Hello, I am Mica, a 32 year old female that has for quite some time been in pretty good health all in all, though in years past I did play hard. I can't leave that part of the story out. Could that be the crux of this story? I will never know and it's not likely, it's a bit of a mystery.
Anyway after talking to my mom on the phone I decided to go over to the hospital which is so not me unless the world is falling apart, but just the same I went one night, I didn't feel that I could breathe very well, long story short, they decided to do an x-ray, I felt silly even doing it as nothing seemed that seriously wrong. Then low and behold they found a large mass over my heart and sent me home. That night was the longest night of my life, or one of them, I am now in recovery for polysubstance abuse, and all I could think of was the only thing scarier was feeling like I was overdosing, (which is a more acute feeling, and one thank God I haven't felt often, anyway I digress) so I was up all night, then calling people very early. I had a cat scan to schedule so I called very early in the morning. It was that afternoon, after wards I was admitted into the hospital.
Fortunately, I was medicated for pain and a bad attitude, and had a few biopsies. Oh yeah I had about a pint of fluid around my heart they had to drain. The pint of fluid was also in my lungs, actually it may have been more than a pint all in all, had this stayed it would have led to a heart attack or drowning.
The crazy part of it all is I know my body so well. I mean I am dialed in, after biopsies and a pet scan it showed this cancer was spread all across my lungs, and a spot on my stomach. The good news is that it is Hodgkin's Lymphoma which is highly curable, yet the bad news was that if I didn't start chemo I would die within "about a month" my oncologist said. And I totally believe her on that one, especially after seeing the fluid from my heart in my drugged up state.
I am hitting the highlights, or the lowlights if you will....after leaving the hospital, I had been sober over two years, but I thought now is the time to get wasted. (It definitely was not the time to get wasted, ahh but I did it anyway) after getting that out of my system for the time being, my family was on their way to take care of me. I didn't want to be a drunken, trainwreck burden on my mother who has helped me immensely through the years.
Here is another piece of me, I have had mental health issues for years that have been off the hook, in fact I use to get pissy, all the attention people with cancer received because I believe money needs to be distributed more evenly for research, I still believe this and always will, cancer patient or not. Anyway, back to my mom, she has been a rock in being there for me, and I wanted to try and be coherent upon her arrival, even though my world was spinning out of control.
We learned after she arrived that I had a month to live, the mental health issues tie in because I'd be lying if I hadn't considered letting God, universe, The Great Spirit or whomever else just take me away. I was seriously considering dying. But a month.....that was too soon. That's all I could really think.....