throughout history. Right now I wish I was that mannequin, frozen, she will never age you know? She won't go crazy, she won't have addiction problems, she won't get cancer, nor any other ailments, and best of all if she breaks she won't even know it.


  1. You're allowed to have freak outs, you will have breakdowns. You're fighting cancer. I can't fathom what the fight is like but I know some day will be harder than others. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to try again. That's all we've got. In the end, yes we all will die someday, it sucks but we will. All we can do, is try to do the things that make us happy or try to achieve things we want to do. Some days we fail, learn from mistakes and try again tomorrow. You're an amazing person. Keep fighting and I'm sending all the good juju I can.

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  3. Thank you for the comment, sentiment and the good juju :)

  4. Stay is another day with a new challenge. I wish u stength and the same for those in need.