Saturday, November 19, 2011

Open to Divinity

  I have been busy of late.  These last so many days I have felt a lot more energized.  I am excited for my cat scan now.  I was nervous or stressed about it, almost as if it was a test I could personally fail.  Like oh shit, I didn't meditate hard enough.   Whatever way it goes is the way it's suppose to, but I so want it to go well!!!
  I have had great times with friends this last week.  Really full, happy moments with them.  I appreciate them so much, I have known some of them for SO LONG!!!!  Some of my girl friends I have spent some awesome quality time with.  And then this evening I had a great time hanging with mostly guy friends.  A lot of laughter, that is so important.  To me it is important, I highly value my acting silly time...
  I have also spent a lot of time with my family, and they are absolutely wonderful.  I couldn't have a better family, truly.  I have so much to be thankful for.  
  There has been a bit on my mind, about one potential outcome of this whole diagnosis.  But there's not much I can do.  It's the children dealio.   I had to take immediate action when it came to chemo, so that was that...Some women harvest their eggs, which costs an astronomical amount I'm sure.  Anyway, whatever will be, will be.  I truly feel at the whim of my life, which I guess I never was in control anyway, but I most definitely thought I was in ways, and still do in certain aspects.
  No matter who you are, it doesn't really matter, there are some things that no one is really immune to. And a bit of that I believe consists in life lessons.  That's just my personal view, that there are some things that each of us need to learn, and one way or another we are given the opportunity to rise to the task.
   And sometimes it's a total bitch, the great part is when you can turn around and embrace that bitch, step back and see that somehow all along she was a goddess guiding you, in the only way that would work for you, help you to see.  Showing you things through events that would likely be the best way to teach you personally......

 Taking control isn't always a bad thing. Obviously not...I haven't shared this on my blog, but it is one of those Bitch turned Goddess lessons.  I was so wanting to be empowered when it came to losing my hair, I didn't want to deal with tufts of hair falling out, being strewn about, so I went for it, and all my locks are gone!  Interestingly enough, the small amount of hair that remained, still remains, and I do believe has grown a tiny bit, at this point in chemo, it should be gone, and I do believe my eyebrows as well as eyelashes. Nope, but I still have more treatments to go so I am waiting for this to occur.  And I've had to laugh because if it doesn't fall out, then I did it for nothing...Though it would have been rare, and likely would have thinned (I had a ton of hair) I would still have it, or some.  It makes me smile now, because the lesson was so great for me, on a few levels.  Most importantly it was one of the first times I realized how truly strong I am.  I have been as I said before through so, so, so, much.... but this really was a big lesson for me.
  Ok now I want my hair back, lol.....and if it finally falls out, oh well....If I relax no matter what the circumstances I am divinely led, if I am open to divinity, despite what is put in front of me as my lesson, this isn't always easy...... long story short, I'm trying to go with the flow, and I hope to someday achieve this with an element of grace.

<3 <3 <3  Love you!


  1. Well, I'm hoping your results show tremendous progress, keep your chin up and keep your prayers lifted up.

  2. Me too and I most definitely will do :)!!!