Monday, October 17, 2011

Off with her hair!!!!

  Naturally I opted for chemo and radiation vs imminent death.  They inserted a port, aka a plug type thing that made me begin referring to myself as a teletubby.  This was placed under the skin on my chest near my shoulder.  This made dumping the chemo in much easier as they wouldn't have to address my veins each time.  So where am I at today?  I have had two rounds of chemo.  The first one via regular IV and the second one via the teletubby port.
  A few months of chemo, every other week and then 6 weeks of radiation.  And this stuff is boring to write about...first round I was very sick, and the latest mostly just tired.  So, a few days ago my mom and I sat and watched my fave movie "Beaches" while I received chemo.  It takes over a couple hours, and we just had to watch that as they had it there(had to I say!)  See I have a bit of a dark sense of humor, and I had been saying how I wanted to spend my remaining days like Hilary the character in "Beaches" dying at the coast in a beach chair, and beach hat, (but definitely not an 80's beach hat.)  Of course in my minds eye when the Oncologist told me I would die in around a month, I saw myself throwing the "Beaches" video over my shoulder and out of my realm of funny fantasty. Like forget that role, I'm not ready to die, somebody else can star in that scene.  
Saying video is funny, but I don't believe I have ever seen a "Beaches" dvd.   A teenage favorite, that's stayed with me ever since.  Perhaps this is a fave because of the bond that two friends share nearly all through their lives, something that deeply matters to me... friendship.
   And friendship will catch this story up to the present.  Details I will touch upon that are forgotten down the road.  Upon telling people this news, myself having cancer, most were supportive, most of my friends.  But there are those that dropped off the radar.  Mainly males that I believe just couldn't find the words and that either aren't that close or weren't as close as I thought they were.  I'm over that noise.  Mentioning the negative makes the positive that much brighter...The negative is good for something eh? As much as I'd like to mention every detail on that note, I won't for personal reasons.
  I could say something amazing about each and every one of my friends, visiting me at the hospital, offering their time, listening to me talk and talk, putting up with my bitchiness in the hospital(ok, outside of the hospital too, lol), on and on.  My friends not judging me for relapse (well that has happened enough times if my friends judged me for that I would be s.o.l.) on and on.......
  Anyway here is a little part of my journey.....the loss of my hair.  I went to a support group and the hair thing was driving me batty.  I was sick of thinking about it and it having control over me and my state of mind.  Oh I forgot to mention earlier sometimes I do things impulsively, like the day after I got out of the hostpital I got my first tattoo, a "m" on the back of my neck.  It needs some detailing, but should I continue to model it's easy to hide.  I still am sort of like what the F was I thinking, I had thought it would be cool before that, but I think it was an act of stamping myself mortal or some such thing.  Anyway, at the support group,  I realized I wanted to be in control. Not lose clumps of hair here there and everywhere and look like that "Tales from The Crypt Character."
  Later that evening my friend who said she'd shave her own head to support me did just that.  I told her definitely not to do this.  Well, actually I shaved her head.  Outside we were talking and she said it's just hair.  And it was a very beautiful gesture of her to make, she made the whole thing comfortable for me.  We did mine in stages, off with the pony-tail, then shorter, and then I said I'd rather look like a lip-stick lesbian than butch, so therefore she'd have to take it all off.  And I hope those words don't offend anyone, to me they are like the words yellow, and gray.  I love all people so if you know a better way to say butch, then enlighten me......
 at a certain point we stopped and listened to the song above.....and then took all my hair away.....
   Now if you know nothing about me, and this has just flipped up in a search, I have spent many years off and on freelance modeling, and am vain(I'm not saying vanity and modeling are related, though they likely are in ways, uh yeah).  I'd be lying if this event wasn't a scary one for me.  And I got through it with an amazing woman friend, and really the fear was worse than the event itself.  I believe they say that about lots in this life.  I'm not super keen on my blonde locks being gone, but fortunately I have some beautiful wigs....I didn't freak out and jump off a bridge, all in all I have surprised myself, I have been told all my life I am strong, as I have endured many things, but right now I believe it to be true.  


  1. I love you too girl...and thank you from the bottom of my heart!