~Beauty in Living in Love~

  Overall a long day.  First on Wednesdays I go in for a blood draw out of my teletubby port, and every other Wednesday have the chemo which was today.  I also speak with one of my oncologists each week. We go over the same sheet of paper that lists any changes I may be having in different parts of my body. Same sheet every week.  And we also go over my lab work, see what's going on with cells, I was all good, maybe looking a little anemic, but if a number slightly drops, it's not a biggie.  Ok, if I have said all this before, that's the last time on that, lol.....
  I also had prepared to talk to her about my theory on pain, and fortunately had the opportunity to talk thoroughly to a nurse about it.  Basically stating my dosage had to increase and a few pills added because my pain was lasting longer.  My oncologist came in with a prescription for patches and permission if I needed to, take a couple pills max.  The patch lasts a few days, and I asked her why she didn't just increase the dosage of the pills and I would take a limited amount.  She explained it was a low dosage, the patch and that we'd try it out. That it sustains at a level without fluctuating as much as with taking the pain med.  She also expressed her concern in a way that felt good all the way around and made sense, she genuinely doesn't want to create another issue for me while saving me from cancer.  Frankly, I'm not interested in getting an opiate addiction, so I would have to concur with her, and I just don't want break through pain, and I want to be able to sleep during the night of those days.  Though pills weren't "my thing" addictive drugs often become an issue for anyone, because they are addictive.  All that aside, I don't want to be feeling crappy like that 3+ days.....so it looks like we are moving towards a solution there.
   I have been researching toy dogs, which is funny because I use to think they were kind of ridiculous stuffed inside of purses.  I have done this before, think I really want one and then change my mind.  It is the last thing I need right now, yet seems appealing.  I could put it in my purse and take it to chemo and it could chill for close to three hours, but they all bark!  Barking drives me crazy....I would have to train it...maybe with a citronella dog collar, likely they aren't that small, the collars, and also highly likely the dog would take a duker in my purse.....
  Anyway after the blood draw, and the Dr. visit, I waited upstairs, they have to mix the bags of chemo while you wait, each time I learn something new, usually thinking I don't want to while turning my head away.  She has to plunge with a syringe thing some of the medicines, to make sure there is a blood return (everything is flowing right).      The port it goes into, is up by my shoulder, on my chest, which is great, so I don't have to see it.  I learned a lot of tidbits.
  I love it in there, there is an older woman with an English accent and she's great, she works there.  A great woman and I love talking to her...

Freewrite (they often make no sense)
A disabled woman yells, "I took them back," she herself has traded in movies and books for credit, bought the next book in the series, walks outside, the woman is convinced she returned the movie, the girl walks over to her and gives her a movie, the other woman looking at it, she is now more quiet, later the girl is talking about something, or thinking of something that will happen to relate to the next moment she will encounter, she steps on the elevator with a girl, with a a covered baby carrier, an older woman asks the girl to see, she now has to see as well, in her mind, her defenses jump up, she thinks to herself, nothing I can't live without,  but she knows she hasn't convinced herself, the timing of such things, she will hold herself together, later she thinks to herself, though many have problems, there are many contending to parenting, the hardships and joys of family life, she has to have faith that beauty in living in love will not only cross her path one day, but that it will decide to stay with her for awhile