Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Being in Recovery, Cancer and Reality....HA!

  This is a pertinent topic for many battling with cancer who have addiction issues.  Get this, two pain pills for two weeks!...uh yeah, that's not going to work out.  Sure I am a polysubstance abuser, but first and foremost a recovering alcoholic, and overall have been doing exceptional for years.  Polysubstance with some drugs, basically that just meant I rotated those in here and there recreationally....anyway, the point, the point here!
   A few weeks ago I would have been horrified at the idea of getting a biopsy.  Not anymore as they made me VERY comfortable.  In the days I was in the hospital I rolled from one experience to another, literally.  I was very clear that I was in recovery as that's just what you do if you have an addictive nature.  Though I made it clear pills aren't my bag, a non issue. (sure I rotated them here and there back in the day, but eh)
  I did not decline the Dilaudids and Atavan intravenously while there,(not sure if declining was an option,hmmm) I haven't any clear perspective my pain level at the time.  You know the sign in the hospital with the smiley faces, 1-10 I think it is....I can't remember.  I do remember two or three biopsies, the fluid drained off the heart, either the same event or another where I woke up and my throat was cashed because they had to intubate me, blood draws, IVs, cat scans, echocardiograms...blah, blah....there is a reason I'm going through this, lol.....
  All in all I remember bits and pieces, there was a lot of nodding off (and rambling about god knows what through biopsies, I think I was trying to get educated, maybe?  I had no recollection of a close friend visiting except trying to keep track of the coffee she brought as the nurses were hiding it, and I was acting like a brat, I do remember that, to the nurses and doctor's.  At one point I asked them if they all went to the same school of inconsistency.  (this relates to each doctor/etc having a different perspective, and me really just wanting a straight shooter, spare me the Disney version and just everyone get on the same page) oh and there's more, I probably should send a card or something, flowers to the staff.  I wondered at one point if I could get little bed electronic buzzer thing somehow was left on and I could hear the nurses at the desk asking "Is she for real?" ...saying things like that.....I spun out of my room, walked a short distance, and let the whole nurse's station in on that I in fact was for real and could hear all that they were saying....likely an awkward moment for them, not me...not even a little bit.  Now I must say this, clarify if you will, I appreciate them, nurses, and doctors, I really do.  I really dig nurses specialized in a specific field ..... Oh yeah, RECOVERY/ADDICTION/The point again.....
  So anyway after that stay I was trying to remember what my oncologist looked like.  The face that kept coming to mind was the hospital administrator off the show "Nurse Jacki."  Does my oncologist look anything like this woman???...Nope, not really at all.  The lady on the show is likely in her fifties and this woman has to be in her late thirties.  Likely they both just have brown hair.  The woman on the show is even black, so I was way off....and you know why??? Between the pain meds, anti-anxiety and I believe it's sodium pentothal(sp) with another doozy of a drug used for biopsies I was pretty faded for the experience....the WHOLE experience.

Fast forward, I'm in a meeting with this same oncologist, one of two I see.  I am explaining the type of pain I have and when.  There is a shot I receive in my stomach after chemo, the day after (yes, pretty bad ass  I am, I know hehe) anyway it creates flu like symptoms or can.  Anyway she went on a long diatribe about my being in recovery and how what she was saying wasn't personal to ME.  About how I could take two pain pills every two weeks and rely on Aleve and Tylenol the rest of the time.  To me this is a bit ridiculous, and she kept making these statements trying to state it wasn't personal. I wonder did I look like I was frothing at the mouth for her prescription pad.  After about the third, "It's not you," I looked at her and said if I want to relapse I can find drugs,  I was getting annoyed with her how we treat an addict bit.  And the catchphrase of the century, she didn't want to enable me, I respect that (meaning if I chose to relapse or be the one to create it I guess, whatever.  Did she not care while at the hospital I could get meds every so many hours? Had she forgotten that.....? And that they were intravenous...she didn't seem to concerned then.  Or perhaps it was the collective staff.  It's fine with me because I believe I got the medication I needed at the time.

I have taken my whopping couple of pills I'm allotted for the next two weeks and am very conscious about my choices....but what if I wake up tomorrow and feel for another day in a row that I got hit by a truck?   The shot kicked in later, and I'm feeling it, the pain and I'm a bit irked.... She told me she'd be counting my pills... I have NEVER had a doctor tell me that....And what's funny is in the hospital it was such a non issue, I'm glad I was honest, addict or not, I will not suffer needlessly.... Also an entertaining notion to me, does she intuitively know I will hurt for 24 or so hours? One more thing.....I don't even like her weak ineffective pills, I take them and still hurt~  it will pass, and it's not acute and horrible, but it's definitely there.....

Here I have cancer and I have to deal with this, it's almost laughable as I think back on the various doctors I've had to see for other is the time in my life I've got to have the hard ass...maybe it's a good thing, ugh..... here's a little video from the movie "Requiem for a Dream" speaking of addiction, I love Placebo.....this is active addiction.....I know the propoganda, she can spare me....

On a lighter note, I heard from my friend~ <3 <3 <3


  1. Lots of love M. Took me years to finally get my doc to prescribe pain pills to me. All I did was answer honestly that I HAD DONE drugs alot in my younger years. The funny thing is the drugs were mostly hallucinogens, not opiates so give me the damn pain pills!!!! They can be sooooo stuuuupid! Glad your friend called xoxoxo Ellen P.S. Had to post as anonymous couldn't figure out my wordpress name. I follow other people on wordpress,,,,

  2. Thanks for the Love! right back atcha....They certainly can frustrate me, but I'm hoping it will work out, obviously I'm aware of addiction issues, as it was I that told her about them, I can see it both ways, so we'll see...
    I'm just learning about the blogging and following and friends on here, it's new to me though I use to have a blog, I see your on here though, thanks!!!