~And then I realized I should be dead by now~ an eery feeling

  I can't quite wrap my mind around it, but right about now had I not gone into the hospital with my flu symptoms or whatever they were I'd likely be dead.  I find this really disturbing.  I figured out the timeline, and with the amount of treatments I have had that's just about right.  And the way my lungs were and heart surrounded by fluid, I have no doubt this is the case.  Not one of those you have six months to live and the person lives two years or whatever.  I was definitely on my way out.  I have said to people that it's like I slid into home base just barely without being taken out.
   Anyway I find it an eery feeling, almost unbelievable, scary, Halloweeny, lol.....All this struck me as I was watching doctor shows last night.  Now is not the time to watch that stuff, one show hit on so many things I could relate to in a way that it was a bit much.
  Where am I now?  Earth, alive, doing treatments, somewhat fatigued after chemo, etc, waiting for the aches to kick in.  I am ok.  NOW.  Why is it that sometimes being in the now can be so freaking hard.  Spiritual masters have written a ton on such a simple concept.  NOW, I will shake this weird feeling, of how I could be dead right now, it's like some weird other simultaneous existence going on ......that's hopefully not!  Ok it's going to be a great day!!!!